I'm bored! Tell me a joke!

I'm bored! Tell me a joke!

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Since: Jan 12

Location hidden

#1 May 7, 2013
Bob walked into a sports bar around
9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.

Since: Jan 12

Location hidden

#2 May 7, 2013
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked,'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied,'Probably golfing with his buddies.’



It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

Since: Jan 12

Location hidden

#3 May 8, 2013
FROM MY CLASSMATE, STEVE CROCKER...
The Chicago Bears coach had put together the perfect team. The only thing missing was a great quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl victory. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war report from the the West Bank. In the background, he spotted... a young soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!
He threw another grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" the Bears coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So he invites the young man to training camp and teaches him football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl. After the game, the young quarterback calls his mother to tell her all about it.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," she says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand," he pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts.
"At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get molested!"

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
Lomaxx

Houston, TX

#4 May 8, 2013
Church Ladies With Typewriters




They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------


Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
----------

The sermon this morning:'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
Lomaxx

Houston, TX

#5 May 8, 2013
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not."—Albert Einstein

OK, OK... My last computer died and I lost all my good jokes!
Lomaxx

Houston, TX

#6 May 8, 2013
"Why does a woman work ten years to change a man, then complain he's not the man she married?"—Barbara Streisand

"Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right and the other is the husband."—Unknown

"When I married Ms. Right, I didn't realize her first name was 'Always.'"—Unknown

"Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit."—Billy Connolly
Texan

Wichita, KS

#7 May 8, 2013
Life is a b---h, and then you marry one. When you get married you say I do, later you say well I used to. Why does a woman marry a man then try to change him? Wouldn't it be easier to just pick the one you want?

Since: Jan 12

Location hidden

#8 May 18, 2013
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local
golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if
I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the
game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one ofthe friends asked the newcomer, "What do you
do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a
look? I think I might be able to see my house fromhere." So he picked up the
rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic.
I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom... Ha
Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that"s my neighbor in there with
her......He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach
him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a
fewminutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a Grand
Gringo

Houston, TX

#9 May 18, 2013
Saltwater Cat wrote:
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local
golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if
I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the
game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one ofthe friends asked the newcomer, "What do you
do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a
look? I think I might be able to see my house fromhere." So he picked up the
rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic.
I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom... Ha
Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that"s my neighbor in there with
her......He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach
him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a
fewminutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a Grand
Good one...

“I call it as I see it.”

Since: Jul 09

Retirement City

#10 May 5, 2016
In a monastery in Wyoming, everyday before breakfast the Superior would chant "Good Morning, Good Morning" and the Brothers would all chant back "Good Morning, Good Morning."



There was only one problem with this morning chant, one Brother thought it was the stupidest thing in the world. He really hated it. One morning he decided that he would get them all back and hopefully stop this stupidity.



That morning he went to breakfast and the Superior came in and chanted "Good Morning, Good Morning" and all the Brothers except the one chanted, "Good Morning,..." At this the one Brother chanted as loud as he could, "Good Evening." Upon hearing this the Superior stood up and chanted "Someone Chanted Evening!"
red dawn

Highlands, TX

#12 May 5, 2016
ever have a HILLARY 10 piece fried chicken dinner ???
it has two tiny breasts
two big fat greasy thighs
and six left wings.
red dawn

Highlands, TX

#13 May 5, 2016
just on the news
HILLARY has had a bad crash on her flight
she was not injured
but her broom was destroyed
josh

Arlington, TX

#14 May 6, 2016
A man goes to a psychiatrist to discuss his brother's case. He tells the doctor! "My brother is a sick man, he thinks he is a chicken." The doctor replies, "You should turn him in.": The man says back, "I would but we need the eggs."
josh

Arlington, TX

#15 May 6, 2016
A man makes it to work late and his boss yells at him. "You should have been here at eight!"
The man answers, "What happened at eight?"
josh

United States

#16 May 6, 2016
Three men were stranded on deserted island and found a genie lantern. The genie granted each one a wish. The first one wished to go home and the wish was granted. Then the same for second one. But the third one was lonely for his two friends and wished they were back on the island and his wish was granted.
fubar

Garden Grove, CA

#17 May 7, 2016
Heavy Fed!
Elaine

Houston, TX

#18 Jul 18, 2016
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

CHEESEBURGER:$1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH:$2.50 HAND JOB:$10.00

He walks up to the bar and calls over one of the hot chicks that are serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes" she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, then go wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."
Lomaxx

Houston, TX

#19 Jul 20, 2016
My wife told me I was a lousy lover...I asked her how she come up with that OPINION in a minute and a half!
red dawn

Highlands, TX

#20 Jul 20, 2016
they are making a new air force one plane for HILLARY
it is a broom with bicycle handle on it
Defiant1

Deer Park, TX

#21 Jul 21, 2016
red dawn wrote:
they are making a new air force one plane for HILLARY
it is a broom with bicycle handle on it
Yeah and it comes with its own private email server. Nothing but the best for the Queen of Benghazi.

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