my boyfriend won't marry me

my boyfriend won't marry me

Posted in the Lanark Forum

kay

Princeton, WV

#1 Oct 30, 2008
My boyfriend and I have been living together for over 3 years. I want to get married. Everytime
I bring up the subject, he keeps giving me excuses.
We get along great, have a pretty good relationship
and our finances are in order.
I am thinking about leaving him because of this. We've been together 5 years and I have heard every
excuse you can imagine...
Any comments?
kidd

Cuyahoga Falls, OH

#2 Nov 3, 2008
kay wrote:
My boyfriend and I have been living together for over 3 years. I want to get married. Everytime
I bring up the subject, he keeps giving me excuses.
We get along great, have a pretty good relationship
and our finances are in order.
I am thinking about leaving him because of this. We've been together 5 years and I have heard every
excuse you can imagine...
Any comments?
i would leave
Kay

Princeton, WV

#3 Nov 6, 2008
He now asks that I give him til March. I think I will and then plan to move on if he doesn't marry me
anonyme

Gland, Switzerland

#4 Mar 18, 2009
hi Kay,
i understand you so much. my boyfriend and i have been together about 2 and a half years and i would like to get married too but he gives me the lame excuse that our taxes will increase or that he dislikes being the center of attention and that if i want to get married then fine, but just the 2 of us. that's just unacceptable, if i get married i want the big party and all... anyway, i guess its just extorsion for me to say "in that case no"...
I know my bf loves me for sure, he always tells me he needs me, he loves me, etc. but no marriage in perspective...

I dont know what to do, only thing i can think of is to have a kid and not letting him recognize it, meaning the kid would be mine and all mine. That would hurt him and maybe encourage him to marry me. else he would have no right on the kid and if sometime we separate, he would not have any paternal right. Well this plan is a bit machiavelic, but i am sure it would encourage him to marry me. so thats my advice
Anonymous

Sonoma, CA

#5 Jun 2, 2009
anonyme, Thats a HORRIBLE thing to do to a child.

They aren't tools. They're people.

Those kinds of things will stay with a kid their whole life.

If he doesn't respect you enough to include marriage, he isn't the right guy. Having his child without marriage won't do you or the child ANY good at all.
ppp

Beckley, WV

#6 Jul 3, 2009
"That would hurt him and maybe encourage him to marry me. else he would have no right on the kid and if sometime we separate, he would not have any paternal right. Well this plan is a bit machiavelic, but i am sure it would encourage him to marry me. so thats my advice "

Do not listen to this for sure, its not true at all. A man has just as much paternal right as the mother, all he needs is a DNA test.
YoungMan

Raleigh, NC

#7 Apr 17, 2010
In the past marriage used to simply be a vow of love, it has evolved into a legal construct. Maybe the reason he doesn't want to marry you is because he doesn't want the legal part of the marriage?

I can certainly understand that mentality, given the current state of our divorce courts. The courts will rule against men nearly every time. To us, legal marriage is nothing but a risk and a liability.

I'm a man in my early twenties and for these reasons I will never get married. Everything a married guy can do an unmarried guy can do. He can live with you, he can take care of the children, he can help make payments, ETC...

The idea the marriage somehow tethers him to you is also an illusion. The divorce rate is sky-high. What keeps a relationship together is not marriage, it's love. If love is lacking he will look elsewhere, if love is there, he will most likely stay. A piece of paper is not going to save your relationship.

For a man, marriage is nothing but a liability. If it doesn't work out, the man gets screwed by the divorce courts. So why should a man get legally married? The VOW OF LOVE should be enough, as that is what really matters.
1 post removed
Desperate for Love

Atlanta, GA

#9 Nov 29, 2011
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. I told him when we first met that 2 years was my dating max and that marriage or break-up had to follow that time frame. I have two children from a previous relationship that love him very much and he loves them. All of my cousins, friends, and even my baby brother have gotten married since we have been together. Its to the point that Im embarrassed to even be around them all with my "boyfriend." He talks about marrying me but Im not convinced. Its like he feeds into my fantasies and then he finds a way to throw in the wait factor.

I have decided that the love that he gives me is to symbolic to that that my father gave, only to devastate me in the end. My plan is to get back on my feet ( Ive recently lost my job) and take my kids and move on back to just being the 3 of us. My heart hurts for them but I promise to never open us up like this again. I intend to allow him to just be my friend and physically give myself to someone that just enjoys what companionship I have to offer (without involving my children).

On a good note... the sex sucks anyway.
Young women

Saint Cloud, MN

#10 Dec 27, 2012
YoungMan wrote:
In the past marriage used to simply be a vow of love, it has evolved into a legal construct. Maybe the reason he doesn't want to marry you is because he doesn't want the legal part of the marriage?
I can certainly understand that mentality, given the current state of our divorce courts. The courts will rule against men nearly every time. To us, legal marriage is nothing but a risk and a liability.
I'm a man in my early twenties and for these reasons I will never get married. Everything a married guy can do an unmarried guy can do. He can live with you, he can take care of the children, he can help make payments, ETC...
The idea the marriage somehow tethers him to you is also an illusion. The divorce rate is sky-high. What keeps a relationship together is not marriage, it's love. If love is lacking he will look elsewhere, if love is there, he will most likely stay. A piece of paper is not going to save your relationship.
For a man, marriage is nothing but a liability. If it doesn't work out, the man gets screwed by the divorce courts. So why should a man get legally married? The VOW OF LOVE should be enough, as that is what really matters.
I appreciate your opinion as I think it's one that many people in our generation share. Unfortunately divorce is a huge reality everyone in our generation has seen even if not first hand. However I feel that we are completely missing the mark here. We have become even more shellfish and immature then our parents. We are seeing more people beginning to settle down later and later in life. Because people are more afraid of the "freedoms " that a family takes away then what they add.
The other thing that people don't understand is that when you have children and you aren't married You have the same legal obligations as if you are. In some states you such as the one I live in. Unmarried fathers have far less right with the same obligations. This being said if the first thing that comes to mind is how to legally protect your self against your significant other they probably aren't the person you should be with. The " party girl class clown, and typical bad boy" are entertaining mates but likely not very reliable ones.
The only thing your protecting yourself from by living with and having children with your significant other with ought making a commitment is having secure trust filled family for you and your children.

In response to the girl that started this post: you have to take a look at what you really want before you make your decision. Are you wanting to get married? Or are wanting to marry your boyfriend?
It's not always an easy question but would getting married and having kids with someone else feel just as satisfying? If its not him , it's time to move on and find what your really looking for regardless of the time invested in this relationship. If its him then what are you going to find by leaving?
Share your feelings with him and let him know he is he man you want to be with for the rest of your life. But marriage and a family are something you can't imagine your life complete withought. Your lives will change as long as your marriage is based on the right choices but the good will out weigh the bad. When the times right it will be the best thing you could imagine but it won't if your not both ready. If he is worth waiting for wait for him.
1 post removed
Jazz

Reading, PA

#12 May 28, 2013
I am on the same situation......a 5 yr relationship, my bf wants kids but doesn't want to get married because our taxes would increase. Marriage is very important to me and just wished he had said something earlier. When we first met marriage was in his plans but now because of "taxes" he changed his mind. I seriously considering leaving even though its hard to imagine my life without him.
Typicalguy

United States

#13 Jun 18, 2013
YoungMan wrote:
In the past marriage used to simply be a vow of love, it has evolved into a legal construct. Maybe the reason he doesn't want to marry you is because he doesn't want the legal part of the marriage?
I can certainly understand that mentality, given the current state of our divorce courts. The courts will rule against men nearly every time. To us, legal marriage is nothing but a risk and a liability.
I'm a man in my early twenties and for these reasons I will never get married. Everything a married guy can do an unmarried guy can do. He can live with you, he can take care of the children, he can help make payments, ETC...
The idea the marriage somehow tethers him to you is also an illusion. The divorce rate is sky-high. What keeps a relationship together is not marriage, it's love. If love is lacking he will look elsewhere, if love is there, he will most likely stay. A piece of paper is not going to save your relationship.
For a man, marriage is nothing but a liability. If it doesn't work out, the man gets screwed by the divorce courts. So why should a man get legally married? The VOW OF LOVE should be enough, as that is what really matters.
I whole heartedly agree with this. I love my girlfriend to death but I will not marry her.
gabby

Ashburn, VA

#14 Aug 8, 2013
its so sad to hear wat youngman is saying. marriage was created by God. Thts why its a sin for a man and woman to have sex before marriage. I think men are just childshid and they always want to play. thats why they r scared to commit to one partner. I say no marriage then no sex for men at all.
MS LLS

United States

#15 Aug 13, 2013
I WAS ON THE INTERNET TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY MY BOYFRIEND OF THREE YRS WONT MARRY ME.... HE HAS BEEN TELLING ME FOR 3 YRS, IM GOING TO MARRY YOU THIS SUMMER, IM GOING TO MARRY YOU THIS FALL, IM GOING TO MARRY YOU THIS WINTER, IM GOING TO MARRY YOU THE FIRST PART OF NEXT YEAR. EACH YEAR ITS ALWAYS SOMETHING. WE HAVE BEEN LIVING TOGETHER, I TAKE CARE OF HIS CHILDREN ALTHOUGH I HAVE NONE OF MY OWN. I KEEP THINKING MAYBE HE IS NOT READY TO COMMITT TO MARRIAGE, BUT WANT THE PERKS OF MARRAIGE. IVE MOVED TO HIS HOME TOWN WITH ONLY BROKEN PROMISSES FROM HIM. HE IS A GOOD DUDE, BUT HE LIES SO MUCH. EVEN ON HIS FACEBOOK TILL THIS DAY, HE STILL ACCEPTES A TON OF FEMALES REQUEST DAILY. WELL IVE BEEN MARRIED, YOUNG TO, 11YRS AND IT WAS OVER. I JUST DONT WANT TO FIND MYSELF HOLDING ON THAT HE IS GOING TO MARRY ME, AND IN THE END WE NEVER DO. THAT WOULD BE ANOTHER PART OF MY LIFE WASTED. IM 35 IN SEPTEMBER, HE DONSENT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE ME AS HIS FINANCE, OR SOON TO BE WIFE, JUST THIS MY BABY. SHOULD I GIVE UP ON HIM? I LOVE HIM, BUT MY PATIENCE IS RUNNING THIN. WE WERE SUPPOSE TO MARRY THIS MONTH, NO EFFORT HAS BEEN MADE ON HIS PART, ALL HE TALKS ABOUT IS THE LASTEST GAME GETTING READY TO COME OUT AT THYE END OF THIS MONTH, AND THE NEW GAME COMING OUT NEXT MONTH....CALL ME DUMB, BUT SOME GOOD ADVICE IS NEEDED!!
Hmmm

Great Barrington, MA

#16 Aug 13, 2013
Why buy the cow if you're getting the milk for free? This doesn't take a genius to figure it out. You move in with him and play wife and THEN expect him to make it legal? Riiiiight.
tmi

United States

#17 Oct 11, 2013
My boyfriend & i have been together for 3 1/2 years ge asked me to mary him 2. 1/2 years ago but his child will not let him cuz she want monmy and daddy back together
brandi

Uvalde, TX

#18 Nov 5, 2013
You should leave if he won't merry u
canada_wondering

United States

#19 Nov 6, 2013
Leave! You say either marr yhe me or else! If he hesitates leave!!! Go...no whining etc...go out the door...let him know hou mean business..if he loves you he will not lose you...if he don't budge..he has no intention of marriage...just stringing you along.
2 posts removed
better not worse

United States

#22 Sep 18, 2015
Im so glad my parents raised me right... why buy the cow when the milk is free..
Why have kids when they have to go to school saying "my moms bf" or my dads gf.... u dont have to consider DIVORCE Rates.... you go into marriage for life NOT just until you decide to divorce. Divorce is like a backup plan IF Something goes SOOOOO Wrong it cant be workd out... but its otherwise a non option..

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