Who do you support for U.S. House in ...

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#378 Jan 17, 2014
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior, confessing: "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did thee use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when thee swore?"

"No, Mother Superior," said the nun. "Attracted by the noise from the wire, a hawk noticed my ball bouncing along the fairway and swooped down and captured it in its talons. "

"Is THAT when thee used thy foul language?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, the hawk immediately flew off, carrying my ball high into the air!"

"Is THAT when thee swore?" asks the patient, understanding elder.

"No, not yet, Mother Superior. Amazingly, the hawk dropped the ball! It struck a rock about 30 yards from the green, bounced high in the air, and flew over a huge sand trap!Ē

"Did thee swear THEN?" asked worried, listening counselor.

"No, Mother Superior. The ball hit a narrow strip of ground between the trap and the green, rolled up and stopped about eight inches from the cup!"

The aggrieved nun bowed her head for a silent moment, then glanced up to explore the Motherís face for solace, forgiveness and understanding.

With a sudden harsh and accusing look at the nun, the Mother said, "You missed the damned putt, didn't you???"

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#379 Jan 18, 2014
I just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Northern Scotland. She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist-high and is still falling, the temperature is dropping far below zero, and the north wind is increasing to near gale force, and she says that her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken bastard in.
goat face

London, KY

#380 Jan 18, 2014
No More Incumbents wrote:
Vote out the incumbents! Whitfield must GO! Whitfield must GO!
dewayne burton from Columbia.was run out of Columbia for being sexy to his own mother and young boys.and anything that's put on here he trys to switch it around to other people.his mom is old he takes money from her and is sexy with her.he had sex with a taylor boy in Russell co.for years...he tells people he is a fighter.because he is fat and draws a crazy check....ssi

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#381 Jan 19, 2014
Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank, and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral.

"Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says.

The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back.

"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says.

The man writes out a check and starts to walk away.

"Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for, two weeks, and pay only $15.40?"

****Big Stevie says, "Now you know why millionaires are millionaires. They don't just arbitrarily blow their money! They look for deals just like everyone else!****

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#383 Jan 21, 2014
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldnít drive.

No further testing is planned.

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#384 Jan 22, 2014
During a robbery, one of the robbers' mask slid down, exposing his face. He looked over at a man, standing nearby, and asked, "Did you see my face?"

The man said, "Why, yes! I did!"

The robber shot him dead, right there on the spot.

Then, he turned and asked a woman, "Hey, lady, did you see my face?"

She said, "No, but my husband, standing right there by the teller's window, did!"

Morgantown, KY

#385 Jan 22, 2014
Rockafellas and Rothschids taking al money from the USA. Do your homework because world war three is coming.

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#386 Jan 23, 2014
A Taliban was sitting in a cave when he hears over a dune the voice of one American solider: "One American solider is better than 10 Taliban fighters!"

This really pissed the Taliban guy off, so he sent over ten of his high-ranking soldiers.

After a lot of gun fire, and yelling and screams of agony, the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better than 100 Taliban fighters!"

So, the Taliban guy, getting more and more angry, sends over 100 of his highest ranked soldiers, sure of victory.

After a lot of gun fire and yelling, and screams of agony, the Taliban heard the voice again.

"One American solider is better than 1000 Taliban fighters!!!"

So, the Taliban guy, by now in fits of rage, sent his toughest, meanest, personal guards over the dune.

After hundreds of bullets were fired, and explosions, along with the screaming and crying, it was all over. Wondering what happened, the Taliban guy gets up and goes over the dune, where he finds one of his men, very badly wounded, and a pile of 1,109 dead Taliban soldiers.

The one surviving Taliban soldier hollers at his boss, "PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don't send any more of our men!! It's a trap!"

The Taliban Commander says, "This is terrible! Allah will not be happy! How many Americans are there?"

His man answered, "Two!!!"

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#387 Jan 24, 2014
This guy goes into a doctor's office. The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your tests! Do you want the bad news first, or the very bad news?"

The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first."

"Well the bad news is, I'm sorry to say that you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies.

The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?"

The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is that I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#388 Jan 25, 2014
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the Pearly Gates. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?'

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher, who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#389 Jan 26, 2014
Boy! Talk about a good day going bad real quick!!

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer,

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

The driver thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's an asshole, when he's drunk and stoned."

Then, the guy in the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk, and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

Bowling Green, KY

#391 Jan 26, 2014
rand paul

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#392 Jan 27, 2014
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley-Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

Murray, KY

#393 Jan 27, 2014
Anonymous Keyboard Tapper wrote:
LOL. When MY side has a long serving incumbent then it is "a vote for experience". When THEIR side has incumbents, its time to "THROW THE BUMS OUT!"
And people wonder why nothing ever changes in Washington.
Clean the whole dang slate!
we finely agree

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#394 Jan 28, 2014
A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.

The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver plowed a parked car.

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#395 Jan 29, 2014
Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you have twins."

The man said, "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins!"

After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you have triplets!"

Man was like, "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 Musketeers."

Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says, "Congratulations, you have quadruplets!"

Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons."

All three of them are happy, until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, and he's cursing, and banging his head on the wall.

They all congregated around their friend, and asked him what was wrong.


Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#396 Jan 30, 2014
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Moose Jaw, Wyoming for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball, from a cup on the shelf, and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek, in order to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened, if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days, like everyone else does."

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#397 Feb 1, 2014
Big Stevie must apologize, for neglecting yesterday's post, as he was engaged in activities that could possibly improve the world's lot, as well as cure all disease, bring rain, and elect an all Republican roster, in the upcoming fall elections. Believe me, my friends, I would not have neglected you, nor my obligation to this site, had it not been for what may, in future times, be realized as the saving of all humanity, or something like that! Thank you for your attention, as it is always appreciated, and coveted, and Big Stevie wishes only the best to you, his loyal fans. Thank you, and you may resume!****

A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway. The officer came to the driverís window and said, "Sir, may I see your driverís license and registration?"

The man said, "Well, officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI."

The officer, in surprise, said," Well, do you have a registration for the vehicle?"

The man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine. I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it."

The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?"

The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used it to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk."

The officer steps toward the back of the car and says, "Sir, do not move! I am calling for backup!!"

The officer calls for backup and, in about ten minutes, another highway patrolman arrives. He walks slowly up to the window, and asks the man for his driverís license and registration.

The man said," Yes officer, I have it right here."

It all checked out, so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box, sir?"

The man laughs and says, " No, officer, why would there be a gun in the glove box?"

He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. Then, the second officer asked him to open the trunk, because he had reason to believe that there was a dead body in it.

The man agrees and opens the trunk. No dead body.

The second officer says, "Sir, I don't understand! The officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, that the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk!"

The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, "HA-HA-HA! Yeah, and I'll bet he said I was speeding, too!"

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#399 Feb 3, 2014
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#400 Feb 4, 2014
One day, one of the top gynecologists in the United States was finishing up on a routine hysterectomy. As he close up the patient, he got to thinking, "I'm am completely worn out, with what I'm doing. I need some "me" time. I've got to get away from this rat race, and do something that will, at least for awhile, give me some sort of mental relaxation. Maybe if I can do that, I'll be able to return to my practice in a better frame of mind, and able to continue on with my work."

When he got home, that evening, he was looking through the internet for some kind of hobby, or work, that he could do that would not only give him some relief, from the strain he had been under, but also give him some sense of accomplishment.

It wasn't too long until he found something interesting. It was a trade school, and it was offering training in all forms of industrial labor. As he scanned further, he noticed that there was a course in automobile engine repair, and general other mechanical repair, so he decided to call them. As luck would have it, a new class was just starting up that following Monday, so he told them to sign him up, and he would see them Monday. Then, he called his secretary and told her not to take any further appointments, for the foreseeable future, and to assign his active patients to his partner, in the practice.

The following Monday, he was at the trade school and rearing to go. He was very excited, as the class began, and for the next six weeks he happily went about fixing all sorts of assorted things; carburetors, air conditioning, transmissions, and such. As the course progressed, the time finally came for "finals," and each student had to overhaul a complete engine, which would account for one half of their grade.

Excitedly, the gynecologist began working, knowing that he had studied harder, and worked longer than any of the other students, just as he had done in medical school, so he knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he would finished with the highest grade in the class.

As the day wore on, one by one of the other students finished their work, put their tools away, and cleaned up their work areas, before leaving for home. Finally, the gynecologist looked up and found that he was the only one left, and he was still working. On he toiled, until finally, just as it was starting to get dark outside, he finished his engine, put his tools away, and cleaned up his work area. He was very sad, and downcast, because he was so sure that he would do well but, as he left, the instructor called him up to his desk.

He told the gynecologist that he was going to do something that he had never done, in all the years he'd been a teacher. He was going to go ahead and give the doctor his grade right then.

The gynecologist, by this time very depressed, told the teacher, "Sir, I know that I must have failed miserably! I was the last one to finish my engine, and I know you will most assuredly fail me!"

Then, the teacher wrote something on a sheet of paper, and handed it to the good doctor. When the doctor unfolded it, and looked, the teacher had written, "AAA+++," on it.

The gynecologist looked at the paper, and then looked at the teacher. Then, he looked back at the paper, and once again at the teacher. With a shocked look, on his face, he nervously said, "Sir, I'm not sure what to say, about this grade. I've never seen one like it in all my years as a student. What are you trying to say?"

The teacher replied, "It's the highest grade I've ever given a student, doctor."

"But why?" asked the good doctor. "I was the last to finish! Everyone else had long since finished, and gone home! Why did I get such a high grade?"

"You see," said the teacher, "You're the only student I've ever had who overhauled an entire V-8 engine, and did it all through the tailpipe."

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