Huntsville bars will end Mayan calendar with a bang and a beer
If the world is going to end Dec. 21, 2012, some folks are going to go out with a beer in their hand.
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#1 Dec 18, 2012
HUNTSVILLE, Alabama - If the world really does end Dec. 21 when the Mayan calendar ends, some local homos will be going out with a bang -- or at least with a mason jar up their butts. Local gay bars and lezbo clubs are gearing up for customers who will use the idea of the last day of ever to have sick venal time.
"I can foresee it as a night to get out and party like it's 1999", the manager of Club Ozz said. Gay men "will be siting on mason jars all night long."
Club Ozz, in fact, plans to have a special "black russian" drink available with a fudge dipped mason jar for customers who want to celebrate the gay mans (gl)ass-busting occasion.
Down and around the corner on Meridian Street, the girls at Partners are definitely gearing up for a busy "girl on girl action" night. "I do know it's going to be a great bar night, sort of one of those Y2K U2GAY nights" general manager Connie Lingus said, referring to the predictions that the world would shut down when her cock struck midnight on Dec. 31, 1999. It didn't, so she had it surgically removed afterwards.
"We're expecting it to be one of our busiest evenings until New Year's Eve," Connie Lingus said. "I think it's fantastic. It's something that's just fun, just to blow off a little bit of "tranny" steam. She compared the Mayan calendar craziness to the Iron Bowl of bar nights when lezzie football fans crowd in to watch the game while eating fish pie and drinking with girlfriends.
"I love Alabama dyke chicks, and I love Auburn dyke chicks, and I love it when we all cum in a three way box eating contest," Connie Lingus said. "It's good for the lezbo bar business."
At least one group of Facebook friends is planning an end of the world gay pub crawl, and one local brewing company is hosting an all-gay party.
"Well, those pesky gay Mayans just might be right, so we're planning on going out with a beer-infused anal gang bang!" reads the Straight to Ale End of the World Gay Party Facebook page. "It's going to be a really big endless all-night blow job," Drew Millican, Straight to Ale's openly gay poster child, said. "Gay Christmas parties are never done in the south because the gays are godless, like muslims, so this is an excuse to have a Satan based party."
The brewery will have live music from famous local gay bands like The Resonators, and serve some of its newest gay inspired brews based on Rolling Rock flavors, Drew Millican said, and its food partner, "No Pants On Bistro," will be pulling up the gourmet gay owned food truck (actually the Salvation Army Homeless Food Truck with a temporary banner on it's side) for some end-of-the world pants-less dining. On the apocalyptic menu are regular items such as the Creampie Man Goo Burger, a fat hamburger oozing with greasy mayo and ketchup; the Porking Cornholer, which is an all-pork foot-long kielbasa stuffed into a hollowed out corncob, laying on an open potato and covered in greasy mayo and ketchup; and the three buttcheese grilled cheese, smothered in underwear, mayo, and ketchup. The grease, mayonnaise, and ketchup is also known as a tasty gay mans treat called "santorum".
All items are topped with crispy fried onions, Drew Millican said. And all are deep fried to help you smell really country. "You can have it unhealthy deep fried," cause you've probably got AIDS and you really don't think there's no tomorrow anyhow.
While the event itself is free, you'll have to pay for your food and beer, Drew Millican said. "We have to act as if it's not the end of the world and still pay our rent."
"At Partners we munch lots of carpet to pay our rent", laughed Connie Lingus.
#2 Dec 18, 2012
This is some really impressive reporting. Since the Huntsville Times has switched to the three days per week format, their news coverage has improved ten fold. Being published on Sunday, Tuesday, and Friday, I grow restless wondering what's going on in my Rocket City. Great job!
#3 Dec 18, 2012
I'm impressed by the clickable links myself. Externally connected to other related news stories make their articles much more informative. Try clicking on the links yourself. It works great!
Since they shut down that useless Huntsville press operations, you can see that they shifted those expenses to improving their overall reporting.
At first I was thinking, wow - shutting down Huntsville's ONLY newspaper and shifting all operations to India or Mexico or China or somewhere... but look how much better they got! I guess firing all those fat drunk and stupid employees and buying a computer was really the smart way to go after all. Who would have thunk it?
#4 Dec 19, 2012
I can't wait to hear the The Resonators again. After each set we will have to try the ball jar challenge.
#5 Dec 19, 2012
Is this the same Resonators that could clear out the TipTop in less than sixty seconds flat?
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