LMFAO!!! Funny witness tesimony in court...

Posted in the Greeneville Forum

“See you in the funny papers...”

Since: Mar 13

Location hidden

#1 Jul 5, 2013
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Courts" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
__________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
__________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
__________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
__________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
__________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
__________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
__________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
__________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
__________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
__________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Wet Willie

Greeneville, TN

#2 Jul 5, 2013
Thank you! Some of the best laughs I've had in a while.
Jolie

Wadesboro, NC

#3 Jul 5, 2013
That's really great . Looking for more great fun threads, has any one posted one yet with jokes ?

“See you in the funny papers...”

Since: Mar 13

Location hidden

#4 Jul 5, 2013
Wet Willie wrote:
Thank you! Some of the best laughs I've had in a while.
Me too ;)

“See you in the funny papers...”

Since: Mar 13

Location hidden

#5 Jul 5, 2013
Jolie wrote:
That's really great . Looking for more great fun threads, has any one posted one yet with jokes ?
Not that I've seen...there's one with music & one of youtube funnies, but not jokes that I'm aware of...you should start one!!!
:)

Since: Mar 13

Location hidden

#6 Jul 5, 2013
Wet Willie wrote:
Thank you! Some of the best laughs I've had in a while.
I concur.
Agnus

Greeneville, TN

#7 Jul 7, 2013
Funny stuff! Thanx Word Woman.

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