LOL...Noah's Ark 2013

_Word Woman_

“See you in the funny papers...”

Since: Mar 13

Location hidden

#1 Jul 11, 2013
In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a Building Permit and I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My homeowners association claim that I've violated the
neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision. Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work and the labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."

“Many have died”

Since: Dec 12

On the road to peace

#2 Jul 11, 2013
In some paragraphs he is in trouble for building the ark, in others he isn't allowed to start building it... In one sentence he's in trouble for confining animals, then the next the epa wouldn't let him start building it...

Whoever wrote this didn't think it through...

_Word Woman_

“See you in the funny papers...”

Since: Mar 13

Location hidden

#3 Jul 11, 2013
whothehellcares- wrote:
In some paragraphs he is in trouble for building the ark, in others he isn't allowed to start building it... In one sentence he's in trouble for confining animals, then the next the epa wouldn't let him start building it...
Whoever wrote this didn't think it through...
Good call...but it still makes a good point re: all of the ridiculous hoops that one has to jump through to get anything accomplished these days!!!

“Many have died”

Since: Dec 12

On the road to peace

#4 Jul 11, 2013
_Word Woman_ wrote:
<quoted text>
Good call...but it still makes a good point re: all of the ridiculous hoops that one has to jump through to get anything accomplished these days!!!
I agree...

One of my favorites is...

They say if you give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, but if you teach a man to fish.... then he's gotta get a fishing license, but he doesn't have any money. So he's got to get a job and get into the Social Security system and pay taxes, and now you're gonna audit the poor cocksucker,'cause he's not really good with math. So he'll pull the IRS van up to your house, and he'll take all his shit, and that all goes up for auction with the burden of proof on you because you forgot to carry the one,'cause you were just worried about eating a fucking fish, and you couldn't even cook the fish 'cause you needed a permit for an open flame. Then the Health Department is going to start asking you a lot of questions about where are you going to dump the scales and the guts.'This is not a sanitary environment', and ladies and gentlemen if you get sick of it all at the end of the day... not even legal to kill yourself in this country. Thanks again, John Ashcroft, you weird bible addict, can't even handle your own drug. You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it, and you wave a flag celebrating it... The only true freedom you find, is when you realize and come to terms with the fact that you are completely and unapologetically fucked, and then you are free to float around the system.

_Word Woman_

“See you in the funny papers...”

Since: Mar 13

Location hidden

#5 Jul 11, 2013
whothehellcares- wrote:
<quoted text>
I agree...
One of my favorites is...
They say if you give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, but if you teach a man to fish.... then he's gotta get a fishing license, but he doesn't have any money. So he's got to get a job and get into the Social Security system and pay taxes, and now you're gonna audit the poor cocksucker,'cause he's not really good with math. So he'll pull the IRS van up to your house, and he'll take all his shit, and that all goes up for auction with the burden of proof on you because you forgot to carry the one,'cause you were just worried about eating a fucking fish, and you couldn't even cook the fish 'cause you needed a permit for an open flame. Then the Health Department is going to start asking you a lot of questions about where are you going to dump the scales and the guts.'This is not a sanitary environment', and ladies and gentlemen if you get sick of it all at the end of the day... not even legal to kill yourself in this country. Thanks again, John Ashcroft, you weird bible addict, can't even handle your own drug. You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it, and you wave a flag celebrating it... The only true freedom you find, is when you realize and come to terms with the fact that you are completely and unapologetically fucked, and then you are free to float around the system.
That one also makes a very poignant point!!!
Heeler

Greeneville, TN

#6 Jul 11, 2013
whothehellcares- wrote:
<quoted text>
I agree...
One of my favorites is...
They say if you give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, but if you teach a man to fish.... then he's gotta get a fishing license, but he doesn't have any money. So he's got to get a job and get into the Social Security system and pay taxes, and now you're gonna audit the poor cocksucker,'cause he's not really good with math. So he'll pull the IRS van up to your house, and he'll take all his shit, and that all goes up for auction with the burden of proof on you because you forgot to carry the one,'cause you were just worried about eating a fucking fish, and you couldn't even cook the fish 'cause you needed a permit for an open flame. Then the Health Department is going to start asking you a lot of questions about where are you going to dump the scales and the guts.'This is not a sanitary environment', and ladies and gentlemen if you get sick of it all at the end of the day... not even legal to kill yourself in this country. Thanks again, John Ashcroft, you weird bible addict, can't even handle your own drug. You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it, and you wave a flag celebrating it... The only true freedom you find, is when you realize and come to terms with the fact that you are completely and unapologetically fucked, and then you are free to float around the system.
That you Jerry??

“Many have died”

Since: Dec 12

On the road to peace

#7 Jul 11, 2013
Heeler wrote:
<quoted text>That you Jerry??
I know a guy named Jerry, but alas, I'm not him...

Since: Jan 11

Greeneville TN

#8 Jul 12, 2013
whothehellcares- wrote:
<quoted text>
I agree...
One of my favorites is...
They say if you give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, but if you teach a man to fish.... then he's gotta get a fishing license, but he doesn't have any money. So he's got to get a job and get into the Social Security system and pay taxes, and now you're gonna audit the poor cocksucker,'cause he's not really good with math. So he'll pull the IRS van up to your house, and he'll take all his shit, and that all goes up for auction with the burden of proof on you because you forgot to carry the one,'cause you were just worried about eating a fucking fish, and you couldn't even cook the fish 'cause you needed a permit for an open flame. Then the Health Department is going to start asking you a lot of questions about where are you going to dump the scales and the guts.'This is not a sanitary environment', and ladies and gentlemen if you get sick of it all at the end of the day... not even legal to kill yourself in this country. Thanks again, John Ashcroft, you weird bible addict, can't even handle your own drug. You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it, and you wave a flag celebrating it... The only true freedom you find, is when you realize and come to terms with the fact that you are completely and unapologetically fucked, and then you are free to float around the system.
That sounds like George Carlin.

Since: Apr 11

Location hidden

#9 Jul 12, 2013
Morgan Freeman will be pissed.

“Many have died”

Since: Dec 12

On the road to peace

#10 Jul 12, 2013
MystDefy wrote:
<quoted text> That sounds like George Carlin.
Doug Stanhope

Since: Jan 11

Greeneville TN

#12 Jul 12, 2013
whothehellcares- wrote:
<quoted text>
Doug Stanhope
Lewis Black also crossed my mind. Thanks for the info.

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Greeneville Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
Cellgate is the biggest of all! 4 min Lockthemallup 3
SPYGATE worse than Watergate 5 min Mueller probe imp... 8
SUMMIT CANCELED, bye bye Nobel prize 6 min Trumpisreallytranny 11
Wesley Holt...really?? 12 min Hmmm 47
Vonda smith 14 min InnocentTilProven... 9
Junkies 16 min get a life 2
Central Park is reopening! 19 min nipple zit 3
President Trump deserves a Nobel Prize 1 hr Carl Spackler 110
Happy memorial day! 9 hr The real really 25

Greeneville Jobs

Personal Finance

Greeneville Mortgages