Who do you support for U.S. House in ...

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#324 Dec 11, 2013
A woman is paying for some purchases at Macy’s. As she reaches for her card, a TV remote control falls out of her purse.

The sales clerk asks,“Do you always carry your TV remote around with you?”

“No,” the woman says,“But my husband refused to come shopping with me today, and it's good enough for him!"

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#325 Dec 12, 2013
*****NOTICE*****

Big Stevie is feeling philosophical, today, so I'm going to post a short list of Simple Truths. He hopes that you, his faithful readers, will enjoy them, and profit from them. Here we go:

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:

Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congrats," but none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job!"

Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.

FIVE OTHER SIMPLE TRUTHS:

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass hole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems but then neither does milk.

Bonus Truth:

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot, by the woman's husband.

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#326 Dec 13, 2013
Good grief! Is Big Stevie the only one posting here, now? Oh, well, he will keep 'er alive, here, just in case anyone comes back. After all, this thread has created a life of its own, and it would be a shame to abandon it now, so let's get back on here, and "Git 'Er Done!!!" Let's go for the Guinness Book of World Records' category for "Longest Continuing Conversational Thread!"

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#327 Dec 13, 2013
An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!"

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#328 Dec 14, 2013
A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What's it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decided to come over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread out on the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we are not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He then took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax, let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he sighed, "Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#329 Dec 15, 2013
Answering the phone, the priest was surprised to hear the caller introduce herself as an IRS auditor.

“But we do not pay taxes,” the priest said.

“It isn’t you, Father, it’s one of your parishioners, Sean McCullough. He indicates on his tax return that he gave a donation of $15,000 to the church last year. Is this, in fact, the truth?”

The priest smiled broadly.“The check hasn’t arrived yet, but I’m sure I’ll have it when I remind dear Sean.”
samson

Morehead, KY

#330 Dec 15, 2013
whitfield will get my vote!!!!

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#331 Dec 16, 2013
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."

He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track?'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on."

She shrugs and walks back into the kitchen.

Three days later, he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with the frying pan again.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She answers, "Your horse just called, asshole!"

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#332 Dec 17, 2013
AT THE WELFARE OFFICE:

A WOMAN WALKS INTO THE DOWNTOWN WELFARE OFFICE, TRAILED BY 15 KIDS.

"WOW," THE SOCIAL WORKER EXCLAIMS, "ARE THEY ALL YOURS?"

"YEP, THEY ARE ALL MINE," THE FLUSTERED MOMMA SIGHS, HAVING HEARD THAT QUESTION A THOUSAND TIMES BEFORE. SHE SAYS, "SIT DOWN TERRY." ALL THE CHILDREN RUSH TO FIND SEATS.

"WELL," SAYS THE SOCIAL WORKER, "THEN YOU MUST BE HERE TO SIGN UP. I'LL NEED ALL YOUR CHILDREN'S NAMES."

"WELL, TO KEEP IT SIMPLE, THE BOYS ARE ALL NAMED TERRY, AND THE GIRLS ARE ALL NAMED TERRI."

IN DISBELIEF, THE CASE WORKER SAYS, "ARE YOU SERIOUS? THEY'RE ALL NAMED TERRY?"

THEIR MOMMA REPLIED, "WELL, YES, IT MAKES IT EASIER. WHEN IT'S TIME TO GET THEM OUT OF BED AND READY FOR SCHOOL, I YELL,'TERRY!', AND WHEN IT'S TIME FOR DINNER, I JUST YELL 'TERRY!' AND THEY ALL COME A-RUNNING, AND IF I NEED
TO STOP THE KID WHO'S RUNNING INTO THE STREET, I JUST YELL 'TERRY' AND ALL OF THEM STOP. IT'S THE SMARTEST IDEA I EVER HAD, NAMING THEM ALL TERRY."

THE SOCIAL WORKER THINKS THIS OVER FOR A BIT, THEN SHE WRINKLES HER FOREHEAD AND SAYS TENTATIVELY, "BUT WHAT IF YOU JUST WANT ONE KID TO COME, AND NOT THE WHOLE BUNCH?"

"THEN I CALL THEM BY THEIR LAST NAMES."
wow...just amazing!

Salem, KY

#333 Dec 17, 2013
checking for sense wrote:
no votes for reps always for millionaires
Bbd f

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#334 Dec 18, 2013
A school teacher injured his back, and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt, and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up the desk stapler, from his desk, and stapled the tie to his chest.

The room got deathly quiet, and he had no trouble at all with discipline, that term.

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#335 Dec 19, 2013
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall, on Christmas Eve, and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall, she was surprised to look up and see that her husband was nowhere to be found. She was quite upset, because they had a lot to do, and she was getting worried, so she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, darling, I remember it well!"

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#337 Dec 21, 2013
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window, and the driver rolls down the window and asks,“What’s going on?”

“Terrorists have kidnapped some members of Congress, and they’re asking for a $100 million ransom, otherwise they are going to douse them in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking donations.”

“How much is everyone giving, on an average?” the driver asks.

The man replies,“Roughly about a gallon.”

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#338 Dec 22, 2013
Three illegal immigrants to the U. S. were just mastering the language. One was telling the others about the difficulty they were having in attempting to start a family. He said, "I think my wife must be impregnable."

The second said, "That's not the right word! She is inconceivable!"

To which the third replied, "You are both wrong! She is unbearable!"
dillergig

Pittsburgh, PA

#339 Dec 23, 2013
youtube.com/watch... ……poop getting deep on this thread

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#341 Dec 24, 2013
****BIG STEVIE DISCLAIMER!!!****

READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!

Okay, here we go:

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "But we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.

"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion!" Igor and his master worked feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!!!!!!!!!!"

****Heh, heh, heh! Sorry, but MERRY CHRISTMAS, FROM THE BIG STEVIE FAMILY, HERE AT THE OLD HOME TWENTY!!!
ivy siddens

Los Angeles, CA

#342 Dec 25, 2013
Why is this shit still on here .my friends are laughing at you guys and me from being from there, topix west hollyood dont have shit from 4 years ago. Come on my fellow scottsvilleans. REPRESENT. LOL

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#343 Dec 26, 2013
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin, and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:

"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he agonized over the dilemma, but finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

"RETURNED UNOPENED"
ivy siddens

Los Angeles, CA

#344 Dec 26, 2013
BIG_STEVIE wrote:
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin, and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma, but finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:
"RETURNED UNOPENED"
you are a talented writer if you ever write a script you could easily become the riiichest man in scottsville. Happy hoidays and a successful new year

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#345 Dec 27, 2013
ivy siddens wrote:
<quoted text> you are a talented writer if you ever write a script you could easily become the riiichest man in scottsville. Happy hoidays and a successful new year
Thank you for those kind words, Ivy, but I must confess that these jokes are merely "Cut and Paste." I do write, some, but only for my own pleasure, i.e., my Journal, etc. I hope you have a great day, and a Happy New Year, too! God bless!

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