Boston MA (AP)
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
The Boston Regional Office of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, in conjunction with the Massachusetts State Ethics Commission, has released a joint report in response to an unprecedented 934 written and emailed complaints from Fitchburg resident Kevin Lynch that he has been the target of people on online forums alleging that he is an idiot.
FBI Special Agent Rocco Pasta e Fagioli, who was in charge of the FBI team leading the investigation, told the Associated Press that in his 24 years with the Bureau he has never seen a more compelling case for locking a man away in a strait jacket for the rest of his life.“Let me tell you”, Pasta e Fagioli said,“I’ve never seen someone this crazy running for public office before. He insults prospective voters, never has any idea what he is talking about, and calls us every time someone calls him an idiot or points out his lying, slanderous comments. It’s quite unprecedented.”
Lynch, who is a candidate for a Councilor-At-Large seat in Fitchburg this fall, has an extensive arrest record and is well known in Fitchburg for being a buffoon, a jerk and an idiot. He was defeated in a mayoral election two years ago after acting like a jerk and initiating a one man riot on North Street, which resulted in his arrest and incarceration.
FBI Regional Director Martin F.X.“Knocko” O’Minnehan said that his agents had spent months investigating dozens of complaints from Lynch, ranging from a clerk at Tedeschi’s in Moran Square calling him a “looser” to a strange assertion that the Blue Light had poisoned Lynch’s dog Peaches using special microwave technology acquired from the DOD.“We want to be thorough,” Minnehan said,“but this guy’s claims were so wacky that even the boys from the Sandia National Laboratories said that Lynch should be locked away for his own good.”
State Ethics Commission Executive Director Stanley Dombrowsky said that despite having 14 investigators review Lynch’s claims over a total of eight weeks,“We couldn’t understand what he was talking about. We could only conclude that Mr. Lynch is apparently out of his mind.”
Lynch, who had his license to drive revoked after a road rage incident and has been forced to campaign by velocipede, said in a prepared statement released from his mother’s basement that the FBI had been influenced by the Good Old Boy Network and “That Puke Editor from the Fitchburg Sentinel.”