Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#23 Mar 17, 2011
{Some Animal Jokes}

Three moles lived in a hole: papa mole, momma mole and baby mole. One morning, Papa raised his head, sniffed and said " I smell pancakes." Momma mole poked her head up and said " I smell maple syrup". Baby Mole tried hard to push his way to the top of the hole. Unsuccessful, he grunted and began to pout. In a sad voice, he said. " I can't smell pancakes or maple syrup because all I can smell is molasses!"
>>>>>>> >>>>>>> >>>>>>> >>>>>>> >>>>>>> >>>>>>> >>>>>>> >>

There's been all kinds of joke threads up on here. Some really good jokes have been posted. Hers' one out of the older threads.

There is a shetland pony who goes to Mcdonalds and he walks up the counter and says, Id like a cheeseburger, fries and coke please.

The cashier says speak up please I can not hear you.

So the shetland repeats himself, and the cashier still can not hear him.

The shetland clears his throat and says
"Im so sorry, Im a little horse"
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#24 Mar 17, 2011
A physician claims that the following are actual comments made by his
patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
Now to Wayne's way of thinking I would imagine that all the patients were
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in San Francisco, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

... And the best one of them all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#25 Mar 17, 2011
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked,'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered,'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man,'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible,' said the man.'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded,'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's President Bush’s clock?' asked the man.

‘His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.’
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#26 Mar 17, 2011

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own danged business!"

>>>>>>> >>>>>>> >>>>>>> >>>>>>> >>>>>>> >>>>>>> >>>>>>> >>

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#27 Mar 17, 2011

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked,'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again,'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked,'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded.'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#28 Mar 17, 2011
(The Indiana Farmer)

A farmer is out looking over his fields when a truck with a government license plate pulls up. The driver gets out and says, "I'm from the federal government and I'm here to search your farm for illegal drugs."

The farmer says, "Okay, but don't go into that field", pointing over his shoulder. The official pulls out a badge and shows it to the farmer, saying

"You see this badge? This badge says I'm an employee of the United States government and I can go anywhere I want to go!"

So the farmer steps aside and the inspector heads straight for the field in question.

About 10 minutes later the farmer hears a lot of screaming and sees the inspector running full out for the fence with an angry snorting bull right on his tail.

The inspector yelled, "Do something! Help me!" The farmer yelled back,

"Show him your badge!"
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#29 Mar 17, 2011
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.

When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a rely bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!"

It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.

Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"

He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it.

Just dial ***-4863.

I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:

First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."

I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2.

He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, Jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.

Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street.

After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

---Name withheld to protect the guilty---
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#30 Mar 17, 2011
A man came up to a farmer and said “I was driving past your farm and noticed you have some milk weed in your field. Would you mind if I walked up there and got some milk?” The farmer chuckles a bit and tells him to go ahead and get all the milk he wants. Well the guy walks out of the field with two pales full of milk. The farmer scratches his head and goes on.

Well, the guy came back the next day and said “Sir, when I was up there yesterday getting my milk, I noticed down at the fence row you had some honeysuckle. Would you mind if I got some honey over there?” The farmer chuckles again and tells him to go ahead and get all the honey he’d like. The guy comes back with a jar full of honey.

He came back to the farmer the very next day and said “When I was over there getting that honey yesterday, I saw over at the pond you had some pussy willow…. The farmer stopped him and said,“You wait a darn minute and let me get my jacket!”
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#31 Mar 17, 2011
( Slick Kenny the City Slicker)

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "OK then, at least give me the donkey."
The farmer said, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998."
Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#32 Mar 17, 2011
A stranger walked into a barber shop and asked how long he would have to wait for a haircut.

The barber told him "about an hour". The guy walked out.

A week later, the same guy came back to the shop and asked how long before he could get a cut. The barber said, "about 45 minutes".

This went on, once or twice a week for a couple of months.

After asking how long it would be, the guy left and didn't come back for a few days.

Finally, the barber's curiosity got the best of him and he hired a private eye to follow him.

The next day the guy came in and said, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber said, "about an hour" and the guy left, followed by the private investigator.

About thirty minutes later the private eye came back into the shop.

The barber said, "Well, where did he go?"

The private eye said, "To your house."
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#33 Mar 17, 2011
I went to see my eye doctor and
told him I needed new glasses,
he looked at me and said you
sure do this is a Pizza joint...

>>>>>>> >>>>>>> >>>>>>> >>>>>>> >>>>>>> >>>>>>> >>

God told Moses to take the
two tablets and see
him in the morning..

>>>>>>> >>>>>>> >>>>>>> >>>>>>> >>>>>>> >>>>>>> >>

Three guys walk into a bar
the fourth one ducks.

>>>>>>> >>>>>>> >>>>>>> >>>>>>> >>>>>>> >>>>>>> >>>

What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?

A Northern fairy tale begins, "Once upon a time..."

A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh!t..."
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#34 Mar 17, 2011

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed

the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,

then gets up & goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:

'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!

He's probably spent a lot of time in jail

and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex,

don't resist, don't what ever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.

This guy is obviously very dangerous.

If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.

Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds:'He wasn't kissing my neck.

He was whispering in my ear.

He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute,

and asked if we had any Vaseline.

I told him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong honey. I love you too!
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#35 Mar 17, 2011
A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, "Sir, this was the most brave and gallant thing I saw a man do in my whole life.

" The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.

" The reporter says, "Well, I'm a journalist from The New York Post, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page ... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?"

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Democrat."

The following morning the biker buys The New York Post to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#36 Mar 17, 2011
Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Audrey were sitting on
a park bench having a conversation, when a flasher approached from across
the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them,
and to their shock and dismay, opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Audrey, being older and a bit more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#37 Mar 17, 2011
A man is coming up to a red light and not paying attention he bumps the car ahead of him.

He stays in his car as the driver of the other car opens the door and gets out. The other driver is a midget. He walks up to the man and looks him in the eye and says, I am not happy!

The other driver looks at him and says, Well, which one of them are you?????
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#38 Mar 17, 2011
Bill Clinton.

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said,“I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.

However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying,“I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”

Bill thought for a while and said,“I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

Hillary was shocked, but said,“Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill,“So why do you have all that money in the box?”

Bill answered,“Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.”
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#39 Mar 17, 2011
Three older black ladies were going on vacation. None of the three had ever been on an airplane before, so they were a bit scared. They were sitting talking about their upcoming trip. The first lady says, "I have been thinking about this and I have decided to wear bright pink panties. If the plane goes down, they will see those bright pink panties and come to rescue me." The second lady says, "I've been thinking too, and I am going to wear some of those florescent orange panties, and the rescuers will see me." The third lady says,"I have thought about this, and I am not going to wear any panties at all. Don't you two know that after a plane crashes, the first thing they look for is the BLACK BOX!!!
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#40 Mar 17, 2011
{A Tennessee Joke}

A man is walking down the road. He spies a man with a donkey to sell. He buys the donkey from the man. The man tells him, we don't call them donkeys around here, we call them asses.

He proceeds to tell him that this particular ass is even more stubborn than most, and to get him to move, he MUST be scratched on the back.

The man travels on down the road, and sees another farmer with hens and roosters for sale. He buys a hen and a rooster. The man tells him, we call them pullits and cocks, not hens and roosters.

The man goes on down the road and the donkey stubs up and will not move.

A woman is walking down the road and the man asks her, "Will you hold my cock and pullit while I scratch my ass?" She fainted.....
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#41 Mar 17, 2011
A blond decides to ride a horse. She climbs up on its back and the horse immidiately takes off. She starts slipping so she grabs the mane. Still her hands are slipping so she decides to put her arms around the horses neck.

She cant figure out what else to do. Hugging the horse doesnt work for long because she loses her strength and she decides to just give up and bale off the horse to safety.

What she does not realize is that her foot is caught in the stirrup. As she bales she turns upside down, hanging there as the horses feet hit her head. She is just about to become unconcious as the K-Mart store manager comes up and turns the horse off.
Keyboard Hillbilly

Daytona Beach, FL

#45 Apr 1, 2011
Why Go to Church?

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church:
(1) You're 49 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

The Picnic.

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

The Usher.

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row, please," she answered..
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered.

Show and Tell ,,

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."

The Best Way to Pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

Goat for Dinner,
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom,'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.' "

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