Who do you support for U.S. House in ...

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#452 Mar 14, 2014
Two elderly couples were enjoying a friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great!"

"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" Then he turned to his wife and said, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

Murfreesboro, TN

#453 Mar 14, 2014
Rand Paul

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#454 Mar 15, 2014
A man takes his hamster to the vet and, after a short look at the creature, the vet pronounces it dead. Not happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.

The vet gives a whistle, and in strolls a Labrador Retriever. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.

"There, see?" says the vet,” Your hamster is dead."

Still not happy, the man asks for a third opinion, so he vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down, for a few minute,s before looking up and shaking it's head.

"It's definitely dead, sir", says the vet.

Finally convinced, the man enquires how much he owes.

"That will be$1,000, please."

"A thousand bucks?! You mean it costs a thousand bucks just to tell me my hamster is dead?!" fumes the man.

"Well", says the vet, "That was my diagnosis, sir! The lab report and the cat scan were your idea!"

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#455 Mar 16, 2014
An old, retired man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary.

The operator, at the other end, said, "Are they in your house, sir?"

He said they were not - only in his storage shed, in back of the house.

The operator said, "I'm sorry, sir, but we have no one available, at the moment. Just stay in your house, where you will be safe."

The old gentleman thanked the operator, hung up the phone, counted to 30, and called again. When the operator answered, he said, "I just called you, a little while ago, about prowlers in my storage shed. I just wanted you to know that you don't have to worry, anymore. I just got my trusty old assault rifle, and I just shot them all dead, as they were carrying some of my equipment off!"

Within seconds, there were 3 police cars, an ambulance, and a fire engine at the scene. After capturing all of the prowlers, red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "Sir, I thought you said you had shot them all!"

The old gentleman said, "And I thought you said there was no one available!"

*The moral of the story? Don't screw with old folks! They've been around a long time, and they know a hell of a lot more tricks than you do! Heh, heh, heh…..

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#456 Mar 17, 2014
Paddy O'Banion walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what Paddy had done. "What was that all about?"

"Noothin' ", says Paddy. "Me wife just sent me out fer a wee jar of olives!"


Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#457 Mar 18, 2014
After retrieving the mail, the other day, Uncle Tabby said to his wife, "My Olympic condoms have finally arrived! I think I'll wear the Gold Medal, tonight, honey!"

His wife, the very lovely Mrs. Tabby, replied, "I'm sure that is great news for you, dear, but why don't you try wearing the Silver Medal, and finish second for a change?"

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#458 Mar 19, 2014
A widower, who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive, now found himself missing her desperately, so he went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.

The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.

"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Happier than you were with me?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"

"I'm not in Heaven, dear."

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#459 Mar 20, 2014
True story from a Hewlett/Packard Systems Operation Customer Service person:

Uncle Tab: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Uncle Tab: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Uncle Tab: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Uncle Tab: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it.“

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, and laugh uncontrollably, because he couldn't stand it! The caller, Uncle Tab, had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!


Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#460 Mar 21, 2014
A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.

She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?"

To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."

The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates.

"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.

"What word?" she asked.

"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."

The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e."

St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.

"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"

St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.

So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her loser husband.

"What happened?" She cried, "Why are you here?"

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"

To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."

"What word?" he asked.

The woman responded, " Antidisestablishmentarinism. "

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#462 Mar 23, 2014
A guy took his girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats, right behind their team's bench, and both seemed to enjoy the game immensely. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin, and one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, "Get the quarterback!!! Get the quarterback!!! I mean, hell, it’s only 25 cents, for God's sake!"
Best Deal

Centerville, TX

#464 Mar 24, 2014
ED Whitfield is one of the most worthless as%holes Ky has. Between him and McConnell the crowd in Washington has made Kentucky suffer for full time jobs. Vote them both out!!!!

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#465 Mar 25, 2014
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then, he happened to see a little snake, passing by, who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Then, feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same little snake. Only this time, he had three more worms in his mouth, and a big smile on his face!

Greenbrier, AR

#466 Mar 25, 2014
Time we make a statement , they all need to go

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#468 Mar 27, 2014
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately!"

The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies, "I did, officer, but today we're on an outing to the beach!"

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#469 Mar 28, 2014
Once upon a time, there was a cat that died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful -- she had to sleep in cold black alleys, where there was no food, and life was hard. God told her that He was sorry it had had turned out that way, but here, in heaven, she would be happy, and He would give her the most comfortable, and warmest pillow she had ever seen. The cat lay down upon the pillow and was happy.

A few days later, about a dozen mice came to heaven together, and God asked them how they had liked earth. The earth was no better for them than it was the cat. They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting, and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people.

God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them roller skates. One day God sees the cat again, and He asked her how she liked heaven.

The cat said, "Oh, Lord, that pillow is the warmest, most comfortable thing I've ever slept on, and I do so much love it dearly but, even better than that, are those lovely meals on wheels!"

London, KY

#470 Mar 28, 2014
What a joke

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#472 Mar 30, 2014
A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could out-do anyone, based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of one of the older workers. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is, asshole?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow, over to the other building, that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right, smartass, get in!"

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#474 Apr 1, 2014
A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse, and he raps gently on the door. When the farmer answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune, in my lifetime, by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around in the back, you will see a gallon of paint, and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch in the back of the house, I will give you a good meal."

So, the hobo goes around back and, a while later, again knocks on the door. The owner asks, "Finished already? Good! Come on in sand sit down! The cook will bring your meal right in!"

The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir, but there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got, back there. It's a BMW! "

Hopkinsville, KY

#475 Apr 2, 2014
ship em all out

Pittsburgh, PA

#478 Apr 3, 2014

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