Dear Annie, Advice Column

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Samantha

United States

#1 Mar 7, 2007
Dear Annie, I was raped by my prom date, one year shy of 20 years ago. My husband is a really good guy, but, from things he has said to me...has been a bit of a "perv" when it comes to sex. Lately, our love life has fizzled out and he largely blames me because of this rape. I went through years upon years of therapy (which by the way had begun long before the incident as I was and emotionally abused child and teen), and I went through many, many steps to heal myself. It is an ongoing process which I feel I could not have done without my husband. However, when he is drunk, which happens often, sometimes he asks me about what happpened. We have been together since 1994, we were married two years later. I have always been straight forward, but I have left out details. Recently, I felt comfortable enough to tell him what happened, openly, and without restraint. We had been drinking, and Mark, hubby, said he wants me to tell him the person's name, where he lived, and his family's names and whereabouts. I have heard, from others, that this man suffered without my sayso, it just happened. And once I told my mother what had happened, she contacted the authorities and his parents. It got handled...and despite it all...I feel whole. My husband feels that this man needs some kind of punishment, by Mark's hands and by any means and costs, in order for our sexual and personal life to progess. He has even threatened to divorce me if I don't allow this. He is the kind of person that remembers almost everything when he is drunk, but it comes out a little off kilter, if not distorted, when he comes around. He is also the kind of person that would go through with his ideas, no matter how crazy, just because it seemed like a good idea when he was drunk, but now that it's twisted and distorted in his mind, he had rationalized it. I promised him I would reveal what info I could about this man because I felt I had no choice and I love my husband too much to let some old baggage come between us....but, I must admit....I AM SCARED OF WHAT MARK WILL DO. With all do respect to him, he can be an idiot. Please, any advise can and will help me. Thank you. Really, really scared...NewCastle.
Peyton

Pendleton, SC

#2 Apr 24, 2007
I am really sorry for what happened to you! If you a afraid of what your husband will do, then talk to him about it, and explain to him that it happened a long time ago and he needs to get over it because you have. Just talk to him about it and most of the time it makes it better!
confused

London, Canada

#3 Nov 18, 2007
Dear annie, I am in high school now and I have a girl freind. Shes great but she is always busy and the only time we spend together is at lunch. I dont know what I should do.
former abused wife

AOL

#4 Dec 31, 2007
Dear Annie,

I just watched a tv program about a wife who had been abused and then later killed her husband. Some of the things that she had said made people think that she was guilty. Why I am writing is I have been an abused wife and want people to know that no one knew except people that I wanted to know. To all outward appearances we were the happy family, in love and he was an upstanding person in his community and even had a business. People not knowing that there was this dark side to him. Even his family didnít believe me, I would have black eyes. Also bruises but they were definitely put in places where no one could see them. I went to wearing glasses that had a dark brown tint to them all the time, like sunglasses so that when I did get a black eye I did not be so obvious like other women and put sunglasses on to cover up my marks. I wore them all the time and no one was the wiser. The abuse started when I was a teenager and I didnít think I could tell anyone. I ended up getting pregnant and stayed with him. I left a few times when the violence turned to knives and guns. In the 80's the authority were not as educated on domestic violence as they are now.

Like this wife I also was raped by my husband more times than I care to remember but how is it that a husband rapes his wife, you are married to him and suppose to have sex with him. Yet if I refused he took it, that is rape period and he was never charged because I feared for my life.

To those who feel the need to stay for the kids, let me tell you what my staying did for my daughter. She suffers from low self esteem, ended up in 2 abusive relationships and is an angry mother with her own kids. She is always unhappy and has the need to have drama going on in her life 24/7. I stayed for 5 years and suffer long lasting physical affects from my time with him. When I did decide to leave for good, he finally had lost control of me and knew it, he went and got a gun and tried to intimidate me and my family with it so I would not leave. He went on a high speed chase with the police, threw out the gun and drugs he had on him. The gun was all they said they found, although he said they found the drugs but he was not charged for it. All he got was one years probation. That is not encouraging to women who risk their lives to get out of an abusive situation.

I am happily married going on 23 years to a man who gave me 2 more children and several grandchildren. I had to go through over 20 years of therapy to get me to be where I am today. I still have to have surgeries to repair damage he did so many years ago. This has gone on since 2 years after I left him. My injuries are not visible even today because they were caused by a traumatic brain injury that was not detected until 2 years after I left him.

So for those people who could not believe that a person could do anything like this lady did, because she had no visible injuries, multiple police reports, witnesses to the abuse, please think again. I did not have police reports except for one and I paid later for calling the police. You learn to just deal with it. Why not just leave? Well youíre eventually separated from your family and friends.They put themselves in peril trying to help you. You are told you are worthless and no one would ever want you. When you are told it everyday you begin to believe in. You second guess yourself and low self-esteem starts to set in and never leaves.
Annoyed Roomie

Modesto, CA

#5 Apr 9, 2008
Dear Annie-
I have this roommate who I absolutley love. We get along great and don't disagree on anything, but there's this one thing that drives me up the wall! She has HORRIBLE eating habbits. She chews with her mouth open everytime she eats. She smacks, slurps, licks her fingers, she does the whole nine yards. It's getting really bad and i have no where to escape when she eats because we always eat together. I don't know how to politely tell her that it is driving me CRAZY!!! We have been room mates for almost a year now and have three more to go, but i feel like it is too late to say something. How do i tell her nicely that her eating habbits need to go?.. Please help me!!
-Annoyed Roomie
still waiting

United States

#6 Mar 23, 2009
dear annie
I am in my early 20's and my fiance is in his late 30's. We met at work and everything was great until... i find out his ex works right along with him. we moved on and we became pregnant. While i was pregnant his ex had told me he was making sexual advances towrd her and that he wanted to be with her.He denies it to this day. we have a 6 month old son who is the center of my world. I have always wanted a family a healthy and happy family. My fiance it seems does not want to be part of us. He goes to his freinds house after work and i wait and wait for him. I bought him an xbox so he could play at home instead of going over there. well, that didn't work. It has gotten better because i told him to chose, his freind or his family. his grandma died about a month ago and he never came home that night. instead he went to the casino and got drunk. His freind calls me and tells me how dare I ask him when he is comming home.Are yo kidding me? Tjhis grown man has a fiance and a kid at home and i don't have the right to ask him when he is comming home. He had the nerve to come home and act like nothing ever happend. I am still upset about everything that has went on. i have big trust issues with him that I am tring to over come but it's hard when I am at home and he is with his ex working side by side. sometimes I feel like I am a single mom because all i do is take care of our son, cook,clean and wait for him. The intamacy has changed, he doesn't want to hold me at night and I have had to beg him to be intamate with me. I then feel like he's doing it because he feels obligated to. I don't know what to do. Am I being a jerk about it? I may sound nuts but I feel like I would like him to get a lie detector test before I say I DO. Am I wrong and do you think because I can't get over the past this is just a waist of time for not only me and him but for our son?
unsure if it is worth it

Calgary, Canada

#7 Jun 7, 2009
I have been having some thoughts about breaking the cycle in my home. My husband and I went through couselling and a lot of stuff and mostly things are ok....but not good. It's to the point where my husband ignores me, in EVERY WAY! I get no contact with emotional support, physical, or anything in between. When I confront him he says things like...remember when u said this....and tells me he's still hurt or making me pay. Then tonight he told me this: "THINGS ARE GOING TO GET A WHOLE LOT WORSE BEFORE THEY GET BETTER".....OMG NO HE'S THREATENING ME, well he has done that before but I don't know what to do.....he went from insulting me or talking down to me when we were talking to ignoring me and then when I pushed a question to be answered I got that for a response. I have friends who tell me that it's not worth it.......I'm willing to try but not with a person who is unwilling, abusive or has some sort of medical thing....I don't know if he does but I really think so!!!!!!!!!!
unsure if it is worth it

Calgary, Canada

#8 Jun 7, 2009
Samantha wrote:
Dear Annie, I was raped by my prom date, one year shy of 20 years ago. My husband is a really good guy, but, from things he has said to me...has been a bit of a "perv" when it comes to sex. Lately, our love life has fizzled out and he largely blames me because of this rape. I went through years upon years of therapy (which by the way had begun long before the incident as I was and emotionally abused child and teen), and I went through many, many steps to heal myself. It is an ongoing process which I feel I could not have done without my husband. However, when he is drunk, which happens often, sometimes he asks me about what happpened. We have been together since 1994, we were married two years later. I have always been straight forward, but I have left out details. Recently, I felt comfortable enough to tell him what happened, openly, and without restraint. We had been drinking, and Mark, hubby, said he wants me to tell him the person's name, where he lived, and his family's names and whereabouts. I have heard, from others, that this man suffered without my sayso, it just happened. And once I told my mother what had happened, she contacted the authorities and his parents. It got handled...and despite it all...I feel whole. My husband feels that this man needs some kind of punishment, by Mark's hands and by any means and costs, in order for our sexual and personal life to progess. He has even threatened to divorce me if I don't allow this. He is the kind of person that remembers almost everything when he is drunk, but it comes out a little off kilter, if not distorted, when he comes around. He is also the kind of person that would go through with his ideas, no matter how crazy, just because it seemed like a good idea when he was drunk, but now that it's twisted and distorted in his mind, he had rationalized it. I promised him I would reveal what info I could about this man because I felt I had no choice and I love my husband too much to let some old baggage come between us....but, I must admit....I AM SCARED OF WHAT MARK WILL DO. With all do respect to him, he can be an idiot. Please, any advise can and will help me. Thank you. Really, really scared...NewCastle.
OMG how can I edit someone else's post...this site is a SHAM!
i dont know

Orlando, FL

#9 Jan 25, 2010
okay, i need some advice. i have been with the same guy for about 2 1/2 years and we broke up awhile ago. and since then both of us have moved on. Anyway, i was having sex with the other guy for those 2 yrs and i lost my V to him. and he had a bigger size down below. well the guy that im with now doesnt have that big...lol. and that doesnt bother me. but im just worried that i will be wayy too loose down below, and im afraid it wont feel good for him. Any Suggestions on what to do?
Hopeful Guy

United States

#10 Apr 22, 2010
Dear Annie,
Recently I saw this one girl that I feel for. She is one of my friends friends. However she likes my brothers friend. However she likes to talk to me and smile and say hi to me in school. However the brothers friend is somewhat of a manwhore. His whole thing for a dating relationship is sex. I want to talk to her but everytime I do, shes with him. What do I do?
Confused teen

Enniskillen, UK

#11 May 14, 2010
Dear Annie,
Ive got no dating history at all, but i really like this boy in my class. His kind of on and off with his girlfriends, but for some reason i really like him. i was going to ask him out but turns out his best mate mark likes me. what do i do??? how can i ask out the boy i like and not hurt his mates feelings??? or should i leave him all together??? i really need help im new to this.
Christina

Tucson, AZ

#12 May 20, 2010
Do not worry, your body naturally will conform to his size, it never stays stretched out. Imagine, if it did, mothers would never be able to have sex again after giving birth.
Christina

Tucson, AZ

#13 May 20, 2010
Tell your husband flat out that you don't have time for high school games and things need to change or you are out. Do NOT say this, though, until you are fully willing to leave if he doesn't change. If you are sad and feel you can't leave him, ask yourself this, "Why would I want to be with someone who clearly doesn't want to be with me?" Believe me, you CAN find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated, and the sooner you leave this guy, the sooner you can find the next. If he does change, you'll know you are important to him and he cares about you. Good Luck...
Annie

Zionsville, IN

#14 Sep 10, 2010
Confused teen wrote:
Dear Annie,
Ive got no dating history at all, but i really like this boy in my class. His kind of on and off with his girlfriends, but for some reason i really like him. i was going to ask him out but turns out his best mate mark likes me. what do i do??? how can i ask out the boy i like and not hurt his mates feelings??? or should i leave him all together??? i really need help im new to this.
"I think that you should go for it. You wil never know how he's feeling about you unless you ask. So find him one day, when he's not with his mate, and adk if he would want to hang out sometime. Maybe you will even get a new friend out of this!" :)
eijan smith

Temecula, CA

#15 Dec 25, 2011
i dont know wrote:
okay, i need some advice. i have been with the same guy for about 2 1/2 years and we broke up awhile ago. and since then both of us have moved on. Anyway, i was having sex with the other guy for those 2 yrs and i lost my V to him. and he had a bigger size down below. well the guy that im with now doesnt have that big...lol. and that doesnt bother me. but im just worried that i will be wayy too loose down below, and im afraid it wont feel good for him. Any Suggestions on what to do?
yes come to me i have 10 inches

frenchnblk@sprint.blackberry.n et
Confused

Pittstown, NJ

#16 Jan 24, 2012
Dear Annie,
Hi, I am very hurt and confused, My family is the most messed up family i have seen, You have your rich ones your just making it ones and your poor ones, However i am one of the just making it ones, My one aunt and one uncle are rich ones, and my aunt is my God mother and my Uncle is my God father, They have nothing to do with me and my mom, Its like we are not good enough however there are my other cousins that were born with a golden spoon, That the sun rises and sits well you know where, I do not give 2 craps about the whole money thing, I am just hurt cause i feel not good enough, What should i do to approach them,.. Please help, Let me also add how my uncle is my Godfather as well as my moms brother who raped her for years with out no one doing anything.
Caribbean girl

Rockville Centre, NY

#17 Feb 8, 2012
Peyton wrote:
I am really sorry for what happened to you! If you a afraid of what your husband will do, then talk to him about it, and explain to him that it happened a long time ago and he needs to get over it because you have. Just talk to him about it and most of the time it makes it better!
.
Bad advise...this woman needs to see a marriage counselor. She continues to suffer from low self-esteem.her husband needs counseling as well. He is controlling and there's not much talking she can do with him at this point without a third party. If he can't get over it she may have to move on:(
awallwoods

Victorville, CA

#18 Jun 30, 2012
still waiting wrote:
dear annie
I am in my early 20's and my fiance is in his late 30's. We met at work and everything was great until... i find out his ex works right along with him. we moved on and we became pregnant. While i was pregnant his ex had told me he was making sexual advances towrd her and that he wanted to be with her.He denies it to this day. we have a 6 month old son who is the center of my world. I have always wanted a family a healthy and happy family. My fiance it seems does not want to be part of us. He goes to his freinds house after work and i wait and wait for him. I bought him an xbox so he could play at home instead of going over there. well, that didn't work. It has gotten better because i told him to chose, his freind or his family. his grandma died about a month ago and he never came home that night. instead he went to the casino and got drunk. His freind calls me and tells me how dare I ask him when he is comming home.Are yo kidding me? Tjhis grown man has a fiance and a kid at home and i don't have the right to ask him when he is comming home. He had the nerve to come home and act like nothing ever happend. I am still upset about everything that has went on. i have big trust issues with him that I am tring to over come but it's hard when I am at home and he is with his ex working side by side. sometimes I feel like I am a single mom because all i do is take care of our son, cook,clean and wait for him. The intamacy has changed, he doesn't want to hold me at night and I have had to beg him to be intamate with me. I then feel like he's doing it because he feels obligated to. I don't know what to do. Am I being a jerk about it? I may sound nuts but I feel like I would like him to get a lie detector test before I say I DO. Am I wrong and do you think because I can't get over the past this is just a waist of time for not only me and him but for our son?
The guy is USING you! Get out of there, take your kid and find a place for the both of you, because he is obviously not interested in being in a family. I know because this happened to me, only I married the jerk and got my heart torn out by him. You have the right to be happy too, and your child will thank for not being raised by such a loser.
KAOS Inc

United States

#19 Aug 4, 2012
You people sure are longwinded when complaining
about the bed you lay in? Just change mattresses!
Jenny

Chicago, IL

#20 Aug 11, 2012
Hi waiting,

My heart goes out to you. I feel so bad for young women today because you have all bought into the lie that by living with your boyfriend and having kids before commitment and marriage somehow will guarantee a future together. I see this every day in my courtroom as a Domestic court judge. You need to leave. Your perpetual fiancť is never going to marry you and his disrespectful treatment of you is his wimpy way of making you feel like you did something wrong so he has no reason to commit. He has no balls at all-(you said he's in his late 30s!??) not even enough testosterone to break up with you since you do all the domestic chores for him. And why should he? He has you doing everyrhing for him as if you are his mother. Think of your son for a moment. What kind of example does he show as a father? None. It's not too late to get your self esteem back and repair your life. You may not be able to get child support from him because you're not married, but depending on the state you live in and how long you've been living together your relationship may be considered common law marriage. One more thing: get some support from a good friend or family member because you will need it when you realize he is relieved that you are leaving. I sincerely wish you all the best
still waiting wrote:
dear annie
I am in my early 20's and my fiance is in his late 30's. We met at work and everything was great until... i find out his ex works right along with him. we moved on and we became pregnant. While i was pregnant his ex had told me he was making sexual advances towrd her and that he wanted to be with her.He denies it to this day. we have a 6 month old son who is the center of my world. I have always wanted a family a healthy and happy family. My fiance it seems does not want to be part of us. He goes to his freinds house after work and i wait and wait for him. I bought him an xbox so he could play at home instead of going over there. well, that didn't work. It has gotten better because i told him to chose, his freind or his family. his grandma died about a month ago and he never came home that night. instead he went to the casino and got drunk. His freind calls me and tells me how dare I ask him when he is comming home.Are yo kidding me? Tjhis grown man has a fiance and a kid at home and i don't have the right to ask him when he is comming home. He had the nerve to come home and act like nothing ever happend. I am still upset about everything that has went on. i have big trust issues with him that I am tring to over come but it's hard when I am at home and he is with his ex working side by side. sometimes I feel like I am a single mom because all i do is take care of our son, cook,clean and wait for him. The intamacy has changed, he doesn't want to hold me at night and I have had to beg him to be intamate with me. I then feel like he's doing it because he feels obligated to. I don't know what to do. Am I being a jerk about it? I may sound nuts but I feel like I would like him to get a lie detector test before I say I DO. Am I wrong and do you think because I can't get over the past this is just a waist of time for not only me and him but for our son?

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