Who do you support for U.S. House in ...

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#401 Feb 5, 2014
A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his model 1911 Colt .45 caliber pistol with an 8 round magazine, and yelled, "Who the hell, in here, has been screwing my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You're gonna need more ammo!"

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#402 Feb 6, 2014
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:

"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

Martin, TN

#403 Feb 6, 2014
not Whitfield
another jarhead

Glasgow, KY

#404 Feb 6, 2014
Any people any where being inclined and having the power, have the right to rise up, and shake off the existing gov't and form a new one that suits them better. This is a most valuable and sacred right a right which we hope and believe is to liberate the world ! I have seen things that people would not believe but the scariest is what I have came back home to, the people we have voted for are not doing there JOB and the American people still believe there lies. They argue on TV but when the camera is off they go have a meal on the tax payer.( Don't Believe the lies the news we here is for ratings not to educate or even real news ). Ask any ex military and they will tell you it's all one big scam and the people are to blind to see it. No matter who you are for they want more of your money and freedom just look at what's happening today we are all in it together and it will get worse if we cant stand together and make a real change from lessons learned from mistakes we have made ourselves. SEMPER PHI

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#405 Feb 7, 2014
On a whim, a father buys a "lie detector robot," and brings it home. He figures that, at best, it will either be a way to get some laughs, around the house or, at worse, a small waste of money. So, he decides to test it out, around the dinner table, that evening.

Dinner time comes around, and the family are sitting at the table, when the father decides to give his new toy a test. He asks his son what he did, this afternoon, and the son answers, "Oh, I just did some homework."

Upon saying this, the robot slaps him.

The father says, "Aha! This is a lie detecting robot, and each time you lie, he will slap you!"

The son says, "Okay, dad, I watched a movie."

The father asks, "What kind of movie?"

The son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps him again.

"Okay, okay! I watched a porn movie!" he says.

The dad says, "What? A porn movie? Boy, when I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was!"

Then, the robot slaps him.

The wife says, "Ha, ha, ha!!! He is sure your son!!!"

The robot then slapped her clear across the room…..

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#406 Feb 8, 2014
An airplane encountered some turbulence, it started shuddering, and rocking noticeably, from side to side. The flight crew wheeled out the drinks cart, in an effort to keep the passengers calm.

The attendant asked a business man,“Would you like a drink, sir?

“Hell, why not?” he replied unkindly.“I’ll just have whatever the pilot’s having!"

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#407 Feb 9, 2014
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley-Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle, to see what he wanted. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."
who cares

Benton, KY

#408 Feb 9, 2014
It's not going to make a difference what we think anyway.

Henderson, KY

#409 Feb 9, 2014
Who cares?

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#410 Feb 10, 2014
A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay right now."

The young man replied, "I know that! I'm just seeing if I have enough money for a couple more words!"

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#411 Feb 11, 2014

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno~

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers~

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~

There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators.
~Will Rogers~

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#412 Feb 12, 2014
***This one's for all of Big Stevie's friends, back there in "Louh-vuhl."***

Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in, Louisville.

One said "Louie-ville" and the other "Louis-ville."

They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, "Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly."

The waitress responds, "Bur…ger…King."

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#413 Feb 13, 2014
****Big Stevie would like to apologize for being so late with the joke, today. Mrs. Big Stevie had to have a little light surgery, and I was otherwise engaged. She's doing well, thank God, though it's not over yet. This joke is worth the wait, though, I hope!****

The pope was very ill, and nobody could cure him. The cardinals called in an old physician, that had been recommended to them and, after an hour long examination, he came up with a solution.

"I've got some good news, and some bad news," he said. "The bad news is that the pope has a rare testicular disorder. The good news is that he can be cured.....with sex."

The cardinals, not happy with the cure, explain the situation to the pope.

"I'll agree to it," says the pope." But under four conditions."

The cardinals were shocked. "What are the four conditions, Holy Father?" asks one of them.

"First, the girl must be blind, so she cannot see with whom she is having sex, second, she must be deaf, so she cannot hear with whom she is having sex, and third, she must be dumb, so if she somehow figures out with whom she is having sex, she can tell no one."

After a long pause, one of the cardinals asks, "And the fourth condition, Holy Father?"

"Big tits!"

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#414 Feb 14, 2014
A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going
to go to Dr. Smith for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same
dentist two years before.

"Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?"

The second oldster replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday
when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been
going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the nuts !”

The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell does that have
to do with your dentures?"

"It was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt....."

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#415 Feb 15, 2014
At school one morning the teacher asked Little Johnny what he had for breakfast, and Little Johnny said, "Well, on my way to school I come cross this here apple tree, so I climbed 'er 'n started eatin' me some 'o them thar apples. I guess I eat me about six of 'em!"

"No, said the teacher, "It’s ate, Little Johnny! Ate!"

Little Johnny said, "Well, hell! "It coulda been eight! I don't remember!"

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#416 Feb 16, 2014
A man got really drunk, one night, in his local bar. The bartender refused to serve him any more alcohol, and told him he should be heading home.

The man thought this was a good idea, so he stood up to leave but fell over and plopped on the floor. He tried to stand up again, but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside, and get some fresh air, he'd be okay, so he crawled outside then tried to stand up, but fell over again.

In the end, after falling over lots more, he decided that he would just crawl all the way home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up, using the door handle, but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs, and finally managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep.

When he finally woke up, the next morning, his wife asked him what he was doing at the bar last night.

He denied being there, but she said, "Look, I know you were there!"

He maintained his innocence until she said, "The bartender called to say you forgot your damned wheelchair again!"

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#417 Feb 17, 2014
One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to," replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And, with that, St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute), and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates, and she found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say
this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So, St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "My dear, yesterday we were recruiting you. Today, you're staff!"
Ed W

Mayfield, KY

#418 Feb 18, 2014

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#419 Feb 18, 2014
This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

"I got one too... see?"

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?"

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!"


The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here — see?!"

The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada.

He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada.

The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"

"Check this out — I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

Angrily, the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#420 Feb 19, 2014
I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar. One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired!"

His buddy says, "I'm exhausted! My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do. I'm one tired Dude!"

A middle-aged fellow, sitting a couple of stools down had over-heard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and, with a clear firm voice, said, "Marry her! That'll put a stop to that shit!"

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