1. You don't sound like Eddie Vedder when you sing. Not even close.
2. There's no race of little people that currently live on this planet. I meant it when I said I would punch one in the face if I found it in our house. Guess what? I never got the chance, because they don't exist.
3. The Cherokee Nation has not dispatched assassins to kill you. They don't give a crap about the non-profit religious organization (cult) that you call a Tribe.
4. Being proficient in the game "Rocksmith" does not mean you are a musician or can really play the guitar.
5. Your carpentry skills are mediocre.
6. Wearing a shirt that reads "My Indian Name is Chief Poundherhard" isn't funny, and if you were a true Native you would have never purchased it.
7. You don't descend from a race of beings that came to our planet from Nibiru. Your "people" didn't make Stonehenge.
8. I know how proud you are of yourself that you got every question right on your CDL test, but having to hear about it every day, two years after the fact, is completely unnecessary.
9. I had difficulty reconciling the fact that after the May 8th storm you complained bitterly about not having electricity, yet you constantly claim that you are meant to live on the land as a true Native.
10. Your oral skills are mediocre.
11. It isn't your "Native Spirit" that prevents you from being happy in the white man's world, it's your laziness and selfishness. All of the rest of us stay at jobs we don't like because we have bills to pay and we are true to our obligations. It's called being a grown-up.
12. The Spirits of your ancestors did NOT send me to you.(unless they have an odd sense of humor because I am a Christian) I'm certain that you say this to all the girls.
13. You don't have X-ray vision or the ability to see into people's flesh.
Sincerely, The Former Mrs. Abbott