Share some Good Clean Jokes

Share some Good Clean Jokes

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“It's quiet, can you hear it?”

Since: Oct 07

Whassup,USA

#1 Jan 16, 2010
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully ...”We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully
bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.

"The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs.
The bartender says,
"You are now.,,,,,,,,,That was a barbitchyouate."

“It's quiet, can you hear it?”

Since: Oct 07

Whassup,USA

#2 Jan 16, 2010
Little Boy With Cussing Problem.
A lady had a 6 year old son who had developed a bad cussing habit. He couldn't say anything without using foul language. The lady had tried everything to make him stop but nothing had worked. In desperation she went to see a high priced psychiatrist. He told her that she had apparently failed to impress upon her son just how offensive his cussing was. The psychiatrist said that the next time her son uttered a cuss word she should grab a belt and whip the tar out of him, I mean really lay into him until she was out of breath. The next morning as her son was coming down the stairs, she asked him what he wanted for breakfast. He said 'I reckon I'll have some damn cheerios'. That was it. His Mother grabbed a belt and lit into him. I mean whipped him until she was out of breath. When she finally stopped, she stood above him and again asked him what he wanted for breakfast. With tear filled eyes he said 'Well, I sure as hell don't want none of them damn cheerios'.

“It's quiet, can you hear it?”

Since: Oct 07

Whassup,USA

#3 Jan 17, 2010
Jim left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, the old geezer was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him,“How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” He replied,“That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

“It's quiet, can you hear it?”

Since: Oct 07

Whassup,USA

#5 Jan 18, 2010
Confused!
I became very confused when I heard
the word "service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
United States Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City, State & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had bought a new bull to 'service' his cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

“It's quiet, can you hear it?”

Since: Oct 07

Whassup,USA

#7 Jan 22, 2010
Mujibar's Immigration Test

Yellow, Pink, and Green

Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through Immigration.

The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is
one more test. Unless you pass it, you cannot enter the United States of
America "

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
"Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and
say,

'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at a AT&T help
desk.

I talked to him yesterday.

“It's quiet, can you hear it?”

Since: Oct 07

Whassup,USA

#8 Jan 23, 2010
Subject: The economy is so bad that..........
The economy is so bad that ....
1. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
2. I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
3. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
4. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
5. Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
6. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ounce-er.
7. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
8. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking intoMexico .
9. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
10. Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
11. The Mafia is laying off judges.
12. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
13. Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoffscandal. Oh, Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $13 Trillion disappear!
And,finally...
14. I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
We must never allow the medical community to govern us, directly or indirectly.
You are as good as the best thing you have ever done.

“It's quiet, can you hear it?”

Since: Oct 07

Whassup,USA

#9 Jan 27, 2010
Hillbilly family went to a mall for the first time, maw caught on pretty quick and was shopping but Pa and Junior was amazed at everything. They seen a silver wall that opened and closed and lighted numbers appeared above the door. Junior asked Pa what is that and Pa says I don't know. They continued to watch it as an ugly old woman pushed the button and went inside the wall. The numbers increased and then started to decrease the doors opened and out came a good looking young woman. Pa told Junior, Go get your Momma.
positronium

Durhamville, NY

#10 Jan 28, 2010
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
...and how was your day?

“It's quiet, can you hear it?”

Since: Oct 07

Whassup,USA

#11 Jan 29, 2010
The Coon Monkey.
I met this feller from Georgia who had said he had a monkey trained fer coon huntin.
So naturally, I wuz curious being that I likes to coon hunt and made a deal wif him to go huntin wif his monkey and I wud bring my prize coon dog.

Wernt long before my dog treed a coon and it came time fer his monkey to show his stuff.

He gave his monkey a 45 and that monkey went up that tree lickety split looking fer that coon.

We wuz shining our lights on the tree and that monkey went up to the top and down every branch lookin fer that Coon and came back down to the bottom and walked up to my dog and shot him in the haid!

That boy looked me in the eye and said;

'If there is one thing that coon monkey cant stand, its a lying coon dog!'

“It's quiet, can you hear it?”

Since: Oct 07

Whassup,USA

#12 Feb 11, 2010
An old woman had a shoe box in the closet that held two crochet dolls. Her husband asked her what they were for - she explained that when she married him over 60 yrs ago, her mother told her the key to a happy marriage was whenever you are angry with your husband, crochet a doll instead of arguing with your spouse. He picked up the two crochet dolls in awe thinking to himself, in over 60 yrs, she was only mad at me twice. Much to his suprise, underneath the dolls sat $95,000 in cash. He asked his wife where the money came from and she replied........... from the crochet dolls I sold.

“It's quiet, can you hear it?”

Since: Oct 07

Whassup,USA

#13 Mar 18, 2010
Subject: TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
> An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report
> that her car
> has been broken into.
> She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the
> dispatcher.
> 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
> brake pedal and even
> the accelerator!' she cried..
> The dispatcher said,'Stay calm. An officer is on the
> way.'A few minutes
> later, the officer radios in.
> 'Disregard.' He says..'She got in the back-seat
> by mistake.'

“It's quiet, can you hear it?”

Since: Oct 07

Whassup,USA

#14 Mar 24, 2010
CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

“It's quiet, can you hear it?”

Since: Oct 07

Whassup,USA

#15 Mar 25, 2010
RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

“Positively Riveting”

Since: Jan 08

We can do it better

#16 Mar 26, 2010
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and
only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man.
As he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,
'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies,'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
We'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.

“It's quiet, can you hear it?”

Since: Oct 07

Whassup,USA

#17 Mar 26, 2010
I've heard that one before, as a matter of fact, the last time I heard that one I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur and broke my wooden underwear. LOL
positronium

Pine Island, NY

#18 Mar 28, 2010
the one about too many roosters in the hen house?

“It's quiet, can you hear it?”

Since: Oct 07

Whassup,USA

#19 Mar 28, 2010
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"

“It's quiet, can you hear it?”

Since: Oct 07

Whassup,USA

#20 Apr 8, 2010
On his 74th birthday, A man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby Indian reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a firm grip on the man's shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the potion from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, He took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

“Positively Riveting”

Since: Jan 08

We can do it better

#21 Apr 11, 2010
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram,
and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.
On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's
office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four
gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto
industry since the electric starter.
Hennry was curious and invited them into his
office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking
lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was
about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car
off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back
to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for
$2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label,'The
Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was
installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little
anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's
name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours
and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would
be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show
-- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

“It's quiet, can you hear it?”

Since: Oct 07

Whassup,USA

#22 Apr 14, 2010
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

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