Adults-only wedding gets no ringing endorsement

Dear Abby: Your response to 'Furious in Vancouver, Wash.,' about adults-only weddings, was right on.

[Jane]

Family should be invited regardless of them being children.. What is a wedding without a childs laughter? They are the ones that hit the dance floor first.. If you don't want children around GO to VEGAS!!!

[kelly]

some people don't like kids cyring and snottin' around. get over it.

[Julie]

The bride and groom have every right to dictate who is at their wedding. It's selfish people who think that their kids have the right to go anywhere they do who ruin special moments.

[Lisa]

Would you bring children to any other formal occasion? I think it is total madness that people still assume that children have a right to be thee regardless. If people want to pay to have kids there, take the risk of them ruining the events and stress about how the kids will be cared for and entertained than the can do it...for the rest of us, we should be free to uninvite kids from our meticulously planned event with being lectured on "children's joy and and laughter."

[Rebecca from the East]

My nephew did not invite my 16 and 12 years old children to his wedding, on the insistence of his now wife. It was a slap in the face insult considering all that we have done for him when he was younger. In addition, we found out that they weren't invited when we recieved the invitation.
We opted NOT to go to the wedding.
Quite frankly, I have opted not to have anything to do with her forever.

[Melissa]

Anybody who's snooty enough to exclude kids from a wedding reception doesn't need a gift from me. These are the same people who will think their child is the best child in the world and would feel insulted when it's done to them.

Twice I've been invited to weddings/receptions where my children were not invited. One was from a long-time friend from school, and the other from my stepparent's daughter. I refused to go, citing child care issues. And no, I didn't send a gift. And when they have baby showers, no gifts then either.

But perhaps I'll offer to take them out for a night on the town at the hippest club, right before baby's due for a "no kids" fun night. Hmmm...wonder if they'll still feel the same way, lol :)

[Adrian]

I just got an invitation in the mail from one of my closest friend dictating no children.

It is the right of the bride and groom to invite whomever they choose.

However, those that think just because a child is there is will ruin their "meticulously planned event", obviously don't have children.

We live 3 hours away...so guess who just got univited from his wedding...my wife and daughter.

For more people than not...the next step in a relationship after a wedding is children. Seems kinda backwards doesn't it???

[John]

It seems to me that we all have moments in life that are celebrated and special. Weddings are at the top of the list for some. Hopefully the wedding is just the beginning of a couple’s happy moments that should be celebrated with friends and family. I do not understand a couple’s decision not to have children attend these celebrations of life. If my children are not welcome then I am not going to attend no matter who’s wedding it is. To exclude children from one of life's greatest events to me expresses a lack of wisdom. Just as weddings are a part of life’s greatest moments so are having children and if it were not for children there would be no need for weddings.

[Jodi]

Would you take your child to a restaurant and allow him or her to order a $55 (or more) meal? Weddings are expensive, and they are meant to celebrate the newly married couple, not necessarily have a family outing. It's THEIR decision on whom to invite and it doesn't make them children-haters to not invite the little ones.

BTW - I am a single mother and when I've been invited to adult-only events, I simply find a relative or sitter, or I do not attend.

[Hellen England UK]

Pledging your love and your most intimate feelings to the man of your dreams is one of the precious moments of your life. Possibly the moment that you will remember for ever. With that in mind, why would you want that moment ruined by someones child running up and down the aisle, bashing toys on the church pews or screaming their heads off? The marriage ceremony is an adult affair and the Bride and Groom should be the centre of attention at that moment, not an unruly child. PS. I am speaking from experience as I have sung in the church choir for the last 30 years and see three weddings a week!

[Amanda]

I am getting married in July and have decided to have an adult only reception. For all those that think kids should be included, they should also remember the fact that those little ones are not going to remember that day 5 years from now. However, you can bet that the bride and groom will remember that day forever.

[Elizabeth]

For all of you who are calling the bride and groom selfish, snooty, or any number of other things, please consider this: etiquette states that if you invite one child, you have to invite everyone's children. And especially for a couple who is getting married when they're slightly older, that can mean 20, 30, or 50+ extra people (kids) added to the guest list.

That's the situation I'm facing, and honestly, I'd love a little understanding from my extended family that I'm not a horrible, selfish person for not inviting THEIR kids. In addition, inviting all those kids would cut down on the number of very close friends, whom we see and socialize with regularly, that we're able to invite (the venue is somewhat small).

Please, put yourself in the position of the bride and groom. They have to make a lot of hard choices like these, and none are made lightly, I can assure you.

[Jan]

Etiquette goes not state that if you invite one child you have to invite all. It states that if you have an adult wedding there are NO children. I would suggest that you might revisit your list. How deeply would members of the family be hurt if their children were not invited? What would be their reaction? Will they decide not to go? Have parents agreed or disagrees with your decision? Could family relationships be ruined over your decision? Will neices and nephews be excluded? Will first cousins be excluded? This could make a world of difference.

I understand that you want friends there, but do their kids need to be there? I would suggest that you try to strike a balance between family and friends. Most people understand when it comes to limiting the number of children, family children should be included over children who are not family.

My MIL gave me the best advise. "Weddings can casue a lot hurt feelings." I took that advise and tried to avoid those issues the best I could.
Whatever you do, DON'T put adult only or anything like that on the invitation. Formal etiquette considers this to be rude, although recently some people think that it is not. Once you put "adult" on the invitation, you own it. No matter what situation arises, what minds have changed you can't take that back.

[Heather]

If anyone is selfish in this type of situation, it is the parents that flip out over the fact that their kids aren't invited. Weddings are solely about the bride and groom uniting together. The people invited are there to support the bride and groom and celebrate their joy. If they decide to have an adult only reception, regardless of the reason, that is their decision. It's their day, and to be insulted that you and your children are not accomodate in the way you'd like on their day is selfish.
And that does not mean they don't like kids. I love kids and I want their excitement and energy at our wedding, but we have a very large family and our guest list is busting at the seams as it is. Plus, having kids is a choice and if you have them you should understand that they will not always be invited everywhere you are.

[Max]

Melissa wrote:

Anybody who's snooty enough to exclude kids from a wedding reception doesn't need a gift from me. These are the same people who will think their child is the best child in the world and would feel insulted when it's done to them.
Twice I've been invited to weddings/receptions where my children were not invited. One was from a long-time friend from school, and the other from my stepparent's daughter. I refused to go, citing child care issues. And no, I didn't send a gift. And when they have baby showers, no gifts then either.
But perhaps I'll offer to take them out for a night on the town at the hippest club, right before baby's due for a "no kids" fun night. Hmmm...wonder if they'll still feel the same way, lol :)

Oh, right, so you must NEVER ever have a night out without your kids. You must NEVER" hire a babysitter when you need a little break. Otherwise, you would be acting a total hypocrit for deciding your kids are never to be excluded from ANY event, even if its at the request of your host or hostess to the event you are attending.

[snow]

I think that anyone who has been married had the opportunity to plan and carry out their wedding the way that they wanted. I believe that the future bride and groom should invite who they want and have their celebration carried out how they want since it is their day.
As far as children at a wedding, I can't see how children under five can tolerate a long event such as a wedding; but older children who understand what is going on can be a joy. But, it is the wedding couples decision and why can't everyone realize they are getting married and it is THEIR day.

[vegaspirate]

My husband and I DID elect to get married in Vegas, as pirates no less, this past August. The best part was that no one who came brought their children, largely because they didn't want to pay the airfare. It was heavenly.

I would have gone berserk had some whiny brat was screaming or carrying on while I said my vows.

Here's to a life time of child freedom with my piratey husband!

[Cleo]

When I was 4 years old I was asked to be a bridesmaid at my older sister's wedding. I ran up and down the aisle during the service, I cried, loudly, when I was prevented from doing this, I attempted to interrupt the ceremony by grabbing my sister... I was a little sh*t rag. Then I fell asleep and had to be carried about and taken care of.
My sister loves kids and didn't seem to mind. But I would not risk that if I was getting married. I hate children, won't ever be having any, and you can bet your ass I won't have them around on a day that is meant to be about me and my partner.

[QQ Moore]

Talk about entitlement issues with some of you parents here. Weddings are for the bride and groom, not for Cousin Cletus to show off his latest "miracle" so get over yourselves. By the way, not every couple plans to have children and the whole "having kids is what couples do" is ignorant and offensive.

[Amber]

This http://www.etiquettehell.com/content/eh_weddi...

is why my wedding will be an Adults-Only Ceremony and Reception. No cheesy flower girls/ring bearers/page boys looking miserably in frou-frou kiddy finery either. This may be a problem, given that every single grown-up cousin on my father's side of the family seems to be multiplying every other month, but it will also help cut down the costs of dinner and seating! Plus, I plan on having a late-night black tie reception anyway, at a time that's too late for snotbeasts to be awake.

FH and I don't ever ever want children either (I'd have had gotten myself spayed already, but it's too expensive right now). We're perfectly content with cats and dogs and ferrets, and being able to whisk ourselves off to exciting exotic vacations when we please without having to haul around a troup of kiddies behind us.