Jokestor Again

[Jokestor]

Just a funny for the day!

During a recent password audit, Phil found that a blonde was using the
following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDewe yDonaldGoofy

When he asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at
least 8 characters long.

PS: If you're blonde and don't get it, just move on and don't give it
another thought...

[Jokestor]

Our troops in Afghanistan prove yet again they have retained their sense of humor. One of them sent this:

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

[Just Trying to be Funny]

JUDGING THE CHILI CONTEST SATURDAY!
"I was honored to be selected as a judge at today’s chili cooking contest. The original judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser stand, when the call came in. Mayor Santie drafted me, instantly. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent:
(I was Judge #3)
**********
Chili # 1 1st National Bank’s - Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 --! A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 --(Me) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
**********
Chili # 2 VFW’s Veteran Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
**********
Chili # 3 Great River’s Famous Chinese Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...
**********
Chili # 4 Dave's CDG Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
**********

[Just Trying to be Funny]

JUDGING THE CHILI CONTEST SATURDAY - Con't.

Chili # 5 Wal-Mart Associates Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne ! peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
**********
Chili # 6 The Malden Speedway Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
**********
Chili # 7 The Malden Board of Public Works Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
**********
Chili # 8 Las Brisas’s Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a well, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?"
Judge # 3 – mmmmeeeddddiiicccc!
**********

[mystic]

You don't have to try anymore your take on the judging was really funny!!!

[KING SOL]

To Trying To Be Funny:

You have made it!! I LMAO at your comments. Can't wait for your next story.

[Jokestor]

Circle Flies

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack
Obama is trying to gather more support for his Health Plan.
Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush's home
area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern
drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that
were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin'
some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what
they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well Sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around
ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost
always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a
moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me
a horse's ass?"

"No, Sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for
the citizens of this country to call their President a
horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on
once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says
, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

[Jokestor]

The name's just Fred..... A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so
he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The
officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.'Tell
me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'


The biker replies,'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all
the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got
older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was
Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I
decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through
school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored
doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she
gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA
found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling,
MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my MD because
of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'


The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[Just Trying to be Funny]

Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, you can be sure, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.

[Just Trying to be Funny]

BETTER THAN A FLU SHOT!

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea....

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied,'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

[Just Trying to be Funny]

One day two old ladies met up for an afternoon lunch, one of the ladies said to the other,

"Did you come on the bus"

The other lady replied,

"Yeah but I made it look like an asthma attack"

[Just Trying to be Funny]

THE SMART MONKEY

A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder, orders a drink and sits down. The monkey springs off his shoulder runs down the bar to the olive bowl, swallows one whole, then springs to the pool table and swallows the cue ball whole. The bartender cries out to the man, " Oh My God, did you see what your monkey just did?"

"What, What?" says the man.

The bartender says, " Your monkey just swallowed the cue ball whole"

"Well, I'm not surprised, he eats everything in sight... I'll pay for it and we'll leave"

Two week later the man and his monkey return, the man orders his drink and the monkey jumps off, runs to the cherry bowl, grabs one shoves it up his butt then pulls it out and swallows it whole. Once again the bartender cries out, "Oh my God, Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"What, What did he do this time?"

The bartender replies, "He just shoved a cherry up his butt, then swallowed it whole... that was disgusting!!"

The man say's "Well, I'm not surprised, he still eats everything in sight, but every since that cue ball he checks everything first"

[KING SOL]

Three cowboys were siting around the campfire one night and one began bragging about how mean and tough he was. He said: Today a 2000 pound Brahma bull gored 8 men before I caught and threw him by myself. The second cowboy said: Thats nothing. This morning a 15 foot rattlesnake ataacked me and I caught it with my bare hands and bit of it's head and sucked all the poison out and swallowed it with no ill effect. The third cowboy said nothing and just kept stiring the coals with his penis.

[Just Trying to be Funny]

The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name sailor?"

"John," the new seaman replied.

"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp nowadays, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only;... Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief'. Do I make myself clear?"... Read More

"Aye, Aye Chief!"

"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"

The seaman sighed. "Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief."

"Okay, John, here's what I want you to do ....."

[Just Trying to be Funny]

This young fellow came and sit by me at the bar last night. He had purple and orange hair cut into a sort of faux mohawk. Tons of piercings, I was scared to think what might be pierced that I couldn't see. A tattoo of a skull on one arm.

I guess he got tired of me looking him over and said, "Hey, you were young once, didn't you ever do something silly?"

I said "Sure, and you are fine by me. It's just that I got drunk once and screwed a peacock, and I couldn't help but sit here and think you may be my son!"

[Jokestor]

A Very Short Love Story








A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.........Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!......... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied..........Get your own damn blanket.'

After a moment of silence,.........he farted.

The End

[Just Trying to be Funny]

THE MISSOURIAN, THE TEXAN AND THE OKLAHOMAN

A Missourian, a Texan, and Oklahoman are out riding horses. The Missourian pulls out a bottle of Jack Daniels, takes a long draught, then another and suddenly throws it into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in midair.

The Texan looks at him and says,“What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!”

The Missourian says,“In Missouri, there is plenty of Jack Daniels and the bottles are cheap.”

A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Texan pulls out a bottle of Pepsi, takes a few sips, throws the Pepsi into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it in midair.

The Oklahoman can’t believe his eyes,“What the heck did you do that for? That was a perfectly good bottle of pop!”

The Texan says,“In Texas, we have plenty of Pepsi and bottles are cheap.”

So, awhile later, the Oklahoman pulls out a Budweiser longneck. He opens it, chugs the whole bottle. He then puts the bottle in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, and shoots the Texan.

The Missourian, shocked, says,“Why the hell did you do that?!”

The Oklahoman replies,“In Oklahoma, we have plenty of Texans and bottles are worth a nickel.”

[Just Trying to be Funny]

I know that last one is an oldie, but we were getting pretty far down the list, so I added it as a bump back to the top.

[Just Trying to be Funny]

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.

After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play, he's practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter but the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

[Just Trying to be Funny]

A bear, a lion and a pig meet.

The Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

The Lion says: "If I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."

The Pig says: "Big deal.... I only have to sneeze, and the entire planet shits itself."