Jokes

[Joe]

Lets hear some funny jokes

[Joe]

nobody knows any good jokes

[Razorback Jack]

A Scotsman was attending a convention in New York City and of course wore his kilt. As most Scottish men do, he got very drunk and while walking back to his hotel through Central Park, he felt ill and sat down under a tree where he inevitably fell asleep.

Two ladies happened by and saw him there, and giggled at the thought of whether he was wearing anything under the kilt. So finally, they decided to take a look and was pleased to find he was not wearing anything but the kilt.

Being the pranksters, one of the ladies decided it would be funny to take the blue ribbon from her hair and tie it around his gonads to mark their conquest.

When the hungover Scotsman awoke he looked around to find no one nearby and decided to relieve himself behind the tree. In doing so, he found the momento left by the women and said,

"Well, Wee Willy, I don't 'ave a cluuue where we went last night, but it appeeears we won first prize!"

[guest]

how many democrats does it take to change a light bulb ?......none thry would rather stay in the dark

[Razorback Jack]

guest wrote:

how many democrats does it take to change a light bulb ?......none thry would rather stay in the dark

How many Republicans does it take to run for President?

Only one not cheating on his wife ... therein lies the joke.

[guest]

in four years you will be begging for anything other than what you have in the whitehouse now rep, dem ,lib, dog ,question is will you be man enough to admit that all of obamas ideas only hurt the country more or will you have more liberal excuses and try to blame it on bush also

[Razorback Jack]

guest wrote:

in four years you will be begging for anything other than what you have in the whitehouse now rep, dem ,lib, dog ,question is will you be man enough to admit that all of obamas ideas only hurt the country more or will you have more liberal excuses and try to blame it on bush also

If in 4 years I dont feel like Obama has done right by this country, whether it be bad ideas or poor leadership, I will be open minded about replcing him.
However, I will give him the 4 years to make his case. I refuse to bitch about it nor defend him until he has had enough time to play out his agenda.

Did I bitch about Bush? Yes I did, and still do. But I gave him the first 4 years to convince me. The day he was announced the winner of a second term I simply turned to my wife and said "This country deserves whatever they get for re-electeing him". I was wrong, we didn't deserve this.

I have to take issue with the same old argument from the GOP diehards like you want to rehash. Ever since day 1 I've heard how this country is going down under Obamas leadership. You are the same people who said GM was a waste of time and money to try and save. Yesterday a Judge found that GMs plan for recovery was sound and allowed them to move forward.

Translated, General Motors is on their way back to prosperity. It worked.

The Stock Markets are back to having good days, and bad days. The difference is, a bad day is a 200 point drop rather that back in Febuary, a good day was dropping less than 800 points.

Cry me a river about Obama, but you cannot convince me that he is "ruining" America.

[that guy]

mishleen ross. thats pretty damn humorous joke

[Just a person]

thanks Razorback Jack that was a great response. I unfortunately just want guest to crawl back in the loser's hole. His ideals were voted down and he just doesn't like being irrelevant like the Republican party. The best they have is Sarah Palin?

[Razorback Jack]

The joke about Mishleen Ross is how well he plays that role. I have been on many message board forums and that whole routine is one of the most classic schticks I have ever seen.

The guy is talking to himself (as a crazy woman character) thru an imaginary 3rd party who was created through subliminal messages found in pop-up ads.

My hat is off to this clown, he pulls this off and has the board dancing to his tune.

Like I said, CLASSIC!

[Linda]

Hell, you can't even tell jokes without it turning into a political brawl??? We got ONE joke out of it??? Really, guys, really?

[Razorback Jack]

Linda wrote:

Hell, you can't even tell jokes without it turning into a political brawl??? We got ONE joke out of it??? Really, guys, really?

Sorry, I realized I had been baited after I posted. It's that Port Lucie character, chases me around the whole forum.

It wont happen again.

[that guy]

Razorback Jack wrote:

The joke about Mishleen Ross is how well he plays that role. I have been on many message board forums and that whole routine is one of the most classic schticks I have ever seen.
The guy is talking to himself (as a crazy woman character) thru an imaginary 3rd party who was created through subliminal messages found in pop-up ads.
My hat is off to this clown, he pulls this off and has the board dancing to his tune.
Like I said, CLASSIC!

rofl, wth are you talking about??

[isaysobeit]

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $10.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that’s when the fight started.

----------

On their wedding night, the young bride Approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first sexual encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had “charged” him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 Million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,“If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!”

And that’s when she shot him.

[isaysobeit]

a new, young MD was doing his residency. He was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover the embarrassment, he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from my work and sheepishly said,‘I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’

She replied,‘No, Doctor, but the song you were whistling was,‘I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner”.

[Cherry Blossom]

that was funny...lol...i love to laugh...and i totaly need that...

[Razorback Jack]

Urban Dictionary:

Smoreplay:{verb}; What smurfs do before they smuck.

[cookseyneedshelp]

How do you know Michael Jackson is dead?

When your kid wakes up and tells you he's been touched by an angel.

[Ball Babe]

A husband and wife were talking about mixed emotions one day. The hubby says, it's impossible to feel two emotions at one time. The wife says she believes it is possible and it's even happened to her. The hubby says okay then, tell me something that will make me happy and mad at the same time. The wife says, you have the biggest dick of all your friends.

[An_American]

Ok, now lets start with the funny ones!!