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241 - 260 of 454 Comments Last updated Sunday Jul 13

Since: Jul 12

Spring, TX

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#274
Nov 3, 2013
 

Judged:

1

Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard.

"Now," she asked Johnny, "What word would we have if we placed a "K" in the front?"

After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"

Since: Jul 12

Spring, TX

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#275
Nov 4, 2013
 
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh! Me!! Me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please???!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still mess on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right….. there!

13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

14. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…..

15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!

Since: May 13

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#276
Nov 4, 2013
 
BIG_STEVIE wrote:
Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard.
"Now," she asked Johnny, "What word would we have if we placed a "K" in the front?"
After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"
That test is racially unfair!!

Johnny's teacher is most likely a white racist hate enraged republican!!!
CRT

Cave City, KY

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#278
Nov 5, 2013
 
My my!

Since: Jul 12

Spring, TX

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#280
Nov 7, 2013
 
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning, she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out.

Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said,“Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.”

“What do you mean?” asked his wife.

“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened but, by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two long fingers, I think I got most of them back in……........

Since: Nov 13

Tampa, FL

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#281
Nov 7, 2013
 
the windheaven apartments the worst place to rent in the worl.they allow nothing but trash to live in the best apartments and the allow those people and their kids to harass everyone. their i one over there that is the worse pple i have ever seen ~~~please be aware there is also a child molester liveing there in the complex. and i have yet to see why they allow this person to live there.
Carter

Hopkinsville, KY

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#282
Nov 8, 2013
 
Ed Whitfield

Since: Jul 12

Spring, TX

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#284
Nov 19, 2013
 
Hello friends! Sorry that Big Stevie has been out of pocket, but he and Mrs. Big Stevie have been cavorting around the Western Caribbean, and seeing Cozumel, Belize City, and Roatan, Honduras. We had a wonderful, and most restful time, and are now back, and ready to continue my revered "Joke of the Day." I hope that everyone has been able to survive without me, but I'm now back.

Incidentally, sorry for the sub-par joke, today. I'm trying to play catch-up, and it's not always easy to locate a really good joke on such short notice, so, here's today's offering:

Q: What do you call a midget fortuneteller on the run from the law?

A: A small medium at large.
Monty

Cadiz, KY

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#285
Nov 19, 2013
 
And now for something different....

Since: Jul 12

Spring, TX

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#287
Nov 20, 2013
 

Judged:

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Obobin Hood wrote:
<quoted text>
That test is racially unfair!!
Johnny's teacher is most likely a white racist hate enraged republican!!!
Now, that's just silly! Nowhere, in the whole thing, is there any indication of the child being any ethnicity whatsoever. Now who's the racist? See, that's what you Democrats do; you find any excuse possible to throw down the race card. I ask again: Who's the racist, now?
Monty

Williamston, SC

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#288
Nov 20, 2013
 
I have always pictured little Johnny as a little white kid myself....

Since: Jul 12

Spring, TX

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#289
Nov 21, 2013
 
A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a triple dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose.

'Why not?' asked the man.

'Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.

'But I need it really bad,' said the man.

'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.

The man said,'Well, my girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.'

The doctor finally relented saying,'All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.'

On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor's office his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked,'Good Gawd! What happened to you?'

The man said,'No one showed up.'

Since: Jul 12

Spring, TX

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#290
Nov 23, 2013
 
Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at him suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. "What’ll it be, boys?"

The first vampire says "Blood! Giff me blood."

The second vampire says "I, too, vish for blood!"

The third vampire says "Giff me plasma."

The Bartender smiles and says "Got it! Then, he turns to one of his helpers and says, "Two Bloods, and a Blood Lite!!"

Sorry…..
Monty

Cadiz, KY

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#291
Nov 23, 2013
 
Wow!!!!

Since: Jul 12

Spring, TX

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#292
Nov 24, 2013
 
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am, and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say, or ask, that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that!#1, you have to be single and,#2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

"OK," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush, but when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK! My name is Lance, and I'm going to a gay Halloween party!"

Since: Jul 12

Spring, TX

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#293
Nov 25, 2013
 
A man goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five shots. The bartender gives him an odd look since he’s all by himself, but he serves up the five shots and lines them up on the bar.

The man downs them all quickly. He finishes the last one and calls out, "Four shots, please!"

The bartender serves up four shots and lines them on the bar. The man downs them all. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three. And one after the other, he knocks them back.

"Two more shots!" he calls, and the bartender places two shots in front of him. Down they go.

As the man slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One shot bartender."

So the bartender fills the glass. The man sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, "You know, it's a funny thing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get."
87569abc

Murray, KY

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#294
Nov 25, 2013
 
Anybody heard of a Dem running against Whitfield yet? I heard he might have a tea party challenger too.

Since: Jul 12

Spring, TX

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#295
Nov 26, 2013
 
A couple is arguing about who should make the coffee in the morning. The wife says,“I think your should do it because you get up first.”

He counters with,“The kitchen is your domain, and you do all the cooking. You know where everything is. I think you should make the coffee.”

“No way,” she says.“You should do it. The Bible even says so!”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

She grabs the family Bible, thumbs through it, points to the appropriate section, and says, "Look right here! It says 'Hebrews!'”
Morals

Cave City, KY

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#296
Nov 26, 2013
 
nether have them
Monty

Cadiz, KY

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#297
Nov 26, 2013
 
Have heard of no one running against Whitfield

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