Jokestor Again

[Jokestor]

The Cremated Husband



Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his
ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.



Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
"Herman, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the
insurance money!"


She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Herman, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it
with the insurance money!"


Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the
ashes she said,
"Herman, that emerald necklace you promised me? Bought it too, with the
insurance money!


Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said,
"Herman, remember that blow j__ I promised you? Here it comes.

[Jokestor]

A man walks up to a woman in his office every day, stands very
> close to her, inhales a big breath of air through his nose and
> tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she
> can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor
> in Human Resources. Without identifying the guy, she explains
> what her co-worker does and states that she wants to file a
> sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources
> supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's
> sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
> smells nice?"
>
> The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

[Jokestor]

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on
>her nightstand by the bed.
>He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
>No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
>"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
>"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
>"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
>"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
>"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
>"That's me before the surgery.

[babygirl76]

Those r all good:)

[Jokestor]

Flat Belly

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad
bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about
what her son has seen, she dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks,'What were you and Dad doing?'
The mother replies,'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and I sometimes
have to get on top of it and help flatten it.'

'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.

'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.

'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over
and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.'

[Just Trying yo be Funny]

An elderly couple are on their vacation of a life time in the holy lands near Jerusalem. During the trip the wife passes away unexpectantly. A Jewish undertaker removes the body and explains the options available to the husband.

He says, "We can give your wife a lovely funeral here in the Holy Lands, complete for $350 U.S. dollars. Or I can prepare the body to clear customs and have her shipped back to your home in the US for $4,000. Any funeral arrangements you have there will be additional.

The man ponders the two options and says, "Fix her up to go back home."

The undertakes says, "You can save a lot of money by burying her here, and she would be in the Holy Lands she loved so much."

The husband replied, "Yeah, I understand, but a couple of thousand years ago, you people buried a guy and three days later he came back alive, I ain't taking any chances on that happening again with her!"

[Jokestor]

LOL just too dang funny thanks for the laughs..

[Jokestor]

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter--ten men and
> >one
> > >woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they
> >decided
> > >that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
> >They
> > >weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very
> touching
> > >speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,
> >because,
> > >as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and
> >kids,
> > >or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with
> >little
> > >in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started
> > >clapping their hands....

[babygirl76]

LMAO! The last one u posted is my favorite! Keep em coming! Thanks for the laughs!

[Jokestor]

Marriage Counseling
>
> After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a
> young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was
> to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time
> and felt that this was their last straw.
>
> When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped
> right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the
> problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without
> anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour,
> describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
>
> After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor
> went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed
> her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the
> wife sat speechless.
>
> The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who
> stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife
> NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
>
> The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on
> Tuesdays and Thursdays."

[Jokestor]

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
>
>
>
> After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
>
>
>
> A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
>
>
>
> Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him
>
>
>
> and him
>
>
>
> and him."

[Jokestor]

Missouri Cop Joke
>
>Two men were driving through Missouri when they got
>pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up
>and tapped on the window with his nightstick.
>
>The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop
>smacked him in the head with his nightstick.
>
> "What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.
>
> "You're in Missouri, son," the trooper answered.
>
> "When we pull you over in Missouri, you better have
> your license ready by the time we get to your car."
>
>"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."
>
>The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's
>clean and gives the guy his license back. The trooper
>then walks around to the passenger side and taps on
>the window.
>
>The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him on
>the head with the nightstick.
>
> "What"d you do that for?" the passenger demands.
>
> "Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.
>
> "Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.
>
>"Because I know your type," the trooper says, "two miles down the road
>you
>re gonna turn to your buddy and say,'I wish that asshole would've tried
>that shit with me!' "

[Just Trying to be Funny]

Jokestor wrote:

Flat Belly
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad
bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about
what her son has seen, she dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks,'What were you and Dad doing?'
The mother replies,'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and I sometimes
have to get on top of it and help flatten it.'
'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.
'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.
'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over
and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.'

I don't get it. Oh, I understand the joke, but I don't get it!!!!

[Sunshine]

Lovin' it. Thanks for the laugh.

[micheal dabbs]

neither do i my wife cut me off

[Jokestor]

Will You Live to see 85?





Here's something to think about...

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.(I just turned 60.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him:'Do you think I'll live to be 85 ?'

He asked,'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied.'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked,'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

I said,'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy.'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked,'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,...'Then, why do you even care about living that long with

nothing worth while to do?'

[Jokestor]

1.Pass My Shotgun

2.Psychotic Mood Shift

3.Perpetual Munching Spree

4.Puffy Mid-Section

5.People Make me Sick

6.ProvideMe withSweets

7.Pardon My Sobbing

8Pimples May Surface

9.Pass My Sweatpants

10.Pissy Mood Syndrome

11.Plainly; Men Suck

12.Pack My Stuff



...and my favorite one..

13.Potential Murder Suspect

[Jokestor]

Above what PMS really stands for ..LOL

[Jokestor]

Darn Medication

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe Some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

[Just Trying to be Funny]

Jokestor wrote:

Darn Medication
A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe Some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

These are all hilarious. Thanks and keep them coming.

If you hear them repeated somewhere, I am the one who stole them, so consider yourself warned!