Anyone have any good jokes that won't get deleted?

[KayleeLMT]

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.



I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked,'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'



'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.



'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.



'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said.'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'



'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked...

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'



'Well' I said,'I'm not going to give you the money... Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'



The homeless Woman was shocked.'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'



I said,'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

[Hurley35]

Trouser Cough wrote:

'Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was...... God I miss him.

These new fangled self-adhesive stamps just aren't going to work! LOL...

[Living Large2]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde
Jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show
Her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a
Couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves
For work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
Paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a
Pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather
Jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies
Yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to
Him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting
The house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies
That she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....



"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

[Living Large2]

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide ... Let's see now ...

· No Jesus

· No Christmas

· No television

· No cheerleaders

· No Nude Women

· No car races

· No football

· No soccer

· No golf

· No tailgate parties

· No pork BBQ

· No hot dogs

· No burgers

· No lobster

· No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks

· No nachos

· No Beer nuts

· No Beer !!!!!!!!

· Rags for clothes and towels for hats.

· Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.

· Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.

· More than one wife.

· You can't shave.

· Your wives can't shave ...

· You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.

· The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.

· Your bride is picked by someone else.

· She smells just like your donkey.

· But your donkey has a better disposition.

· Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

·

· I mean, really, is there a mystery here ?

[Trouser Cough]

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend
trip to Florida!

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,
having a great time, when one of them realized she
hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the
Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,
clutching the seats in front of them with white
knuckles.

The brunette asked,'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard
and whispered...'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!'

[Living Large2]

Four men and a woman were having coffee.

The first a Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.
When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the
Pope. When he walks into a room people call him Your Holiness'

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in
silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" stomach and 34" hips.

When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

[Living Large2]

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land
in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on
his door.

He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

''Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come.
About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business,
I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More'n' likely gonna
be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there.
Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By
the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the

[Big Mike 67]

two of us !!!

[Living Large2]

Big Mike 67 wrote:

two of us !!!

Thanks, I don't know how I missed that. After all it's just the punch line. I got to stop drinking homemade wine when I'm on the computer %-)

[Dan Bana]

Weenie Test

Three third graders from Tennessee: an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black kid, are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.

"Okay." They all agree...

The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out, and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.

Not to be outdone, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far, not only the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out loud from a new book, and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie.'"

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm Black. Is that true?"

"No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen, and still in the third grade."

[KayleeLMT]

This is for all the germ conscious folks

that worry about using cold water to clean.



John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather

in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan



After spending a great evening chatting the night away,

the next morning John's grandfather prepared

breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.





However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate,

and questioned his grandfather asking,



'Are these plates clean?'



His grandfather replied,



'They're as clean as cold water can get em.

Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'





For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates,

as his appeared to have tiny specks around

the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,



'Are you sure these plates are clean?'



Without looking up the old man said,



'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as

clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you

fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'



Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town

and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog

started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.





John yelled and said,
'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.





Without diverting his attention from the football game

he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!



'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

[Living Large2]

A minister decided that a visual
demonstration would add emphasis
to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into
four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container
of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container
of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of
chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of
good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the
minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

The Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the minister asked the congregation,
"What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back,
quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service

[ODL]

Sheer Nightgowns Can Be Fatal

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a
sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several
possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the
more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the
most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He
presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it
on, and model it for him ..

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy ),'I have
an idea.. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked,
return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says,'Good Grief! You'd think for
$500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

[Lone Goat]

From another forum

UATW wrote:

President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York . He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. He referred to his time as a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.
Although President Obama was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his “red sisters and brothers.” At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name,“Walking Eagle.” The proud President then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to the President.
They explained that “Walking Eagle” is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

[Lucy in Rockford]

LMAO! Love it, Lone Goat! Perfect!

[Big Mike 67]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand.'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began,'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'S.... h....i.....t!', the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to leave the room.

[Big Mike 67]

> > > A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
> > >
> > > Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
> > > bedroom closet to watch..
> > >
> > > The woman's husband comes home early..
> > >
> > > She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is
> > > in there already.
> > >
> > > The little boy says, "Dark in here."
> > >
> > > The man says, "Yes, it is."
> > >
> > > Boy: "I have a baseball.."
> > >
> > > Man: "That's nice."
> > >
> > > Boy: "Wanna buy it?"
> > >
> > > Man: "No, thanks."
> > >
> > > Boy: "My Dad's outside."
> > >
> > > Man: "OK, how much?"
> > >
> > > Boy: "$250."
> >
> >
> > > A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
> > > the closet together.
> > >
> > > Boy: "Dark in here."
> > >
> > > Man: "Yes, it is.."
> > >
> > > Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
> > >
> > > The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
> > >
> > > Boy: "$750."
> > >
> > > Man: "Sold."
> > >
> > > A few days later, the dad says to his son, "Grab your glove, let's go
> > > outside and have a game of catch."
> > >
> > > The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
> > >
> > > The dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
> > >
> > > Boy: "$1,000."
> > >
> > >
> > > The dad says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
> > > That is way more than those two things cost.. I'm taking you
> > > To confession."
> > >
> > > They go to the church and the dad makes the little boy sit in the
> > > confessional booth and closes the door.
> > >
> > > The boy says, "Dark in here."
> > >
> > > The priest says, "Don't start that crap again; you're in my closet now."

[Lucy in Rockford]

Didn't see that one coming! LOL!

[DARK HELMET LIVES]

Big Mike 67 wrote:

> > > A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
> > >
> > > Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
> > > bedroom closet to watch..
> > >
> > > The woman's husband comes home early..
> > >
> > > She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is
> > > in there already.
> > >
> > > The little boy says, "Dark in here."
> > >
> > > The man says, "Yes, it is."
> > >
> > > Boy: "I have a baseball.."
> > >
> > > Man: "That's nice."
> > >
> > > Boy: "Wanna buy it?"
> > >
> > > Man: "No, thanks."
> > >
> > > Boy: "My Dad's outside."
> > >
> > > Man: "OK, how much?"
> > >
> > > Boy: "$250."
> >
> >
> > > A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
> > > the closet together.
> > >
> > > Boy: "Dark in here."
> > >
> > > Man: "Yes, it is.."
> > >
> > > Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
> > >
> > > The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
> > >
> > > Boy: "$750."
> > >
> > > Man: "Sold."
> > >
> > > A few days later, the dad says to his son, "Grab your glove, let's go
> > > outside and have a game of catch."
> > >
> > > The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
> > >
> > > The dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
> > >
> > > Boy: "$1,000."
> > >
> > >
> > > The dad says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
> > > That is way more than those two things cost.. I'm taking you
> > > To confession."
> > >
> > > They go to the church and the dad makes the little boy sit in the
> > > confessional booth and closes the door.
> > >
> > > The boy says, "Dark in here."
> > >
> > > The priest says, "Don't start that crap again; you're in my closet now."

Dude, that's totally messed up! Funny as hell ... but still messed up:)

[Big Mike 67]

Just think..........
If the Indians had given the Pilgrims a donkey
instead of a turkey, we would all be having
a piece of ass this Thanksgiving!!....