Posted in the La Porte Forum
Since: Jan 12
#1 Sep 16, 2013
1. My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
2. It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
3. Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
4. A girl phoned me and said,'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
5. A hooker once told me she had a headache.
6. I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
7. If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
8. I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said,'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said,'No, I hate myself now.'
9. I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
10. I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
11. My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
12. I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
13. The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him,'Why?'
14. He said,'Because you came home early.'
15. My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
16. I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
17. My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
18. My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.
19. My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
#2 Sep 16, 2013
Rodney Dangerfield was always crazy and funny.
MY FAVORITE comedian !
(I've just now caught my breath to type this!)
Thanks for sharing Saltwater!
#3 Sep 16, 2013
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
#4 Sep 17, 2013
#5 Sep 19, 2013
A man goes to a public golf course.
He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."
The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course.
We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do
The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir.Use your 3-wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled
out his 3-wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.
The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."
The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left." Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine.
He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there.
His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?"
The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18
holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."
"COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible!"
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was
blinding to other golfers on the fair way."
The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"
The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Three of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, one
married a Swedish girl and called himself Tiger, and the other thinks he's the President."
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