Sons don't appreciate good deal

Sons don't appreciate good deal

There are 60 comments on the Chicago Tribune story from Jan 7, 2008, titled Sons don't appreciate good deal. In it, Chicago Tribune reports that:

Dear Abby: I have two adult sons living at home, ages 22 and 24. Both are working.

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Dienne

United States

#1 Jan 7, 2008
LW1: Do you seriously need Abby to tell you that $120 a month is reasonable? Grow a backbone, woman. They should be paying several times that amount. Or they can move out.

LW2: I hope you have other family/friend support. You need to lose that self-centered husband of yours.

LW3: What the? She can't even ask the hostess because that would put undue pressure on her? Please. If the hostess doesn't have enough of a backbone to say no in her own house, maybe she ought not to be hosting parties. There's nothing wrong with asking the hostess for permission - she probably would have been delighted. What would be wrong would be for the hostess to ask Sophie to play (unless she really knew that Sophie wanted to) because that would put undue pressure on Sophie.
jennifer

Batavia, OH

#2 Jan 7, 2008
re LW3: I play the piano but I'm not a virtuoso by any means. I would feel uneasy playing a particular instrument without having some practice on it first. Pianos are not all the same. Sometimes the keys are tight and sometimes they are loose. I think it's possible this musician had some anxiety about playing a new instrument in public, and she didn't want to offend her hosts as well. I agree with Dienne....the hosts would probably have been delighted for her to play. In my experience musicians are very nice people and really enjoy hearing others play.
Red Anne Vane

Manteno, IL

#3 Jan 7, 2008
Don't be so hard on the husband of LW2. He's probably exhausted and terrified too, and it's not selfish of him to want some affection and some reassurance that his wife still thinks about him occasionally (and yes, I know she's nearly drained dry at this point).

Abby's advice was good - let him come talk to the Ob/gyn and the oncologist and get the straight dope from them. It makes more sense for him to know exactly what she's going through physically than feeling rejected because every night it's ``Not now, I'm too tired.'' Perhaps they can hire some help or work out some kind of arrangement where the wife isn't carrying all the burden herself - then she'll feel a little less exhausted and a little more inclined to show affection :)
non smoker

United States

#4 Jan 7, 2008
The husband of LW2 needs to cool it. He may want some comfort, but I can see why the wife is not interested. I had a baby 6 months ago, and it took about 4 months for me to be interested and I don't have all the other issues the writer has!
too old

Chicago, IL

#5 Jan 7, 2008
The husband probably is scared too... who wouldn't be? Maybe he's less into sex and more just wants to know that he's loved and show that he loves her.

Let's not castrate the poor guy. Men show affection through sex... the wife should take him to the doc appointments and then tell him what she needs from him in terms of affection and comfort.

I wish her (and him) all the best.
Dienne

United States

#6 Jan 7, 2008
Red Anne Vane wrote:
Don't be so hard on the husband of LW2. He's probably exhausted and terrified too, and it's not selfish of him to want some affection and some reassurance that his wife still thinks about him occasionally (and yes, I know she's nearly drained dry at this point).
Abby's advice was good - let him come talk to the Ob/gyn and the oncologist and get the straight dope from them. It makes more sense for him to know exactly what she's going through physically than feeling rejected because every night it's ``Not now, I'm too tired.'' Perhaps they can hire some help or work out some kind of arrangement where the wife isn't carrying all the burden herself - then she'll feel a little less exhausted and a little more inclined to show affection :)
First, I have an issue with your assertion that the husband needs to hear "the straight dope" from the oncologist or the OB/gyn. Why can't he hear it from his WIFE?

Second, I don't have a child with disabilities nor do I have (or have ever had) cancer. But even I know how exhausting either of those things are - it's just plain common sense. He should be able to SEE how exhausted she is.

Third, while I agree that the wife absolutely shouldn't be carrying all the burden herself, there's still the issue that she has cancer - that alone is enough to exhaust her. I had a nasty cold for a couple weeks and had no interest in intimacy - I can't imagine being expected to "perform" when faced with a serious, long-term and possibly fatal disease.
Lisa

Pittsburgh, PA

#7 Jan 7, 2008
With laundry service, home-cooked meals, and a comfortable place to live,$30 a week is far too little! Each of those "boys" should be contributing at least twice that much, plus doing several hours of yard work and other upkeep. Mom should ask around -- this is standard, and she'll get plenty of reinforcement.
Chris

Chicago, IL

#8 Jan 7, 2008
It is true that the spouse in LW2's story needs love and affection, and lots of it. Not the husband - the wife.

Why isn't he showering her with the attention she needs at this time? 3 kids in 4 years isn't enough for him. He wants to try for baby #4. Guess she'll have to nurse that one in between chemo appointments.

The biggest drain on that woman isn't the cancer, the baby's medical issues, or caring for 3 children under 4. No, it's the lack of a real marriage.
Gayle

Schererville, IN

#9 Jan 7, 2008
Have the husband care for the baby and the other children for one day and then let him come iwth you to your doctors appointment-Then ask him how he is feeling.
Dienne

United States

#11 Jan 7, 2008
FLH wrote:
I'm sorry... but the husband is a jerk. Men show affection and love with sex? Please... Obviously that is all this man ever wants from his wife considering the poor woman has spent all four years of their marriage pregnant! Perhaps its time for him to stop thinking about himself, use his other head, and start thinking about the fact that his wife has a very serious illness, one she may not survive, and the he will be raising his three children, including the one with serious disabilities. He is absolutely beyond selfish. If he's so sexually driven that he can't think of anything else, let alone the health of his wife, he should invest in a subscription to some porn magazines, get a super-size bottle of lotion and big box of kleenex. While his poor wife is dealing with very serious, adult problems, all he can think about his is *ick. Is he 16?!?
Well said!
lamartrotti

United States

#12 Jan 7, 2008
Red Anne Vane wrote:
Don't be so hard on the husband of LW2. He's probably exhausted and terrified too, and it's not selfish of him to want some affection and some reassurance that his wife still thinks about him occasionally (and yes, I know she's nearly drained dry at this point).
Abby's advice was good - let him come talk to the Ob/gyn and the oncologist and get the straight dope from them. It makes more sense for him to know exactly what she's going through physically than feeling rejected because every night it's ``Not now, I'm too tired.'' Perhaps they can hire some help or work out some kind of arrangement where the wife isn't carrying all the burden herself - then she'll feel a little less exhausted and a little more inclined to show affection :)
An execellent case for legalized prostitution. The guy needs a release.
suzyq

Murfreesboro, TN

#13 Jan 7, 2008
Throw your two sons out of the house and make them grow up. I'll pay you $60.00 a week if you take care of me, and I won't tell you that you're a horrible person!! Why do you baby two grown men?
Janis in Chicago

United States

#14 Jan 7, 2008
Dear Abby,

This is in answer to your letter to Stressed-out Mom, Lake View, N.Y.- I am 49 and living with my sister (44) and my mother (69). My mother is also retired and we help pay equally for living together which could be about $600 per month each. When I was 22, I also paid at least $100 per month for living with my mother and step father. Those 2 boys are getting a really good deal for $30 each! Do they realize how much it would cost them to live on their own? They should gladly help out the parent(s) who has self-lessly paid for all their expenses over the years without arguments. They're being selfish and inconsiderate.
someone

United States

#15 Jan 7, 2008
sorry but cancer treatment and child care come before professional orgasm releaser expenses.

get some porn and vaseline. Cheaper and accomplishes the same end
Dienne

United States

#16 Jan 7, 2008
lamartrotti wrote:
<quoted text>An execellent case for legalized prostitution. The guy needs a release.
The guy needs a release? The GUY??? What about the woman - you know, the one who is caring for three kids under 4 (one seriously disabled) while coping with cancer? What release does she get? But the husband is so stressed out that he needs to go bang someone. Right.

This may amaze you, but, yes, men are capable of living without sex. And assuming that they were married in a Christian church (not necessarily a correct assumption, I admit), the husband promised to love his wife for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others,'til death do them part. Legal or not, seeking a prostitute would be wrong.
Dan

Schaumburg, IL

#17 Jan 7, 2008
Dienne, where the HECK does it say that SHE's caring for the 3 kids?? They are HIS kids too. Oh, that's because he's out there WORKING to provide for the household they have. It sounded to me like she had issues even before the cancer diagnosis.
Sarah

United States

#18 Jan 7, 2008
The Mom in LW1 should look at the newspaper to find the costs of renting an apartment in her area, then tack on the expense of food, utilities and mail service, then present this information to her spoiled rotten sons. If they're decent human beings, they should be paying her close to fair market value - if they're not, she should give them the boot so they are forced to learn to take personal, financial responsibility.
Mary

Chicago, IL

#19 Jan 7, 2008
the mom should force those boys (they certainly are not men) to live on their own. period.
The husband in letter two is a pig. I agree with FLH totally!
FLH

Dixon, IL

#20 Jan 7, 2008
Dan, where does it say that the wife isn't also WORKING. So what if he's working, what she owes him some tail because he's 'working and providing for the household?!' I am willing to bet, if the man was the one who had cancer, and he wrote this letter, citing his exhaustion and stress from work, his illness, and the three kids, and it was the wife who was complaining about not getting any, you would be calling the wife selfish, and rightfully so.
EEE

Chicago, IL

#22 Jan 7, 2008
Re LW3: A good friend of mine is a singer. She frequently gets "requests" to perform at gatherings and finds this very impolite. Usually, she's there to enjoy herself and hasn't warmed up or rehearsed. I think the pianist in this letter was actually trying to politely decline giving an unpaid performance.

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