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Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#2 Mar 10, 2011
A big-city, California, lawyer went duck hunting in rural Kentucky. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farrmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This here's my property, and you ain't a-comin' over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "I reckon you don't know how we do things here in Kentucky. We settle small disagreements like this with the Kentucky Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Kentucky Three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back 'n forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot square into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"

The old farmer grinned and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!"
PEL

Tazewell, VA

#3 Mar 11, 2011
A funny one. Hope this thread keeps going
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#4 Mar 12, 2011
As you are receiving e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally and with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Hearing the scream, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

"Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!"
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#5 Mar 12, 2011
ATTORNEY JOKES--[they really are you know}

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said,'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________
ATTORNE
Y: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
__________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you
actually pass the bar exam?
__________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
__________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
__________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
__________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
__________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
__________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
__________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
__________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Or al.
__________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
__________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
__________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No
.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
and practicing law.
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#6 Mar 12, 2011
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#7 Mar 12, 2011
Kentucky Declares War on the USA .

ONLY IN Kentucky !!!!!!!

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented southern voice said.
"This is Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, Hootin Hollar, in Harlan County Kentucky, and I am callin' to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news!
How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again.“Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day.“President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over some white lightin', and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed two million prisoners."

KENTUCKY CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#8 Mar 12, 2011
(LaFayette weather reporting can be this bad)

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#9 Mar 12, 2011
Two pieces of string walk into a bar.

They sit at a table and one gets up and goes to the bar.

"Two beers please, barman." says the string.
"We don't serve string." says the barman.

The string goes back to the table and says "They don't serve string, let's go"
"Sit down." says the second string.

The second string gets up and falls over getting all tangled and rubbing himself on the floor. He finally stands up at the bar all ruffled and tangled.

The string says "Two beers please barman."
The barman says "I told your friend that we don't serve string, and you are a string aren't you?"
The string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot."
.
.
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#10 Mar 12, 2011
The Blue Pigeon.

The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about

a plague of pigeons in Phoenix .

He could not remove the pigeons from the city.

All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop, the people

of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or

drive on the roads.

It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came

to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.

'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions.
Or, you can pay me one million dollars to ask one question.'

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted

the free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky.

All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall.

The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing,the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.

Do you think the Mayor is going to ask how the blue pigeon led all the pigeons away?

Do you think the Mayor is going to ask where all the pigeons went?

Do you think he is going to ask where the man got the blue pigeon?

Nooooooo!

This should get a smile out of you!

The mayor asked:

'Do you have a blue Mexican?'
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#11 Mar 12, 2011
On the first day, God created
the dog and said:

'Sit all day
by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty
years.'

The dog said:
'That's a long time to be barking. How about only
ten years and I'll give you back the other
ten?'

So God
agreed.

On the second
day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain
people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll
give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said:
'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty
long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the
Dog did?'

And God
agreed.

On the third
day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go
into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the
farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span
of sixty years.'

The cow said:
'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the
other forty?'

And God agreed
again.

On the fourth
day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep,
play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
twenty years.'

But the human
said:'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave
back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty,
okay?'

'Okay,'
said God,'You asked for it.'

So that is why
for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to
support our family.. For the next ten years we do monkey
tricks to entertain the grandchildren.. And for the last ten
years we sit on the front porch and bark at
everyone.

Life has now
been explained to you.
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#12 Mar 14, 2011
No one believes seniors ... everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved “I love you, Sally.”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said,“We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said,“Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.“Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

Sally said,“No”.

Jerry said,“She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said,“Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said:“Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Jerry said,“Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...”

The first police officer turned to his partner and said,“We’re outta here!”
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#13 Mar 14, 2011
I LOVE THIS ONE..

Birth of a Candy Bar
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss
Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and
Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey
Sweetheart, how'd you like to Krunch on my big hunk for a Million
Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll,
and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her
delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little
Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snicker
and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat
and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was
fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long
before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of
the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said,
"Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reese's
Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my
Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece
of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack,
you're better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong
up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was
giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden...my
Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow
Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough,
nine months later, out popped..........Baby Ruth!
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#14 Mar 14, 2011
It's that time of year to take our annual atheists citizen test.

Exercise
of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you
lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of
intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing
it or not. Do not lie to yourself. Answer the question to yourself before you look at the answers. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
.
.
.
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
.
2. Say "silk " five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
.
.
.
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next
question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content
yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from
blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house
is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?.
.
.
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why
in the world are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on
to Question 4.
.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany .(If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically
divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight,
two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is
also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the
engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in
the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany .
Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no
man's land"?
.

Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you
said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question
.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales . In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading
, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swanson , two
people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16
people get on.. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on
. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at
Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver and don't look back
at the beginning of this problem?
.Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions.:)
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#16 Mar 14, 2011
In case you never heard about the School in Florida that President Bush was visiting on September 11, 2001 and what was going on in the classroom here is a true account of of what was being discussed.

President Bush was visiting a primary school in Florida and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No,' said President Bush,'that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not,' explained George W..
'That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Dubia searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!' exclaimed Dubia.'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well,' says Johnny,'It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your ass it's probably not an accident either."
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#17 Mar 16, 2011
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says,'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich,'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9..40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says,'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says,'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.'Excuse me, sir.. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man,'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress.'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..

The waitress asks,'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers,'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say....
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#18 Mar 16, 2011
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven.
St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can
answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November
when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful."

"Wrong!" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde
the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when
we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth
of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust,
tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the
third blonde.

He asks, "What is Easter?"

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the
eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at
the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to
the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be
crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of
thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands.
He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large
boulder."

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside
so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there
will be six more weeks of winter."
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#19 Mar 16, 2011
Country Logic

Two rednecks, Jimbo and Bubba, are sitting at their favorite bar,
drinking beer. Jimbo turns to Bubba and says,'You know, I'm tired of
going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to
the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Bubba thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jimbo goes down to the college and meets Dean
of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math,
English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Jimbo says.'What's that?'

The dean says,'I'll give you an example. Do you own a
weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I
think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says.'Because you have a yard, I
think logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might
logically have a family.'

'Yes, I have a family.'

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then
logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then
logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to
find out all of that just because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Jimbo shakes the Dean's hand
and leaves to go meet Bubba at the bar. He tells Bubba about his
classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Bubba says,'What's that?'

Jimbo says,'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.'
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#20 Mar 17, 2011
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.
I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#21 Mar 17, 2011
One day a woman and her husband got into a car accident. The womans face was badly burned, and she needed a skin draft.

Since she was so skinny there wasn't enough skin on the rest of her body.

Her husband volunteered to draft some of his own skin but the only useable skin they could find was from his butt. They discussed it and agreed not to tell anyone.

After the surgery everyone went on and on about how beautiful she was and how she was moe beautiful now than ever before.

One day while talking about it she became overwehelmed, and began to cry.

He said think nothing of it dear.

I get all the thanks I'll ever need everytime I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
Keyboard Hillbilly

United States

#22 Mar 17, 2011
Jeff Gordon announced today that he was laying off his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President
Obama's planned program to employ underprivileged and "hardcore" Mexican and African/American youth in order to give them a more lucrative outlook for a future.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youth from around the country were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment; whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits.

However, Gordon got more than he bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Ernhart Jr. for
10 cases of Colt "45".

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