Letter from the Queen
Posted in the Fort Scott Forum
#1 Nov 9, 2012
From the Queen of England to the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories .
Your new Prime Minister David Cameron will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect
1 The letter U will be reinstated in words such as colour,favour, labour and neighbour. Likewise, you will learn to spell doughnut without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
2 Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as like and you know is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spelchecker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter u and the elimination of -ize.
3 July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4 You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5 Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6 All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables..
7 The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol which you have been calling gasoline of roughly $10US gallon.
8 You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9 The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10 Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
11 You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds .
12 Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders.
13 You must tell us who killed JFK.
14 An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15 Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries with cream when in season.
God save the Queen!
#2 Nov 10, 2012
16. All subjects shall cancel all appointments with Dentists and refrain from brushing teeth.
#3 Nov 10, 2012
Is this for real? I have not seen anything in the newspaper or on KOAM about this. Is there a story in the Tribune about this?
#4 Nov 10, 2012
What will become of daylight savings time? Will we switch to metric time?
#5 Nov 13, 2012
We have no choice. Our backs are against the wall. Only the American Taliban can save us!!!!!
#6 Nov 14, 2012
Since BIG BEN cannot be heard or seen from across the ocean you will have to use sundials and revert to daylight standard time since daylight savings time serves no purpose.
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