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#1 Sep 28, 2007
Here is a happy forum I am starting. I will place a joke here every day. Please do the same. Let us see if we can keep this thread clean and happy.
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#2 Sep 28, 2007
You might be a redneck if ...
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.

Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
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#3 Sep 28, 2007
The number twelve goes to a bar
A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

"Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman.

"Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.

"You're under 18," replies the barman.
ON Another Note

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#4 Sep 28, 2007
You might be a redneck if ...
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.(Is that a bad mental image or what?)

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
Starlette

Henderson, TX

#5 Sep 28, 2007
A man gets arrested on a public intoxication charge and was taken before the jude. The Judge says " You are here for drinking, What do you have to say". The drunk replys...Lets get started.
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#6 Sep 28, 2007
LOL good one

Since: Sep 07

Stevens Point, WI

#7 Sep 28, 2007
You Might Be A Redneck If -
You got stopped by a state trooper.
He asked you if you had an I.D.
And you said,'Bout What?'

“You reap, What you sow.”

Since: Sep 07

Henderson, Tx (for now)

#8 Sep 28, 2007
OMG I am laughing so hard, my dog is barkin at me!

DCC

Since: Sep 07

Henderson, TX

#9 Sep 28, 2007
Now that was funny...lol

Since: Sep 07

Stevens Point, WI

#10 Sep 28, 2007
Starlette wrote:
OMG I am laughing so hard, my dog is barkin at me!
YOU REGISTERED!!! Fun, huh? I like your picture, what is it of? Mine is a blooming cactus near Snyder Texas!! I need to change it, I have a great Bluebonnet in the snow too!!

"The social injustice and unethical treatment of fireants" That's hysterical. I'm changing my profile all the time. I like to change my quote under my picture. They are 'famous' quotes, but I don't remember who said half of them. LOL

Since: Sep 07

Stevens Point, WI

#11 Sep 28, 2007
DCC wrote:
Now that was funny...lol
You can take the girl out of Texas, but.....blah, blah, blah.

=o) LOL

“You reap, What you sow.”

Since: Sep 07

Henderson, Tx (for now)

#13 Sep 28, 2007
Stacy F wrote:
<quoted text>
YOU REGISTERED!!! Fun, huh? I like your picture, what is it of? Mine is a blooming cactus near Snyder Texas!! I need to change it, I have a great Bluebonnet in the snow too!!
"The social injustice and unethical treatment of fireants" That's hysterical. I'm changing my profile all the time. I like to change my quote under my picture. They are 'famous' quotes, but I don't remember who said half of them. LOL
The pic was taken at Beach City Florida. I like to go in the winter cause it is so quiet there. I figured I would register so Laci could try to figure out who she was gonna punch in the nose.

As far as quotes, I have always believed that it doesn't matter who said it originally, as long as you understand the true meaning of the Author. I have a few good ones I try to live by, and it helps to keep me on the straight and narrow. And if you knew me, you would know that it is not an easy task. LOL

Since: Sep 07

Stevens Point, WI

#14 Sep 28, 2007
Starlette wrote:
<quoted text>The pic was taken at Beach City Florida. I like to go in the winter cause it is so quiet there. I figured I would register so Laci could try to figure out who she was gonna punch in the nose.
As far as quotes, I have always believed that it doesn't matter who said it originally, as long as you understand the true meaning of the Author. I have a few good ones I try to live by, and it helps to keep me on the straight and narrow. And if you knew me, you would know that it is not an easy task. LOL
Oh, you sound like me. I try and be good!! I work hard at it. One of my favorite quotes that I had taped to my old monitor for YEARS was 'Your character is your destiny'. I LOVE THAT!!

You must e-mail me some time, if you have time. My address is in my profile. It's not my 'real' address, it is one we set up when we had our business in Henderson, and I've kept it all these years. Whenever you have to give one for something on line this is the one I use. I wanted to put one in there but realized where it was, it was 'private'. I don't care if people have this address, so I added it to one of the other blanks earlier. LOL

Your picture is great, I love Florida, the girls and I went on a girl's vacation one year to Pensacola; believe it or not, Curt and I love Galveston and our favorite time to go is when all the tourists are gone.

I've got to put these clothes away!! lol ttyl

DCC

Since: Sep 07

Henderson, TX

#15 Sep 29, 2007
A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her
two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said, "Good morning, and welcome to
Wal-Mart.

Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they
ain't. Oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would
you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just
couldn't believe you got laid twice.

Have a great day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart

Sorry I know that wasn't very nice but when my son told me that I just had to share it with you.

Since: Sep 07

Stevens Point, WI

#16 Sep 29, 2007
"DCC" - THAT is good!

'You Might Be A Redneck If....
The centerpiece on your dining room table
is an original signed work by a famous taxidermist'
bigchief

Henderson, TX

#17 Sep 29, 2007
Sno white wuz fixin some supper when she heard a loud noise, seem the well the dwarfs were workin in done caved in, she went to the entrance and yelled, anybody down there???? she heard a faint voice saying over and over "vote for hillary, vote for hillary" she stood up and said, good ,, at least dopey survived.
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#18 Sep 30, 2007
A man lying on his deathbed called to him, his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor. "I am going to die tonight," and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you can take it all with you. So to my three most trusted friends, you three of course, I am leaving 50,000 dollars in these envelopes. When I die you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me." The man handed the three men identical envelopes.
A day later they each received news that, that night the old man had died . So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfill his death wish.
Standing over the coffin one week later the pastor confessed, " I can't hide what I've done. I took 10,000 dollars from the envelope because the church needed to be painted."
Then as he did so the doctor also started to fidget then finally confessed “I took 30,000 dollars from my envelope because the hospital needed a new wing."
Ten the lawyer said plainly “You bunch of crooks! I wrote him a check for the full amount!"
bigchief

Henderson, TX

#19 Sep 30, 2007
while passing through the most desolate, cactus infested part of the arizona desert, a settler and his wife passed a old graveyard, the old man said, we have to go to this town and buy all the land we can, his astonished wife questioned him if he had lost his mind?? no, he said, i seen a tombstone that said,, here lies a lawyer and a honest man, and if they are buryin them two to a hole, the land has to be good land!!!!
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#20 Sep 30, 2007
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
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#21 Oct 1, 2007
Good Monday every one: Heres my joke for the day. Hope every one has a good Monday!!

An Antartian named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.
Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

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