Marriage troubles

[Man1]

My wife and I have been married for 42 years. Early in the marriage she went out on me. Recently I confronted her and she confessed. I know I haven't been perfect either and I love her, but I can't get this away from me. I have seen "some" good advice on this forum so I thought......

[Dr Phil]

Man1 wrote:

My wife and I have been married for 42 years. Early in the marriage she went out on me. Recently I confronted her and she confessed. I know I haven't been perfect either and I love her, but I can't get this away from me. I have seen "some" good advice on this forum so I thought......

42 years, I'd say you have a pretty strong marriage.

[All Even]

It was sex. Does that equal 42 years worth of happiness? Is it worth throwing away because 40 years ago your mife made a mistake? Take it from someone who has been there recently, it can happen to anyone and it's not a reason to stop loving someone or ruin a marriage. I forgave mine, you can forgive yours. If not, your priorities need adjusting.

[fact]

if you cheat then you don't love the person you are with like u say.....

[All Even Too]

I know this is a big problem, but if it is the only one you have and you love her and she loves you, try to work it out. It will be well worth it in the long run. If she knows you were not perfect, then sounds like she has forgiven you. If you have been together this long then something is working. Take it from someone who has been there. It was well worth it to forgive.

[Not All Even]

Take it from someone who has been there too. But I took the other road. She forgave me for mine, but I wouldn't hers. She did everything she could for me (hindsight she was already doing that) I really made it hard on her with the stuff I said and did. But my pride and manhood made her leave anyway. Big big mistake. This was our only problem. I was judge and jury (Sorry God!!) Now when I listen to my buddies talk about their wives, my wife was a gem compared to some of them. "You don't know what you got til it's gone" How true. I wish.

[ReginaV]

I understand it being hard to get past this , but in the same token why would it matter what happened 40 years ago, you pushed until you got the answer sometimes we are better off not knowing.

[Misled]

One should always try to forgive,and that by itself is hard as hell.But hard as one can try you won't ever forget.One should give her a chance to leave if in fact that is the way she won'ts to be, or stay if she really loves you and will be faithful.But one needs to make a promise
to her,let it happend again and it won't again.

[butch]

i would have to say that a lot of good things probably happened that should overcome the bad.you said you were not perfect either.im sure there were a lot of things that went under that bridge over 40 yrs or so.if i was you and ur wife i think id be on here braggin bout being married that long.all marriages have a problem or 2 and alot of em just say screw it and go their seperate ways but you toughed it out. in my generation we dont hear of too many long marriages.i,myself am on number 5 and i look back at em all and there was a lot of it that was my fault and i can only look back at what i did.ill try not to bring the bible in it and only say that we are supposed to forgive others as they forgive us also.an older man told me one time that theres 2 sides to everything.ill not run on and on ill just say congratulations man,many never even come near that close. thank you

[simply me]

after knowin for 42 years y did u just recently confront her about it...if u knew all along then u can still be with ur wife it doesnt change how u feel about her bc if it did u would have left her when it first happened. in my past experience of gettin cheated on...which happened for almost 6 years straight until i opened my eyes ..if its one time then its a mistake and if its more than that its not..so if it was just that one time forgive ur wife at least she did admit to it when u confronted her instead of lyin to you.

[All Even Three]

The bible says we are supposed to forgive. Best thing to do is let it go and y'all go on with your lives together. You have been together all this time, so some greater power is with y'all. Congrats on the years together. That really says a lot about the way y'all feel about each other. Keep dwelling on that instead of the mistake. Been there. It does get better and worth it.

[flower girl]

Let it go life is too short, to dwell on the past, look towards the future with this lady, it is hARD TO FIND SOMEONE TO BE WITH AFTER ALL THE YEARS you have been together, noone in this world is perfect, you just have to go 0n and live with it, its better than being by yourself, i am sure she has a hard time dealing with it also, there is always two sides to a record. God bless you.

[Hits Home]

Man1 wrote:

My wife and I have been married for 42 years. Early in the marriage she went out on me. Recently I confronted her and she confessed. I know I haven't been perfect either and I love her, but I can't get this away from me. I have seen "some" good advice on this forum so I thought......

Just found Topix and WOW does this hit home. Same thing happened to me and my wife. We both did it early on and it came out later just like you. I didn't understand hers and I thought it was worse than mine. Manly ego and pride I guess.(I "justified" mine, what a laugh!) It was in the 70's when young girls were fickle and didn't really know what they wanted and were easily led. I gave her a really rough time about it when it came out with what I said and did to her. I wouldn't have been surprised if she had said we weren't worth all the abuse I gave her about it and left. But she stuck through it all still loving me. And I am so glad that she did. We are still worth being together. So man, let it go and love her. You will be better off in the long run. She probably knows everything about you with your likes and dislikes and memories. I could go on and on. Just stay and forgive.

[guest]

Listen mister, if you and your wife have been together 42 years, somthing has kept you together this long. If you two didn't love, trust and believe in one another, you both would have moved on years ago. I have been married 17 years and would one day like to say I have been blessed with 42 years myself. Let me ask you this, despite the incident years ago, who has stuck by you and stood with you through good times and bad, who was on your side when the rest of the world wasn't, who believed in you when you didn't believe in yourself, who gave you the courage to walk out of that door to try it again when you thought you couldn't. Who is the mother of your kids, who took care of you when you were sick, who held the house together, who held you together? Yeah, what happened years ago is just what is, the past. Couples that have been together as long as you and your wife have are an example to so many younger couples out here. I hope the two of you can continue to work on your relationship and forgive the past. I hope you and your wife will be on topix in a few years talking about your wonderful 45 and 50th anniversary!

[osceola guy]

Maybe you should spend more time with her and less time on here take her somewhere!

[Been there]

Hey dude. She was wrong, but it sounds like you were too. 2 wrongs don't make a right, but after all the years, and they had to be good for you two to still be here, look to the future together. A good deal of everyone out there has been with someone else. Look to God for help. He can do miracles.

[Man1]

Just got back to topix, had to change internets. Thought my wife and I were the only ones. I want to respond to your comments. I really don't know what made me confront her. Our life was really great. This is our ONLY problem. I don't understand why she did it. I feel she wanted someone more than me and that's hard for me. I didn't want my marriage to be like this. Part of me wants her to leave and part of me wants her to stay. Sometimes I look at her and see my wife and sometimes I look and see what she did. She loves me because she is doing everything for me and I've really made it rough and she still wants to be with me.

[Advice]

Man1 wrote:

Just got back to topix, had to change internets. Thought my wife and I were the only ones. I want to respond to your comments. I really don't know what made me confront her. Our life was really great. This is our ONLY problem. I don't understand why she did it. I feel she wanted someone more than me and that's hard for me. I didn't want my marriage to be like this. Part of me wants her to leave and part of me wants her to stay. Sometimes I look at her and see my wife and sometimes I look and see what she did. She loves me because she is doing everything for me and I've really made it rough and she still wants to be with me.

Go to a few marriage counseling sessions.
Sounds like your marriage is worth saving.
As the song says, forgiving her was easy but forgetting takes a long, long time. Talk it out with a counselor or minister, then don't bring it up again with your wife. Everyone makes mistakes. Especially when we are young. None of us are perfect. Just learning as we go through life. Sometimes it takes a few rough roads to make us fully appreciate a good marriage. We can't go back and change the past and it does no good to dwell on mistakes that were made.

[Hits Home]

Man1 wrote:

Just got back to topix, had to change internets. Thought my wife and I were the only ones. I want to respond to your comments. I really don't know what made me confront her. Our life was really great. This is our ONLY problem. I don't understand why she did it. I feel she wanted someone more than me and that's hard for me. I didn't want my marriage to be like this. Part of me wants her to leave and part of me wants her to stay. Sometimes I look at her and see my wife and sometimes I look and see what she did. She loves me because she is doing everything for me and I've really made it rough and she still wants to be with me.

It sounds like deep down inside you still love her. The part that still wants her and still sees her is the part you have to dwell on. It's hard, but it can happen and God CAN help. The devil is helping you dwell on the bad. Nobody wants problems in their marriage, especially this one. But no one and no marriage is perfect. Leave this one and get another and there will still be problems. If this is your only problem with her, man work it out. I didn't think I could get through it either. I didn't understand either. Not sure she did. So many outside influences. Try not making it rough for a while and see. I did that a little at a time and the little times got longer and longer. Please believe me it is worth it.

[Words of Wisdom]

Man1 wrote:

Just got back to topix, had to change internets. Thought my wife and I were the only ones. I want to respond to your comments. I really don't know what made me confront her. Our life was really great. This is our ONLY problem. I don't understand why she did it. I feel she wanted someone more than me and that's hard for me. I didn't want my marriage to be like this. Part of me wants her to leave and part of me wants her to stay. Sometimes I look at her and see my wife and sometimes I look and see what she did. She loves me because she is doing everything for me and I've really made it rough and she still wants to be with me.

I am an outsider looking at this and here is my opinion. It sounds to me like you confronted her because you are feeling restless in the marriage yourself. You are just as guilty as she was, yet you seemed to move forward for all those years without this becoming an obstacle. You seem to be looking for a reason to move on yourself and wants some justification. It takes TWO people to be unfaithful. It also takes TWO people to make a marriage work. You seem to have lost the excitement in your marriage. My advice is to start dating and romancing her again. There is certainly a very strong foundation for your love otherwise she wouldn't still be with you. Take it from someone who became single later in life that the grass is not always greener on the other side. It is no picnic being alone in your 50's. I would suggest your rekindling the flame that you once had by talking about your feelings to her and tell her how much it hurt you. Then move on with your life!! Take her out on a romantic date or better yet, make the date at home with candles, bubble bath and nice romantic music. Don't give up on something that was probably just a fleeting moment of your lives compared to the rest of it. That's my advice to you..