I'm bored! Tell me a joke!

Posted in the La Porte Forum

Since: Jan 12

Location hidden

#1 May 7, 2013
Bob walked into a sports bar around
9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.

Since: Jan 12

Location hidden

#2 May 7, 2013
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked,'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied,'Probably golfing with his buddies.’



It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

Since: Jan 12

Location hidden

#3 May 8, 2013
FROM MY CLASSMATE, STEVE CROCKER...
The Chicago Bears coach had put together the perfect team. The only thing missing was a great quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl victory. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war report from the the West Bank. In the background, he spotted... a young soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!
He threw another grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" the Bears coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So he invites the young man to training camp and teaches him football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl. After the game, the young quarterback calls his mother to tell her all about it.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," she says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand," he pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts.
"At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get molested!"

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
Lomaxx

Houston, TX

#4 May 8, 2013
Church Ladies With Typewriters




They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------


Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
----------

The sermon this morning:'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
Lomaxx

Houston, TX

#5 May 8, 2013
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not."—Albert Einstein

OK, OK... My last computer died and I lost all my good jokes!
Lomaxx

Houston, TX

#6 May 8, 2013
"Why does a woman work ten years to change a man, then complain he's not the man she married?"—Barbara Streisand

"Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right and the other is the husband."—Unknown

"When I married Ms. Right, I didn't realize her first name was 'Always.'"—Unknown

"Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit."—Billy Connolly
Texan

Falls Church, VA

#7 May 8, 2013
Life is a b---h, and then you marry one. When you get married you say I do, later you say well I used to. Why does a woman marry a man then try to change him? Wouldn't it be easier to just pick the one you want?

Since: Jan 12

Location hidden

#8 May 18, 2013
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local
golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if
I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the
game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one ofthe friends asked the newcomer, "What do you
do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a
look? I think I might be able to see my house fromhere." So he picked up the
rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic.
I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom... Ha
Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that"s my neighbor in there with
her......He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach
him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a
fewminutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a Grand
Gringo

Houston, TX

#9 May 18, 2013
Saltwater Cat wrote:
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local
golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if
I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the
game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one ofthe friends asked the newcomer, "What do you
do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a
look? I think I might be able to see my house fromhere." So he picked up the
rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic.
I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom... Ha
Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that"s my neighbor in there with
her......He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach
him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a
fewminutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a Grand
Good one...

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