“Time for work”

Since: Sep 07

Location hidden

#555 Nov 20, 2009
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

“Time for work”

Since: Sep 07

Location hidden

#556 Nov 20, 2009
Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
With trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the Report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home...

“lover”

Since: Feb 09

Dorr MI

#557 Nov 22, 2009
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand.'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well,' she began,'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.'My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate her!'
The teacher had to leave the room.




bobolinq

Grand Rapids, MI

#558 Nov 22, 2009
we had magic shop in out neighborhood; one day it's there, the next day it's not ....

i thought i saw superman twice; first it was a bird, next it was a plane ...
Allende

Laconia, NH

#559 Nov 24, 2009
OK...

How many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb has to really WANT to change!
Allende

Laconia, NH

#560 Nov 25, 2009
"knock knock..."

"whose there?"

"F--K..."

"F--K who?"

"F--K YOU!!"

“Cautiously optimistic”

Since: Jan 09

Location hidden

#561 Nov 25, 2009
Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back.

I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

So in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed

Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot,

I quickly open the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

Happy Thanksgiving!
Dennis

Austin, TX

#562 Nov 30, 2009
John Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 am.

While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking,
he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG), and put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and
tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new
electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA), he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO), to see how much he could spend today.

After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA), he got in his car (MADE IN JAPAN), filled it with gas (from SAUDI ARABIA)
he continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his computer (made in MALAYSIA), John decided to relax for a while.

He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.

And now he is hoping he can get help from the president (MADE IN KENYA).

“Go MSU Spartans!”

Since: Oct 08

Kalamazoo, MI

#563 Nov 30, 2009
But Dennis, the jokes here are supposed to be funny!

“Everybody gets one (L)”

Since: Apr 09

Traverse City, MI

#564 Nov 30, 2009
spartanman wrote:
But Dennis, the jokes here are supposed to be funny!
the last line was to me
Dennis

Austin, TX

#565 Dec 1, 2009
Speaking German in Texas

Near Fredericksburg, Texas, where there is a large German-speaking population, a farmer walking down a country road notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.

The farmer shouted: "Trink das wasser nicht! Die kuhen haben DA hinein geschissen!"
(Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in it.")

The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan, I can't understand you. Please speak English."

The farmer replied: "Use two hands, you'll get more!!"
bobolinq

Grand Rapids, MI

#566 Dec 8, 2009
we had a magic shop in our neighborhood ... one day it's was there, the next day it's was gone

i thought i saw superman, twice ... 1st time it was a bird, the second time it was a plane.
Dennis

Wimberley, TX

#567 Dec 14, 2009
Q: What did Tiger Woods do at the strip club?

A: He played 18 holes.
Dennis

Wimberley, TX

#568 Dec 14, 2009
The Power of a Badge.....and a little humility

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher,"I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says,"Okay, but do not go in that field over there,"as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying," Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Longhorn bull......


With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge. Show him your BADGE!!!"
Good Grief

United States

#569 Dec 16, 2009
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
me rval-you not

United States

#570 Dec 16, 2009
Good Grief wrote:
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
Good thing you were able to copy & paste this, huh? I would hate to see what it would look like if people relied on you to spell this many words correctly
snomad

Hudsonville, MI

#571 Dec 16, 2009
Good Grief wrote:
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
LMFAO..........
snomad

Hudsonville, MI

#572 Dec 16, 2009
Cut/paste snip/glue scratch/sniff... hey, its' all good. If @ 10:29pm on a Wednesday night, I am able to find humor in the @ GR Topix Forum, that makes me laugh?... I'm not that particular.
snomad

Hudsonville, MI

#573 Dec 16, 2009
All in all, the best thread. Bump

"Hey, if I was all there, I wouldn't be here".
Good Grief

United States

#574 Dec 17, 2009
HAHAHAAAAA!!!

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
> turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the
> children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
> dismissal.
>
> Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
> leave early today."
>
> Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
> and will answer the question."
>
> Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
>
> Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
>
> Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
>
> Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
>
> Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
>
> Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
>
> Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
>
> Johnny is even madder than before.
>
> Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
>
> Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
>
> Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."
>
> Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
> questions.
>
> When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would
> keep their mouths shut!"
>
> The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
>
> Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Grand Rapids Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
News College football roundup: Ohio State starts the... (Sep '13) 19 min stewart scott 2,058
News Black Bear Spotted In Hartford 1 hr Mason 1
News Want the city to pay for your pothole damage? (Mar '08) Mon Oneal 56
Meat Pies! Sun GoatMilkSaviour 1
Lets Chat (Mar '08) Sun Hudsonville Friend 40,203
Me . . . Morale Day May 24 bobolinq 1
Driving around Grand Rapids naked! (Oct '11) May 21 gun lake exhibiti... 45
More from around the web

Grand Rapids People Search

Addresses and phone numbers for FREE

Personal Finance

Mortgages [ See current mortgage rates ]