Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#422 Feb 21, 2014
A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out.

Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy, "Excuse me, but I noticed that every time you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket."

The guy slurs, "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good."
Loren

Lexington, KY

#424 Feb 21, 2014
Rap lnfbg ky. Own. V
Xx me
Z j blog

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#425 Feb 22, 2014
A gambler was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses. The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next. He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.

The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and waited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. This time, the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was. Confronting him, he demanded,'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you, I've lost every cent of my savings!'.

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

'My Son,' he said,'That's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#426 Feb 23, 2014
At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk, "How much does it cost?"

“Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk.

“That’s fine,” said the girl. I’ll take ten yards.”

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out.

The girl took the bag, and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled,“My Grandpa will pay the bill!”

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#427 Feb 24, 2014
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

She finally remembered her Daddy's advice that, if she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snowdrift. This made her feel much better and, sure enough, in a little while a snowplow went by and she started to follow it.

As she follows the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite a bit of time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped, and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine, and told him of her Daddy's advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied, "It's okay with me, lady, and you can keep on following me, if you want to, but I'm finished, with the Walmart parking lot, here, and now I'm heading over to do K-Mart's."

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#428 Feb 25, 2014
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I am a professional, and in over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient!"

"Okay, then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest pecker the nurse had ever seen. In length, and width, it was about the same size as a AAA battery.

Unable to contain herself, the nurse tried to suppress a giggle, but it just came out. Feeling very badly, at laughing at Bob's part, she composed herself as best she could.

"I am so very sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor, as a nurse, and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob answered.

She ran out of the room, howling maniacally.
repub

Paducah, KY

#429 Feb 25, 2014
Rand Pual
Bob

Sonora, KY

#430 Feb 25, 2014
Bill Clinton

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#432 Feb 27, 2014
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain…"

"Just be quiet!" snapped the officer, "Or I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back!"

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said to keep quiet! Now you're going to jail, smart-ass!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom!"

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#434 Feb 28, 2014
A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it. The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"

The boy answered, "Now, we run like hell!"

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#436 Mar 2, 2014
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.

Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"

"I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#438 Mar 4, 2014
INVESTMENT DEFINITIONS

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @$240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

Since: Feb 14

Location hidden

#439 Mar 4, 2014
BIG_STEVIE wrote:
At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk, "How much does it cost?"
“Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk.
“That’s fine,” said the girl. I’ll take ten yards.”
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out.
The girl took the bag, and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled,“My Grandpa will pay the bill!”
I thought this was funny! I checked in here because it seemed to be a political forum.This is a good one though.

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#440 Mar 5, 2014
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"

The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband!... Why did you die? Oh, why did you die?"

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#441 Mar 5, 2014
Hilltopper60 wrote:
<quoted text>
I thought this was funny! I checked in here because it seemed to be a political forum.This is a good one though.
Thanks, HIlltopper, and I'm glad you enjoyed it. I gave up arguing with fools, on some of these sites, because you just can't reason with idiots. Instead, I decided to post a Joke of the Day, and try to give folks a daily laugh, instead of fighting with them. I still get snide remarks, from the likes of Uncle Tad, Fox News is a Joke (who, I suspect, is the former WTF), and a few others, but they're gonna do that, one way or the other. Again, I'm glad you got a chuckle, from one of my little "offerings," and I invite you to check in daily. I'm retired, and sometimes sleep late, but the joke is usually up by noon. Have a wonderful day, my friend!!!

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#443 Mar 7, 2014
A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among
them, they could ride their bikes, and that cute girl in Social Studies lives on the same street and they might see her.

Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.

Ten years later, now 55, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Capt Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Capt Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because none of them remembered whether or not they had ever been there before.

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#444 Mar 8, 2014
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"

That's Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says, "He's very rich. Marry him."

That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me."

That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her; pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich."

That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

That's Customer Feedback!!!!
voter

Paducah, KY

#446 Mar 9, 2014
Obaa

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#449 Mar 11, 2014
Selling at an auction was halted when the auctioneer announced,“Someone in the room has lost his wallet containing $2,000. He is offering a reward of $500.00 for its immediate return.”

After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room,“$550.00!!!”

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#451 Mar 13, 2014
An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks."

A British doctor says: "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks."

A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks."

A Kenyan doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind! We just took a man with NO brain, made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work!!"

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