I hate the world and everyone it.

I hate the world and everyone it.

Posted in the Greeneville Forum

aholes in this town

Hendersonville, TN

#1 Jun 20, 2012
Its funny, really. when i left this town a couple months ago, i was carefree, on top of the world. it was on the up and up. then, i got that dreaded call. i was in need. this is a long story, so bare with me. my mother was a great woman. she was strong, had morals, tried to instill religion in her children, never stole a dime. actually, a bank had given her an extra hundred dollars once, and she returned it (made my dad mad!} worked her entire life. cooked every night. 12 years ago she developed lung cancer. she went thru chemo and radiation. had the top lobe of one lung removed and a third of the either removed, but she lived. the cancer was gone. slowly thru the years her health deteriorated. the last few getting admitted to the hospital icu for weeks at a time for pnuemonia and micro aviam (or something like that) bacteria in her lungs. finally being reduced to an oxygen machine.. but she still got around. i loved going to the grocery store with her and watching her hover around in those little drivable carts knocking over displays and such. this past january we went down to visit. woke up to my father telling me he was calling an ambulance something wasnt right. she was unresponsive. she was admitted once again. i came back up, taking it for granted. then got that dreaded call. she had a bacteria form in her lungs, there were only three antibiotics they could try. First didn't work. Second didn't do shit, third helped absolutely none. There was nothing they could do. 1 month in, they add her to a ventilator. 2 months in, they add the trache. then, let us know her insurance was running out and soon theyd have to ship her one state over to the closest nursing home that took patients with traches unless we could come take courses on how to take care of her at home. she was dying. and it could either be at home surrounded by loved ones or all alone with strangers. i picked up and left everything. i would of been damn if she would have died surrounded by uncaring strangers who didn't know how great she really was. when i first got back down there, i was devastated when i saw her. she had went in the hospital able to walk and talk. now she was bedridden and mute with new tubes and electronics attached. her hair was matted up. they had cut a foot of it off. when i went to go brush it, itd come out in clumps. everyday for the next two weeks we took alternating 8 hour shifts at the hospital. learning what all the buttons on the ventilator were for, how to do the feeding tube, catheter, stick the tube thru the trache down her throat to vaccuum out the mucus in her lungs. She had become a palliatative patient. that means they were no longer giving her medications to make her better, just the ones to make her more comfortable. no more nitroglycerin, antibiotics, or breathing treatments. at first they only gave her a week. but they didn't know how strong of a person she was. we learned how to give her oral care, what to use for the bed soars, the special shoes we put on her feet to prevent them from turning inward. how to remove her trache and put in a new one. how to feed her medicine thru her feeding tube in her stomach. got reprimanded for letting her suck on some hard candy. the only taste of real food/drink for two months. my heart would beat out of my chest every time the signals on her ventialtor would go off warning us she wasnt getting enough air. i think i actually developed anxiety. my nerves were shot. the nurses felt comfortable with it, though, that we knew what to do. So, april 4th, 2012 she came home. her new machines, bed and all. transported by ambulance, home, where she hadnt been for three long months. at this point she was getting a little confused. she kept trying to pull herself up. telling me she wanted to go to the living room. i had to tell her that she couldnt get up. she asked me why. i had to explain that she was took weak and she had to stay in the
lightin74

Brentwood, TN

#2 Jun 20, 2012
cancer sucks no how u feel lost ny grandma 2 it but life still goes on hope she gets better
aholes in this town

Hendersonville, TN

#3 Jun 21, 2012
bed. at one point i decided itd be okay if i went outside to feed the dog. i came back in to her machines blaring. i walk in her room and her red face was etched in fear, she was trying to pull herself up into a sitting position. her trache had became detached and she was getting no air. from that point on, i was terrified. sitting with her hours at a time. at some points shed try to tell me something, and i couldnt make it out. shed get so frustrated. and shed cry, because she realized how helpless she really was. i gave her foot massages, rubbed lotion all over her, did all the stupid medical crap i was supposed to do. i told her i loved her. she lipped back that she loved me too, and i told her to save her breath bc i knew she loved me i just wanted her to know i loved her. she motioned for me again, so i walked up to her and she mouthed "what do i have to live for?" a few minutes later the thought hit me that we had parked her in front of the mirror on her dresser and she lay there staring at herself for the first time in 3 months, and how different she must have looked. at one point, i decided id go try and get my clothes out the dryer, i told her, she shook her head. she just wanted me to stand next to her and hold her hand. i told her id be back. she shook her head again. she just wanted to hold my hand. but i let her go. i chose to do my laundry. i walked away. i FUCKING walked away. i walked out the room backwards, in case, thinking i didn't want her last time seeing me- the back of me, walking out the door. i turned the light out, told her she needed to rest. went and did my laundry. from there would just go and peep in on her every 30 minutes or so. my older brother was there too. my little brother had come by and spent a little time with her also. It was about nine oclock with my brother alerted me that he didn't think she looked right. i go in and shes still breathing but her eyes are slightly open, looking down, her mouth slightly ajar. i thought it was the medication. then thought a little more and decided to call the nurse. she told me to go check the bpms (breaths per minute) on the ventilator. It automatically gave her 10 bpms, she averaged 20. Taking 10 breaths per minute on her own. i walked in her room, up to the machine and my heart sank to my stomach and it felt like the world crashed down on me. alls i saw was the red flashing "10 bpm". I called the nurse back and she told me to calm down, it could still be just the medication. i need to check her pulse. my little brother had just arrived back. i walk in her room and feel for one on the left wrist. i feel nothing. then the right. as i realize i feel nothing, still, i look up and see my little brothers wife feel for a pulse on her neck, then drop her head and begin crying. the finality of it hit me, then. she was gone. she had been gone. the goddamn machine had her chest going up and down, she wasnt really breathing. i had a teacher once tell me she thought i had near photographic memory. Sometimes, thats not a good thing. Images haunt me, the terrified look on my mothers red face, the flashing red "10 bpm", my sister in law dropping her head and crying. i dont understand how someone so wonderful could be put thru something so terrible. why did she have to suffer? she was so faithful. had the highest morals. why her? why not those sick pedofiles that live loving life til theyre 100. why, goddamnet? She once told me she was worried i was going to hell bc she knew i didn't believe in "Him". I laughed and shrugged it off and told her, "ma, i don't believe in hell." but after she died i silently begged her, pleaded with her, to come to me, in a dream or just a feeling of her presence to let me know that she was ok, it was all true, and she was up there with her father, loving every second. and now, i cry, being an athiest, never receiving that dream or feeling, hate Him, for giving her that false hope, that she
aholes in this town

Hendersonville, TN

#4 Jun 21, 2012
was suffering now, but soon she'd be in pure utopia. i wish on my life and everything i care for that I am wrong, and that there is a god, and she is up there, everything she believed, bc she deserves it. ill gladly spend an enternity in hell to know that shes spending an eternity in heaven. i love you mom. LLR 04/26/56 - 04/04/12
aholes in this town

Hendersonville, TN

#5 Jun 21, 2012
btw, i didnt write this to get anyones take on religion. nobodys going to change my mind. i can get real hateful about it, and probably will if there are (and most likely will be) religious comments. i wrote it to vent. its hard sitting by watching your loved one wither away and there is nothing you can do. and its harder knowing it was all for nothing.
Shelton

United States

#6 Jun 21, 2012
My hart goes out to you and your family. I know words form some guy you don't know wont do any good. but this made me cry. And I myself am a non believer but I hope he is real for your her. and they are up there dancing.
I Understand

United States

#7 Jun 21, 2012
I completely understand why you are upset. My heart goes out to you, your family and your mother for what you all endured!!! My mother had a fatal stroke after her first cancer treatment. Sadly it turned out to be a blessing because she had a very small chance of living happily and healthy beyond a few months. She went quick. She went without knowing her husband of the last 20 some years had stolen her blind and that he left her death bed to go steal anything remaining which would deprive me of my inheritance. She died with me by her side, not strangers, and certainly not the cull of a man who was stealing her blind and even the family legacy left for me.
Oddly enough, she had adopted me as an infant but chose to abandon me with her mother to chase after the very SOB who had left her dying on her death bed while he stole from her!!!! I'M NOT TELLING YOU THESE THINGS TO MAKE YOU SAD OR TO TOP YOUR STORY, MY PURPOSE IS TO TELL YOU I UNDERSTAND. While your time with her in those last days was not ideal but filled with misery, rejoice in that she died knowing what a LOVING family she had raised. YOU were there for her!!! Do not blame yourself for anything you didn't do. Everything you did for yourself at that time was also done for her because YOU WERE TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF SO YOU COULD BE THERE FOR HER! DO NOT FORGET THAT!!!
At the time, my mooching step-siblings would charge her to take her to doctor's appointments. I hid the fact that I lost my job while I maintained top scores in college & took care of my husband. I had so much to juggle but did everything I could for her. It was a financial strain on me to pay for gas & all that I had to do while trying to conceal the fact that I was unemployed. I HATED LYING TO HER ABOUT LOSING MY JOB BUT I KNEW SHE WOULD WORRY HERSELF TO DEATH ABOUT ME! I resented my mooching step-siblings who ended up receiving my family items from their father's thievery. I even had to pay her final burial expenses out of my own money rather than have her bills unpaid which would have shamed her greatly.
NOW, YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I UNDERSTAND & SPEAK WITH AUTHORITY WHEN I TELL YOU, DO NOT BE ANGRY AT THE WORLD &
HATE EVERYONE IN IT. Your mother sounds like a great, loving woman & she would ask that you continue to be a loving person & spread joy in her name and out of respect for the way you were raised. I also understand the loss of faith and would not dare preach to you about that. You will either believe or not, your choice.
Do try to love again. Anger, hostility, resentment will only erode your life down to the core. You were helpless in the final outcome but wow....LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO CARE FOR HER! You all pulled together so she would not die alone in a strange place where you could only hope strangers would treat her like she deserved! You were strong! We all have to go eventually & no matter what heroic efforts are made, we all go one day. You got to say I love you & she saw it in your eyes. The hurt will get better over time & you will no how strong you really are. Rejoice in the times you had which made you who you are today, clearly a loving person who is rightfully angry & hurt right now. Do something in her honor, maybe that will help just one person. See how much better you feel for loving and not hating!
My illustrious step-father died about 4 1/2 months later if a horrible, fast moving cancer. He never even got to enjoy the proceeds of his ill-gotten thievery from a woman on her death bed! His equally dishonest children will get theirs one day, probably already have. I dismissed it because I know what I did for her. I needed financial help but at the end of the day, I have morals, honor and integrity, all instilled in me by her mother, while my adoptive mother was off chasing the man who left her dying.:)
aholes in this town

Lexington, SC

#10 Nov 27, 2012
Whoever came up with the saying, 'time heals all wounds' is full of shit.

“Oderint dum metuant”

Since: Mar 12

Main Street

#12 Nov 27, 2012
I am very sorry for the way these events played out for you. Just know you did all you could to make her comfortable. Also, know that she seen that, felt it, and appreciated it. Sadly enough, moving her out of sight and out of mind would have been ideal for a lot of people. I respect you and your family for learning how to care and doing so for the comfort of your mother. Take care~
she knew

Gallatin, TN

#13 Nov 27, 2012
No Christian (which I am) should ever try and push their religion on any one. The truth is that we are all going to die. I lost both my parents to this horrible disease called cancer. I rarely left their sides during their illness. My mom died five years after my dad. While I was there for both my parents, my brother was busy trying to figure out how to get all they had. The reason I am telling about this is because honoring our parents is something we all need to do. Losing them has been hard and I have days when I can barely stand the loss and missing them. But, one thing is for sure, knowing that I did all I could do for them because of the love and respect I had for them gives me a peace. I can't imagine the hell my brother is now going thru knowing that he was so disrespectful and greedy during their time of need. I hope you will realize that she had to be blessed by your actions during her illness. May you find some peace knowing that even though they left this world by such a long and painful means, she knew she was loved.
no name

Tuscaloosa, AL

#14 Nov 28, 2012
I Understand wrote:
I completely understand why you are upset. My heart goes out to you, your family and your mother for what you all endured!!! My mother had a fatal stroke after her first cancer treatment. Sadly it turned out to be a blessing because she had a very small chance of living happily and healthy beyond a few months. She went quick. She went without knowing her husband of the last 20 some years had stolen her blind and that he left her death bed to go steal anything remaining which would deprive me of my inheritance. She died with me by her side, not strangers, and certainly not the cull of a man who was stealing her blind and even the family legacy left for me.
Oddly enough, she had adopted me as an infant but chose to abandon me with her mother to chase after the very SOB who had left her dying on her death bed while he stole from her!!!! I'M NOT TELLING YOU THESE THINGS TO MAKE YOU SAD OR TO TOP YOUR STORY, MY PURPOSE IS TO TELL YOU I UNDERSTAND. While your time with her in those last days was not ideal but filled with misery, rejoice in that she died knowing what a LOVING family she had raised. YOU were there for her!!! Do not blame yourself for anything you didn't do. Everything you did for yourself at that time was also done for her because YOU WERE TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF SO YOU COULD BE THERE FOR HER! DO NOT FORGET THAT!!!
At the time, my mooching step-siblings would charge her to take her to doctor's appointments. I hid the fact that I lost my job while I maintained top scores in college & took care of my husband. I had so much to juggle but did everything I could for her. It was a financial strain on me to pay for gas & all that I had to do while trying to conceal the fact that I was unemployed. I HATED LYING TO HER ABOUT LOSING MY JOB BUT I KNEW SHE WOULD WORRY HERSELF TO DEATH ABOUT ME! I resented my mooching step-siblings who ended up receiving my family items from their father's thievery. I even had to pay her final burial expenses out of my own money rather than have her bills unpaid which would have shamed her greatly.
NOW, YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I UNDERSTAND & SPEAK WITH AUTHORITY WHEN I TELL YOU, DO NOT BE ANGRY AT THE WORLD &
HATE EVERYONE IN IT. Your mother sounds like a great, loving woman & she would ask that you continue to be a loving person & spread joy in her name and out of respect for the way you were raised. I also understand the loss of faith and would not dare preach to you about that. You will either believe or not, your choice.
Do try to love again. Anger, hostility, resentment will only erode your life down to the core. You were helpless in the final outcome but wow....LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO CARE FOR HER! You all pulled together so she would not die alone in a strange place where you could only hope strangers would treat her like she deserved! You were strong! We all have to go eventually & no matter what heroic efforts are made, we all go one day. You got to say I love you & she saw it in your eyes. The hurt will get better over time & you will no how strong you really are. Rejoice in the times you had which made you who you are today, clearly a loving person who is rightfully angry & hurt right now. Do something in her honor, maybe that will help just one person. See how much better you feel for loving and not hating!
My illustrious step-father died about 4 1/2 months later if a horrible, fast moving cancer. He never even got to enjoy the proceeds of his ill-gotten thievery from a woman on her death bed! His equally dishonest children will get theirs one day, probably already have. I dismissed it because I know what I did for her. I needed financial help but at the end of the day, I have morals, honor and integrity, all instilled in me by her mother, while my adoptive mother was off chasing the man who left her dying.:)
That is so sad...
aholes in this town

Lexington, SC

#15 Nov 28, 2012
All's it has done is make me dread the future. What pain will I witness or suffer? I'm not strong enough for this shit. I have FOUR children. What if? Ya know? I love so much. There's nothing to look forward to. Its so unfair.
friend

Nashville, TN

#16 Nov 28, 2012
You feel empty and hopeless as all you have is yourself. Without a 'higher being' to lean on, we are left to our own emotions, which more often than not lead us to desperation, suicide, murder, etc. I'm not preaching to you, I'm sharing. I was EXACTLY where you are for at least four years after my own mom's long and painful death, which I am not sharing here. Then, when I needed her most, about four years after she died, she came back to me on that most important day to remind me of advice she had given to me as a child, which was exactly what I needed to hear. I have been a believer since as I KNOW THE TRUTH. May you find rest and peace while taking care of the other loved ones in your own life. That's exactly what she would want you to do.
aholes in this town

Ridgway, PA

#17 Nov 28, 2012
Thank you, friend. I hope that time comes for me soon. I'd really love to believe.

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