Why Should I Have To Choose?
Posted in the London Forum
#1 Jan 14, 2013
I know that I will probably get beaten to death on this thread but I need some unbiased input of people outside my family and friends circle.
I will make this as short as possible while still giving pertinent details of my problem. Here goes:
Recently my grandchildren were taken by the state. I have the opportunity to take custody of them but only if I have a big enough home [number of bedrooms] to support having a larger family. I meet all other standards social services asks for.
I am in a very long term relationship with the man I dearly love and I know he feels that same love not only for me but also for my grandchildren. They love him as well.
I told him that I want to take my grandchildren and will do all in my power to get custody of them. He agreed with me that I would be a horrible grandparent if I didn't do so.
Here is the problem. We live in a one bedroom place. He knows that social services will not let me have them living here.
Together, we have a very good income, especially in comparison to the average couple in the Tri-Co area.
Both of us are relatively young but are retired and in fairly good health etc. and I am more than willing to use some of the money we usually just waste to get a bigger place.
BUT-He is not willing to move.
His elderly parents live nearby and he says that he promised [who?] that he would stay here to look after them.
HOWEVER! He does not visit them and does not even pick up the phone to call and check on them.
Therefore, I do not see why it makes a lot of difference if he lives next door to them or a thousand miles away.
I have mentioned the upcoming court date to him several times and all he says is that he doesn't know what we can do to fix things.
He knows that what will fix things till their mother is able to care for them is for us to get a bigger place and take them on.
I do not feel like I should have to choose between him and the children but I also feel like that is my current situation.
Can any of you give me some input as to how to make him see that his promise means nothing if he doesn't actually 'look out for' his parents and that moving nearby would be okay in that case?
#2 Jan 14, 2013
The truth is he all talk, he doesn't want to have children around full time. You got a choice either a man , who may or may not be there in the future or your grandchildren. Those children need you and men come and go.
In the end the grandchildren will be there and the man I say won't be there.
#3 Jan 14, 2013
It appears the man has made his decision and you only are left to accept that and to make your own decision.
I think you need to decide how important your grandchildren are to you.
“Walk With Me In Hell”
Since: Nov 11
#4 Jan 14, 2013
I would almost have to agree with Ky75, but i think the best thing would be to pin him down.
Negotiation is a persons best option when there is a disagreement. In your case, there has to be an option that will satisfy both you, and him. Sometimes, you just have to take the bull by the horns and find it.
#5 Jan 14, 2013
also from the story, it seems like he is making it appear like he is trying, so he can still have the roost in your home, and a good housekeeper for himself in you.
he is a user.
if he really wanted you to have the children, he would start moving the mountains in his way.
#6 Jan 15, 2013
Actually we live in his home. I gave up my property to live with him and we have been together almost a decade. And he knows I will do all the cooking but I won't clean after a grown man who is perfectly capable of cleaning up after himself.
As for him not being there, he has been there for me and some of my other family members thru thick and thin all these years and has never really complained about it.
He is very good hearted and generous to not only me but also my grandchildren and my daughter. He has always helped out with his money as well as his time when anyone needed him so I am stumped as to why he is being so reticent with this situation.
He already has been told that I do not expect him to do the work involved with the children and that I will handle that end of things myself.
While I do understand that having children in the house would totally change our lifestyle, I do not understand why he would not 'move mountains' to help in this dire situation.
As I mentioned above, its not as if he actually looks after his parents so he is not breaking his word by moving.
And as far as caring for the children, he knows I will do all that myself. As far as lifestyle changes, we take a yearly vacation but even that doesn't have to change because I have a very trusted family member who will look after the children while we travel.
The only changes that would have to be made is that he would no longer be able to sit around the house in his underwear, we have have to limit smoking to outside or one room the kids are not allowed in, and we would have to lock our guns in a gun cabinet. That doesn't seem like a lot to ask, as far as I am concerned.
I suppose my only recourse in this is to sit him down and ask him why it is such an issue for him. I have to have a straight answer from him before going to court and while I agree he is very reticent, I am not so sure he would not agree to this if we have an openhearted conversation.
Thank you all for your replies. Any more input is welcome.
#7 Jan 15, 2013
He is scared to death of it,blame him or not,but we all tend to want to be around for our parents,just in case they do get to the point of needing us.Right now it would appear they don't.Why aren't you and he married?Also you can bust your butt and ruin whatever years you have left tending to your grandkids,but in our world today there is no proof that they will love you and always be there,it's just not true.Never raise a child hoping for love or a reward,9 times outta 10 you won't get it.I feel your pain because i am in the same place you are,but i am not well and i decided on my own i couldn't handle it.But i am probably older than you and i really can't hardly tend to myself,much less add kids to it.Good luck to you whatever you do though,your heart is in the right place.
#8 Jan 15, 2013
He, on reading this over,has already made up his mind.That is why he won't move.It is now up to you,get a house and raise them alone,or not,but the ball is in your court.On the other hand be honest,if they were his grandchildren,not yours,and he did agree to take care of them solo,how would you feel? Both of your lives will change,not just yours.Are you ready to start all over again,being a mommy,will you resent your daughter and hold it against the kids,after all it is her fault not yours or your boyfriend.What kind of mother is she is the question.
#9 Jan 16, 2013
First off, Lynn, let me say this--Do not assume anything about my daughter or me. My daughter has severe health issues and was not able to take proper care of the children or their home and this is why they were taken.
I did not know what was happening because: 1. she lives several hundred miles away, 2. she was a great mother up to the point of being too ill to care for them, and 3. the children did not mention anything to me on phone calls or visits, nor did she. No mother wants to say 'I cannot take care of my children' no matter the reason.
Next off, no! I would not resent her or the children. A person cannot always help having health issues that prevent them from doing what needs to be done and according to your post you of all people should know this. Would you resent your daughter or grandchildren? Would you take things out on your grandchildren?
Thirdly, he has no blood grandchildren but if he did have, I would not be bothered at all if he had to take them and raise them. I would help in the care of them! I love children and have helped raise several of them that I did not give birth to. So, would I mind starting over as a 'mommy'?? Not in the least.
Fourth, as a grandparent most of us do not agree to raise our grandkids on the terms we are looking for them to always be there and love us. And, we are not looking for some sort of glory, or as you put it 'reward', by being able to say we took them in and took care of them and loved them!
I don't know about you but I agree to it because I am their grandmother, I love THEM and it's the right thing to do. They are helpless children who need their family, not some strangers to take care of them and love them.
Fifth, I would not consider taking in my grandchildren in their time of need as to be 'ruining' what years I have left. I guess I am just not that self-centered as to feel that way!
Sixth, as to why he and I are not married, what does that have to do with this situation?
Seventh, you are correct about BOTH our lives changing by taking them in but it is not anything that couldn't be handled if a person really wanted to.
Which brings us to Eighth...and that is that I think all are correct in saying he has pretty much already made up his mind.
Which in turn brings us to point Nine, which is that I gave up everything I had to be with him, including rarely seeing my own elderly parents.
I could have just as easily insisted that we live on my property next door to them but instead I let my property go at his insistence that I move in with him. As far as his parents go, no right now they do not need him but may in the future and I would tell him,'Go to them' if they did need him. Pretty simple solution, best I can tell.
Which brings us to the final point of this particular post, number Ten. As was pointed out, men will come and go but family is something we will always have. We can choose our mate but not our blood. Family means a great deal to me and I will stand by my decision to take my grandchildren in and take care of them and love them, even if I have to do it alone.
So now the ball is in HIS court. If he loves me and them like he claims he will help me.
#10 Jan 16, 2013
More power to you if you can do it.But some are not cut out for it.It is not selfishness to say[hey,i have raised my kids,i don't want to be tied down raising another family] Some can do it,some can't.The marriage question was only because i know you have a better chanch getting the kids if you are married than if you have a live in boyfriend.But as i said i wish you the best.You have a bad situation anyway you look at it,someone is gonna be hurt.
#11 Jan 16, 2013
The man is absolutely correct to put a promise to his parents above pressure from his live-in shack job to abandom them. He's under no obligation to leave his family to take care of someone else's grandkids. And, why do you think it's necessary to move 1000 miles away? I sense an underlying motive on your part to separate him from his parents. Jealousy?
#12 Jan 16, 2013
Where is the kids' daddy ? He would be the one who the state normally would ask to raise them .Those kids had to have 2 parents.Uless he is dead or in prison,they are his .
#13 Jan 16, 2013
Sounds like you have your head on straight Lynn. You love your grandchildren and will give them the good loving home they deserve. I hope you and the children all the best and also that your daughter's health improves soon.
#14 Jan 16, 2013
Devastated, I'm sorry about the mistake on the name.
#15 Jan 16, 2013
your grandkids are lucky to have you. best withes. all will work out in time.
#16 Jan 17, 2013
You sound like you've made your choice and it sounds like he has made his. You obviously don't have time to waste hoping he will change his mind. It's that fantasy women have about changing their mates when in all reality we know it just isn't going to happen. You need to do what you feel is right and accept the outcome. No point in dwelling here. You can either raise your grandkids or let them go into foster care. Can you go live with their mother and help care for her while helping care for the children? Then you don't have to find a place to live and they still get to be with their mother?
#17 Jan 17, 2013
You must not can read very well. The grandmother did not say they need to move a 1000 miles away. From what I read she said she didnt see how it made any difference if they lived next door to his parents or if they were a 1000 miles away--being that he doesn't check on them, or call or visit them. And since he doesn't, how could that amount to jealousy? How could it make any difference if they were to move?
If a man lives with a woman as a married couple, why do they need a piece of paper to be married? And if they are the same as married except for that piece of paper, why would a man 'cleave unto' his parents and not his wife?
Also, the lady said that she is not asking him to do the daily care of the children. Plus she said that she has her own income. So how is he 'taking care' of them if she does all the work involved and pays their way?
Sounds to me like Grandmother loves both him and the children and is trying to come up with a solution they can all be happy with. No need for you to be nasty toward her and call her a 'shack-job' because after so many years I doubt HE sees her as such!
#18 Jan 17, 2013
No doubt you're a much better reader than I. So, maybe you can explain why a man should break a promise to care for the parents who brought him into the world and cared for him when he was helpless. Any person who pressures another to break a serious committment is not worthy of trust. This might be the reason for the absence of that "piece of paper" you find so worthless.
#19 Jan 19, 2013
Mr P, that poster must be a better reader than you since you speak to them as if it is me whom you are replying to.
First off, I have never 'pressured' him to do anything that he didn't want to do.
Unlike many people, I simply ask and if he says NO then it means No, end of discussion, the same as if he were to ask me and I were to say No. I do not even try to 'negotiate' when I am told No, even though he sometimes does!
Secondly: While I do understand that his parents will eventually come to a point of needing him, just as my own parents will come to a point of needing me, I do not put any pressure on him to not help them. He knows that he is free to go to them if and when that time comes. I would think a man is a piece of trash if he refused to go help his ailing, elderly parents!
As far as the jealousy comment, does that mean you would be jealous if your spouse or S.O. had parents who needed her? If not, why would you think such about me?
And, what about the promises he has made to me? I have kept my promises to him so why is it okay for him to not keep his to me? And, what of me caring for him when he was ill and being there by HIS side through thick and thin?
I may not have 'brought him into the world' but I care for him on a daily basis by doing the all the cooking, laundry, and pet care, as well as part of the housekeeping, paying half the monthly bills, doing little things for him that he could do for himself, paying attention to him when he speaks, asking for his input on serious matters and lending a helping hand when he needs it.
I suppose to many people, such as yourself, that doesn't matter since we are not 'legally' married.
Thirdly: I have to agree with the poster who said that a man is to cleave unto his wife. Although we may not be 'legally' married he calls me his wife and I call him my husband. We always have, and have treated each other as such.
That being so, since he sees me as his wife then that rule of leaving your parents and cleaving unto your wife applies. And, since he doesn't visit them, or even call them, I see no reason why moving should be an issue.
I think that if a man claims a woman to be his wife then he should follow up by treating the situation as if she were his legal wife. A lot of people make the claim but do not act as such.
And, as far as being his 'shack-job', he has never treated me as such and would tell you off if you said it in front of him. You sure do not show any respect for women with such comments.
Fourth and final for this reply: I never said that piece of paper was 'worthless'. I would much rather be legally married than living together without benefit of that legal document. That piece of paper is not 'worthless' to me nor is it to him but, like anyone who has a previous failed marriage, people can be a bit skittish.
Mostly, though, it is a financial reason that we have not married.
It has nothing to do with whether I am trustworthy. Obviously I must be or we wouldn't still be together almost a decade into things.
#20 Jan 19, 2013
Their parents are divorced and their father lives in another state and is not able to take care of them full-time nor would I ask him to.
As for your comment about a married person being more likely to get custody of them, that is not correct. The Commonwealth of Kentucky passed a law a long time ago that single people, whether male or female, gay or straight, and people who live together without benefit of legal marriage, no matter their race or nationality, are just as legally able to get custody as is a straight, white, male-female married couple.
Matter of fact, a single, black, retired woman has temporary custody of them while I look for a big enough place to take them to. So, whether we are married by law or not, the children can and will still be put into my custody. I just need a bigger house.
I would prefer we be legally married but like I said on that last post, I would never pressure anyone to do what they are not happily willing to do. And before anyone jumps the gun and makes comments about him not trusting me or any such nonsense, keep in mind that not marrying is a thing we both think is for the best right now due to financial reasons.
As for their mother and I living together, no. This is not allowed by the state when the children have been removed from the home.
To make things a bit clearer, I will say this: My daughter is ill enough that she couldn't keep her house up, couldn't work, and was not able to take proper care of the children is why they were taken.
Until she is well and able to do these things, she cannot live in the same house as them. That is a rule put in place by Kentucky social services CPS for the protection of the children.
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