Does a child deserve to know who their biological father is - no matter what?

Created by furrealz on Apr 11, 2011

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opinion

Fayetteville, WV

#1 Apr 11, 2011
In my opinion, yes. I know a young man who found out the truth in his 20's and it completely devastated him. It changed his whole outlook on life and he has made a lot of mistakes since then. I'm sure there are different circumstances, but in this case it was'nt smart.
think so

Oak Hill, WV

#2 Apr 11, 2011
opinion wrote:
In my opinion, yes. I know a young man who found out the truth in his 20's and it completely devastated him. It changed his whole outlook on life and he has made a lot of mistakes since then. I'm sure there are different circumstances, but in this case it was'nt smart.
I think the age at which they are told should be 10 or older if they didn't know from day one they were adopted or whatever. If you don't tell them someone else will. But it really should come from the parent or one that's raised them.
But if the biological dad is actually grandpa or other relative, tell them you were raped by a stranger at the mall & the police never found the rapist.
my situation

United States

#3 Apr 11, 2011
I am in my mid twenties, and I do not know who my biological father is. My mother refuses to discuss the issue at all. It has troubled me my entire life. I still feel embarrassed when someone asks me who my father is, and I cannot answer them! Now, my own children will be unable to draw a complete family tree in class like the other kids. If there are any selfish mothers reading this, then get over yourself.

Since: Apr 11

Hinton, WV

#4 Apr 15, 2011
There is a family secret..my son does not know his father is not his real father. He is 14 and I think it's time to tell the truth. His father does not want to tell him and we both swore that we'd go to our grave with the secret. Now, I want to come clean but his "dad" feels like he will be devastated. I feel like it's a matter of time and he will find out...all the kid has to do is find out all the blood types and he'll know the truth! Another issue is, the man I cheated with has a few other kids and my son has half-siblings ...it's not fair to him that he could be developing a relationship with these other half-siblings. How do I convice the "father" that we need to come clean? I'm horribly embarrassed but feel I need to stop all these lies and tell the truth is the truth. My child has a right to know..or maybe he'd be better off not knowing. I just know I would want to know the truth!!
interested

Danville, WV

#5 Apr 15, 2011
My cousin did not know until he was 20 years old that his adoptive parents were not his bilolgical parents. Some blabbermouth told him in anger. He hunted everywhere to find out who his real father and mother was. No one would tell him even though there were ones that knew. His adoptive parents would never admit to him that they were not his bilological parents. He could never get over the fact that he didn't know where he came from. He shot and killed himself on Mother's day. I believe it is wrong not to tell a child who he or she really is. Finding out from someone else is a diaster.
say

Oak Hill, WV

#6 Apr 15, 2011
furrealz wrote:
There is a family secret..my son does not know his father is not his real father. He is 14 and I think it's time to tell the truth. His father does not want to tell him and we both swore that we'd go to our grave with the secret. Now, I want to come clean but his "dad" feels like he will be devastated. I feel like it's a matter of time and he will find out...all the kid has to do is find out all the blood types and he'll know the truth! Another issue is, the man I cheated with has a few other kids and my son has half-siblings ...it's not fair to him that he could be developing a relationship with these other half-siblings. How do I convice the "father" that we need to come clean? I'm horribly embarrassed but feel I need to stop all these lies and tell the truth is the truth. My child has a right to know..or maybe he'd be better off not knowing. I just know I would want to know the truth!!
Tell your husband that you feel you need to be honest with your son. Give your husband a week deadline that he tells him or you will. Then tell the child. Your husband will just have to deal with it. No man should ever be more important to you than your son so the only thing that matters is what is in his best interest.
hard decision

Marlinton, WV

#7 Apr 15, 2011
It is very admirable that this man is raising this boy as his own..though he was conceived out-side of a relationship..but, this child and all children have the right to know the truth...I know of a similar situation where a girl thinks her father is her real dad and even makes comments like "I look just like you Daddy". She's even made comments like "why is Daddy's name not on my birth certificate?"....Lord, just tell the truth and get all the deceit and lies out in the open NOW... before it comes out by some other individual.
truth

Marlinton, WV

#8 Apr 15, 2011
The truth shall set you free....
My Thought

United States

#9 Apr 15, 2011
I would think that it would be less shocking to a child to know from as early an age as possible who the real father was (unless there was incest) and that there are biological fathers and fathers of the heart.
Country gal

Beckley, WV

#10 Apr 15, 2011
The younger the better. That way they can't hold it against you forever
unsure

Bronx, NY

#11 Apr 15, 2011
I found out my dad might not be my real dad at the age of 13 by my uncle who was drunk and I freaked and my mom said she broke up with my dad to go date another one and I was one of theirs but she didn't want to do DNA but now they want too and im 22 now and I just figure not to do it cuz my dad that raised me from birth has always been there and it would break his heart if im not his. Am I wrong for not doing the DNA and finding the truth?
heavy heart

Marlinton, WV

#12 Apr 15, 2011
Oh sweetheart...I think it's completely up to you...but at least you have A CHOICE....the girl I know is completely oblivious ....and now she is a teenager and SHOULD know the truth..if she decides not to pursue it, at least it's her CHOICE! I feel like it should be up to you/her as to whether to find out who your biological father really is. Health-wise, there may be something you need to know. I'm confident your father will be fine as long as he knows how much you love him..no matter what!!! You will get through this...and their love for you and your love for them will NEVER change. Has there ever been a time that you wanted to know? Do you think you should have been told when you were younger? Do you want to know now?
unsure

Brooklyn, NY

#13 Apr 15, 2011
heavy heart wrote:
Oh sweetheart...I think it's completely up to you...but at least you have A CHOICE....the girl I know is completely oblivious ....and now she is a teenager and SHOULD know the truth..if she decides not to pursue it, at least it's her CHOICE! I feel like it should be up to you/her as to whether to find out who your biological father really is. Health-wise, there may be something you need to know. I'm confident your father will be fine as long as he knows how much you love him..no matter what!!! You will get through this...and their love for you and your love for them will NEVER change. Has there ever been a time that you wanted to know? Do you think you should have been told when you were younger? Do you want to know now?
I don't wanna know cuz he's my dad more than the drug head that could be he was there when I was born and ever since then but my mom wants to know but I don't want to break his heart so he's my daddy anyways even if not by blood but by action
knows what is going on

Ghent, WV

#14 Apr 16, 2011
unsure wrote:
<quoted text>
I don't wanna know cuz he's my dad more than the drug head that could be he was there when I was born and ever since then but my mom wants to know but I don't want to break his heart so he's my daddy anyways even if not by blood but by action
I really don't know at what age a child should know who his real parents are-but due to illness and things that are inherited a child should be eventually told.
hater of selfish people

Marlinton, WV

#15 Apr 17, 2011
God forbid there would be some situation where one of these kids needs blood and they find out their "Dad" is not a match...or worse, they need a kidney or bone marrow..devastated they will be.
I love my son

Stafford, VA

#16 Mar 3, 2013
My son is 5 and his bio dad finally is planning on coming to see him but I don't know how to explain to my son who he is without confusing him because I married someone else and my son calls my husband his dad. He is all he ever knew as a dad. How do I tell my son he has 2 dads without causing confusion?

“as you would have others...”

Level 1

Since: Mar 09

United States

#17 Mar 3, 2013
For a 5 yr old. I would tell him he has two dads. And make a point to not let it sound like a bad or troubling thing. Something like asking about who his friends live with, mom and dad, mom, or dad, grandparents.... Then later that day, tell him how lucky he is to have two dads that love him, some kids don't even have one.
It would depend on what he knows about adult relationships and where babies come from as to how much else you told him. My kids know that God made them using half of the good stuff from daddy, and half of my good stuff.
Your husband should be with you when you break the news, to reassure your son he's still his dad, and loves him just the same.
confused

Chicago, IL

#18 Mar 6, 2013
my daughter is 8 months old. I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks after leaving my long term boyfriend and started seeing an old friend from school. when I first found out I was pregnant I felt the baby was from the "fling". things went south, he got abusive and started drinking a lot and doing drugs almost 24/7 so I left him. he told me to get an abortion and he wanted nothing to do with me or my child. when I was about 4 months pregnant I started seeing my former long term boyfriend and we both had many conversations where we questioned the paternity of my child. he decided he wanted to be her father regardless of the dna and he was there for the birth and signed all voluntary acknowledgement of paternity papers. the other man has never asked or tried to see my child. we haven't decided if or when we would ever tell her. I don't know what would be more disappointing, finding out that the man who loves her with all his heart and strives to give her the world is not her biological father or finding out the man she might have came from is a low life piece of scum. the dates are so close she could be either mans child. but she was born with blue eyes when all 3 of us have brown so we cant really tell who she looks like and the man acting as her father doesn't want to hear for sure 100% she is not his. I guess my question is should we wait to do the dna test? maybe their bond will grow even stronger and the dna really wont matter, and maybe the other man will get his life together and we will reconsider inviting him into her life when shes old enough to understand. I don't want my daughter to grow up and hate me but right now there is no way I would want the other man in her life in any way. I guess that's why im waiting to do the test. so there will be no legal document admitting he is in any way connected to her. I guess my way of protecting her. even though he isn't your ideal parent, part of me, a tiny part, feels bad for keeping her away, even though he wanted me to abort her and has never asked to see her. its hard. there is no right or wrong in this. you never know which decision will end up being more damaging. you just have to do what you think is best for your child.
Mister Classy

Oak Hill, WV

#19 Mar 6, 2013
You girls need to stay classy
Toney

Montgomery, WV

#20 Mar 6, 2013
It depends on what the biological father has done and where he is at. Say he was sexually molesting his 1 year old child and was caught at it and was put in prison. If the mother remarried before the time in his or her life of not being able to remember when the two got together. I don't think the need is there to tell that child anything at a young age. If the step father adopts the child as his own at a older age when the parents feel life it is a proper time to tell the child about the step dad not being the real father that they can tell the child that. I still wouldn't want to go into any further details about the biological father if the child does not have any long lasting medical or mental issues about the molestation, which that may or may not be the case. If the child has deep seated mental issues brought on by the molesting at a younger age it should be brought out to the child in a medical setting so the child can hopefully over come the issues and become a productive member of society. What would be the purpose if the child is ok to tell the child about a very destructive individual that is no longer in his life and should never be in his life. The only reason I would tell the child as an older adult person is if it was for the person to protect them self from a man that was hell bent on finding his now grown child.

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