Does anybody know any good jokes ?

Posted in the Falfurrias Forum

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HApPY

Houston, TX

#1 Nov 1, 2012
A good laugh once an a while is good for our heart
joe david q

El Monte, CA

#2 Nov 1, 2012
There's these three guys in the jungle and some Indians catch them and tell them we can kill u right now or you can take a test if u pass u live so they say okay the Indian tell each of them two go get ten pieces of fruit and come back so they do the first guy comes back with ten apples so the Indian says shove them up your ass and if you make one sound Ur dead so he starts on the second one he groans so they kill him well the second guy comes back with ten grapes so the Indian tells him the same thing so he starts putting the grapes in his ass on the ninth one he starts laughing so they kill him he goes to heaven with the first guy the first guy asks him u almost had it why did u start laughing he said I know I almost had it but when I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples I couldn't fuckun help it !!!!
Pol

United States

#3 Nov 1, 2012
Whos the most popular guy at a nudist camp?? The one who can carry 2 cups of coffe and a dozen donuts...
HApPY

Houston, TX

#4 Nov 1, 2012
joe david q wrote:
There's these three guys in the jungle and some Indians catch them and tell them we can kill u right now or you can take a test if u pass u live so they say okay the Indian tell each of them two go get ten pieces of fruit and come back so they do the first guy comes back with ten apples so the Indian says shove them up your ass and if you make one sound Ur dead so he starts on the second one he groans so they kill him well the second guy comes back with ten grapes so the Indian tells him the same thing so he starts putting the grapes in his ass on the ninth one he starts laughing so they kill him he goes to heaven with the first guy the first guy asks him u almost had it why did u start laughing he said I know I almost had it but when I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples I couldn't fuckun help it !!!!
i dont get it
infidels

Houston, TX

#5 Nov 1, 2012
What do you call 100 illegal aliens sitting on a roof?

Chingles
Pol

El Monte, CA

#6 Nov 1, 2012
Whats long,green and smells like pork? kermits finger...:)
HApPY

Houston, TX

#7 Nov 1, 2012
JOKE: one day this man spoke to God and told him : God i wish to be a women and that my wife would be a man, so she can know how hard it is to work 8 hrs a day;; And the next morning he woke up and the guy was a women, he got up made breakfast took the kids to school washed the cloths clean the house and at 2pm picked up the kids from school came back home made somthing to eat,and the husband came home from work sat on the table with his wife and kids and she was all tired by 9pm she goes to bed and the husband gets next to her and askes her to make love to him ..The next moring the man tells God'...God i have learned my lesson now i know being a women is not easy ..so i would like to be a man again and God responded to him; Okay my son.. you will become a man once again..but you would have to wait 9 months because lastnite you came out preganant.....lol
ggggg

United States

#8 Nov 1, 2012
Lol why do nuggets eat tootsie roll with a fork so they don't bite off their fingers lol
infidels

Houston, TX

#10 Nov 1, 2012
ggggg wrote:
Lol why do nuggets eat tootsie roll with a fork so they don't bite off their fingers lol
Dude, lay off the peyote. It's screwing up your head.
voila magic

Alice, TX

#11 Nov 2, 2012
Your birth.

Ha.
ja ja

El Monte, CA

#12 Nov 2, 2012
HApPY wrote:
JOKE: one day this man spoke to God and told him : God i wish to be a women and that my wife would be a man, so she can know how hard it is to work 8 hrs a day;; And the next morning he woke up and the guy was a women, he got up made breakfast took the kids to school washed the cloths clean the house and at 2pm picked up the kids from school came back home made somthing to eat,and the husband came home from work sat on the table with his wife and kids and she was all tired by 9pm she goes to bed and the husband gets next to her and askes her to make love to him ..The next moring the man tells God'...God i have learned my lesson now i know being a women is not easy ..so i would like to be a man again and God responded to him; Okay my son.. you will become a man once again..but you would have to wait 9 months because lastnite you came out preganant.....lol
i loved that one.
ABC

Bellevue, WA

#13 Nov 2, 2012
what u call a jelecious,bak stabber,low life pple.....a resident of falfurrias!!!
infideld

El Monte, CA

#14 Nov 2, 2012
ABC wrote:
what u call a jelecious,bak stabber,low life pple.....a resident of falfurrias!!!
What do you call an illiterate crack head that can't spell but tries to be funny?

Answer : An idiot on topix, named ABC.
Old Folks

Houston, TX

#15 Nov 2, 2012
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody standing around was laughing..

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said; "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but.... I've always wanted to"

There are a few lessons for all of us here:
*Don't be arrogant.
*Don't waste ammunition.
*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
*Always make sure you know who is in control...
*And finally, Don't screw around with old folks; they didn't get old by being stupid....


I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?
A KING

Houston, TX

#16 Nov 2, 2012
A king, who did not believe in the goodness of God, had a slave who, in
every and all circumstances, said:“My king, do not be discouraged,
because everything God does is perfect, no mistakes!”

One day the king and his slave went hunting, and along the way a wild
animal attacked the king. His slave managed to kill the animal, but could not
prevent his majesty from losing a finger.

Furious and without showing his gratitude for being saved, the nobleman
said "Is God good? If He was good, I would not have been attacked and lost my
finger."

The slave replied:"My king, despite all these things, I can only tell you that God is
good and he knows "why" of all these things. What God does is perfect. He is
never wrong!"

Outraged by the response, the king ordered the arrest of his slave.

Later, he left for another hunt and was captured by savages who made
human sacrifices.

On the altar, ready to sacrifice the nobleman, the savages found that
the victim had not one of his fingers, so he was released. According to
them, he was not complete so he could not be offered to the gods.

Upon his return to the palace, he authorized the release of his slave,
then, he received him very affectionately.

"My dear servant, God was really good to me! I was almost killed by the
wild men, but for lack of a single finger, I was let go! But I have a
question: if God is so good, why did he allow me to put you in jail?"

"My King, if I had gone with you on this hunt, I would have been
sacrificed for you, because I have no missing finger; therefore remember,
everything God does is perfect. He is never wrong."

Often we complain about life, and negative things that happen to us,
forgetting that nothing is random and that everything has a purpose.

Every morning, offer your day to God, don't be in a rush.

Ask God to inspire your thoughts, guide your actions, and ease your
feelings. And do not be afraid. God is never wrong!

You know why this message is for you? I do not know, but God knows,
because he never makes mistakes.......

The path of God and his word is perfect, without impurities. He is the
way of all those who trust in Him, as he says in 2 Samuel 22: 31
Maybe

United States

#17 Nov 2, 2012
I like what u just wrote..The King..its something that I knw within me but it helps 2 be reminded..so thank you!
I thought

Houston, TX

#18 Nov 2, 2012
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
WHEN YOU'RE OLD
AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi,was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello,I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
HApPY

Houston, TX

#19 Nov 2, 2012
ja ja wrote:
<quoted text> i loved that one.
thank you
HApPY

Houston, TX

#20 Nov 2, 2012
joke; El gallo le dice ala gallina..Sirveme de comer cabrona !!...y la gallina le contesta...Ha mi no me grites pendejo que aqui la de los huevos soy yo!!...lol
Maybe

United States

#22 Nov 9, 2012
Where did u go.."Old Folks".."A King".."I Thought"..I enjoy readin' ur words of wisdom..

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