My wife has a lover, is it unhealthy? Anyone else in a similar position?

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John14

London, UK

#1 Feb 13, 2013
Hi. 31 yr old firefighter here.
Been married 4 and half years to a woman I have been with for 11 years. She is 28.
I was her first lover and things have seemingly always been good between us in the bedroom.

She had a drunken one night stand with a lad she works with back in Jan 2011. Initially I was furious after she confessed. We nearly got divorced over it.

Anyway, eventually we discussed details. This led to us having great sex and it became a regular thing.
After a while I told her she could create some new details with this guy and she began seeing him regular. This was in October 2011. Fast forward 16 months and she still sees him regular, in fact their meetings have increased and she sees him twice a week at least outside of work, mainly when I'm on shift.
I have even watched too, 7 times so far. It's intense and very surreal.

I can't see it becoming anything more than a friend with benefits scenario between them given his age ( he has only just turned 21 ) and he has his own long term gf too. I do wonder whether it is healthy for us long term. It can be hard at times but it's crazy how normal it has become for us!

Anyone else in a similar situation?
Swing

Longview, TX

#2 Feb 13, 2013
It can make or break a relationship. Just depends on how committed you two are with each other.
fwb

United States

#3 Feb 13, 2013
sometimes can turn into more, just make sure your giving her plenty of attention and make sure you know when she sees him EVERYTIME.
John14

London, UK

#4 Feb 13, 2013
I know when she sees him 99% of the time but now and then they have unplanned meets. I say unplanned but I am aware they could possibly meet those days.
I work late on day shift so sometimes they finish their own days work and come back to our house. She will usually text me in these instances.

I guess I sometimes get bogged down with the whole 'is it normal' etc
So sad

United States

#5 Feb 13, 2013
John14 wrote:
I know when she sees him 99% of the time but now and then they have unplanned meets. I say unplanned but I am aware they could possibly meet those days.
I work late on day shift so sometimes they finish their own days work and come back to our house. She will usually text me in these instances.
I guess I sometimes get bogged down with the whole 'is it normal' etc
There is no way i would be sharing my man with no woman John how can you put up with that. Don't you think its time for a divorce hun you can do better. I think its time to throw the fishing pole out in the water and find a good one. Trust me it took me 20 years to find the right one. And i am 20 and i found me a good man this time he is so sweet and nice and if anything happens to us then i am staying single for ever. But i don't think anything is going to happen to us. But you never know
BOZO BUSTERS

Blytheville, AR

#6 Feb 13, 2013
Really, really......dude you just threw all self respect for yourself out the window.....Hey why not just get a sign that says walk all over me cause I can't do better. sleep with this guy because you give me great sex...... what if you walked to him and asked him how he like your wife's used *ahem* wouldn't it serve you right if he said....Hey once you get passed the used it's pretty good....what I am saying is HELL NO IT AIN'T NORMAL.
So sad

United States

#7 Feb 13, 2013
BOZO BUSTERS wrote:
Really, really......dude you just threw all self respect for yourself out the window.....Hey why not just get a sign that says walk all over me cause I can't do better. sleep with this guy because you give me great sex...... what if you walked to him and asked him how he like your wife's used *ahem* wouldn't it serve you right if he said....Hey once you get passed the used it's pretty good....what I am saying is HELL NO IT AIN'T NORMAL.
So true its not fair for you if your wife does that to you i mean come one that's not a good wife if she is doing you like that. But she is thinking its only fair for her. But its not fair for you and is not right
BOZO BUSTERS

Blytheville, AR

#8 Feb 14, 2013
Fact bags would be packed and bus ticket bouoght. Love and relationships are commitments. It takes two thhree just in the way. Fair, no not fair to anyone so be done with it.
BOZO BUSTERS

Blytheville, AR

#9 Feb 14, 2013
So sad I am agreeing with you by the way, I didn't mean to be rude. I think I miss read your post the first time around.
wow

Blytheville, AR

#10 Feb 15, 2013
fwb wrote:
sometimes can turn into more, just make sure your giving her plenty of attention and make sure you know when she sees him EVERYTIME.
Get real, looks to me she's getting all the attention and to much..and I wouldn't let it went on in the first place, so tell me whose tha sucker.
John14

London, UK

#11 Feb 15, 2013
wow wrote:
<quoted text>Get real, looks to me she's getting all the attention and to much..and I wouldn't let it went on in the first place, so tell me whose tha sucker.
Guess its me?
Guest

Oklahoma City, OK

#12 Feb 15, 2013
If two people really love each other a marriage can survive anything . That being said , something like that can't go on for long period of time without doing some serious damage to your relationship . Be careful there's STD out their that will kill you !!! You know that boy shes sleeping with isn't only sleeping with her so don't let her burn you !!!!!
John14

London, UK

#13 Feb 15, 2013
Guest wrote:
If two people really love each other a marriage can survive anything . That being said , something like that can't go on for long period of time without doing some serious damage to your relationship . Be careful there's STD out their that will kill you !!! You know that boy shes sleeping with isn't only sleeping with her so don't let her burn you !!!!!
Well he has his own long term gf but I guess there is a chance he has other flings, one nighters etc with other girls. He claims he is only having sex with my wife and his own gf
Guest

Manila, AR

#14 Feb 15, 2013
John14 wrote:
<quoted text>
Well he has his own long term gf but I guess there is a chance he has other flings, one nighters etc with other girls. He claims he is only having sex with my wife and his own gf
You just never know who his gf is sleeping with or him for that matter . Never trust other ppl with your life !!! What if you get herpies you'll have that shit for life . Your worth more than that even if you don't realize it right now .
mike

Pacific, MO

#15 Feb 15, 2013
John14 wrote:
<quoted text>
Well he has his own long term gf but I guess there is a chance he has other flings, one nighters etc with other girls. He claims he is only having sex with my wife and his own gf
more than likley if he nice to good looking and well equiped down there and has his technic down he has other lovers beside your wife. the real trouble is one of them will want more out of the relationship than the other like the other person said who knows what kind of STDs he is carring around that a-jax can't get off hell you may get it i for one would end it now what starts out as a little fun will turn into a lot of drama.
really

Trumann, AR

#16 Feb 15, 2013
John14 wrote:
<quoted text>
Well he has his own long term gf but I guess there is a chance he has other flings, one nighters etc with other girls. He claims he is only having sex with my wife and his own gf
Does his gf know he's having sex with your wife..and what kind of pee wee would go for that..but sounds like she's got it made so maybe she should hang on to you, does he shake your hand and think you for putting a smile on his face while they laugh behind your back.
John14

London, UK

#17 Feb 15, 2013
really wrote:
<quoted text>Does his gf know he's having sex with your wife..and what kind of pee wee would go for that..but sounds like she's got it made so maybe she should hang on to you, does he shake your hand and think you for putting a smile on his face while they laugh behind your back.
His gf doesn't know.
My wife does question if it's the right thing to do quite often. It's just become so normal for us, kind of like a habit that's hard to kick.
We both know that long term it isn't going to work.

As for the guy? He is quite an arrogant guy, very sure of himself but he and I don't really talk to be honest. I guess the arrogance is down to age and the situation. I know some young guys see an older woman as the ultimate fantasy. Some like married women too.

They liken their relationship to that of gym buddies or work out friends.
Guest

Trumann, AR

#18 Feb 16, 2013
I'm not trying to be harsh but I will be honest with you . Women DO NOT have sex for the same reasons a man will . Men can have sex for just the moment of pleasure " no feelings at all for their partner " . Women for the most part always have feelings for the person they are having sex with, even if it's just a I think this guy is hot wonder if I have sex with him will he want to date me , marry me , have kids with me lol you get the point . If this affair has been going on for some time she has real feelings for this boy . So I would end it if you really love your wife and don't want this shit to end badly make her stop seeing the dude . BTW I'm a female so you are getting this advice from a women who has been through just about anything and everything that could go wrong in a marriage . Good luck . One other thing life is short we are not promised tomorrow live your life with that in mind .
Damn man

United States

#19 Feb 16, 2013
Man i would have flipped out..i could care less the age bro..i would catch him put him on blast in front of his gf beat his ass,get a divorce an move on!!! Its only gonna hurt for a lil while bro find u a good women...goodluck!!!
Guest

Oklahoma City, OK

#20 Feb 16, 2013
Swing wrote:
It can make or break a relationship. Just depends on how committed you two are with each other.
You might try getting her interested in manti Tao.

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