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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Sep 18, 2012
DEAR AMY: I'm 27, and several months ago I ended a long-term relationship. I've been on the dating scene for a few months, and every time it's the exact same thing: I'll go on a wonderful date (or two), and then the guy will just stop texting me. I don't understand it.

This past weekend, I met an amazing guy who had every quality I've ever looked for in a guy. He never texted me until after I sent him a mean message. I said it's harsh that he wouldn't at least let me know that he wasn't interested in me. In my text, I told him that now I know he's a write-off. I wish I hadn't sent the text because I guarantee he's a keeper, so I probably messed up!

How can I possibly trust any guy when all guys do the same thing? I recently told one guy I'm not interested because I feel like I'm a dating disaster. He told me not to date jerks. He said he's different. I said, "Hah, heard that before!"

A male friend of mine said that maybe I'm expressing too much interest at the beginning. I've tried the whole "playing hard to get" thing, and it never works either, because then they think I'm not interested! I don't understand it. Guys: You say women are hard to figure out. Well last time I checked, a simple text message wasn't too difficult to master!-- Over It

DEAR OVER IT: Women are hard to figure out. You, for instance. According to your own account, you come on strong, and then when you don't get exactly the response you want or expect, you retaliate. Scary.

The best predictor for relationship success is found in how you treat other people. If you behave like a relaxed, in-charge and open-hearted person, you will attract people who appreciate and share these qualities.

If you behave like a demanding harridan, you'll get what you've already gotten. Being confident, relaxed and laid-back is not "playing hard to get." It's taking the time to make a good and thoughtful choice.

If you are drinking too much and/or becoming physically intimate with a guy soon after meeting him, stop it. You're less likely to be disappointed by a lapsed (or late) text if the stakes are lower. Your focus should be on getting to know someone rather than trashing an entire gender based on your own insecurities.

DEAR AMY: My wife's family and I have a difference of opinion in the amount of cash to give to children on their birthdays.

I think giving an 8-year-old $40 is too much. The child loses the value of the dollar. This creates an entitled generation.

I say any child up to a 5-year-old should get $5, up to 10 is $10, up to 15 is $15, up to 18 is $20. Am I old-fashioned?-- Tom in Portland, Ore.

DEAR TOM: Getting a particular sum of money for a birthday doesn't create an "entitled" generation.

Thoughtful parents help children spend wisely by teaching that a percentage of the child's money should be saved (some parents also ask kids to hold out a percentage of their money to donate to a worthy cause).

For parents who give an allowance, the amounts you favor are more appropriate for that than a special-occasion gift (though you shouldn't give a cash gift to a 5-year-old). I agree that $40 for an 8-year-old sounds like too much, but again, the amount isn't the issue as long as it is handled wisely.

DEAR AMY: "Confused Commuter" asked a good question about the most efficient way to merge two lanes of traffic into one. You quoted a California official who suggested merging early.

In the state of Minnesota, where I live, they encourage and promote a "zipper merge." That's when two lanes travel to the merge point, and then take turns "zipping" the traffic together.-- Minnesota Merger

DEAR MERGER: Many Minnesota readers have told me this. Thank you all.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#2 Sep 18, 2012
L1: Amy is right. The LW is a psycho, and again I'm grateful that I've been married 27 years....

L2: Let's eliminate all this confusion: give the kid what you want and trust the parents to manage it.

L3: Oh zip this!

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#3 Sep 18, 2012
L1: I think you need to put the phone down and back slowly away from the dating world. You're a complete wreck. I think it's GREAT that you send immature, mean texts because those guys are getting a very quick look into who you are as a person (insecure and demanding for starters). Look, you're not worthy of these really great guys, so leave them alone, go find some abusive jerk to give you some drama, and leave the nice guys alone.

L2: It doesn't matter. AS the parent, you get to control where the kid's money goes. X% into savings, X% into spending money, X% into obligations (gifts for friends, bus fare, etc.), X% saving for a specific goal (new video game?). So use your power for good, and stop trying to tell adults how much money they should give your kid.

L3: Yup. Zipper works. Drive all the way to the end, merge in, and laugh at the suckers in the other lane two miles back, crawling along at 5 mph.~Minnesotan!

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#4 Sep 18, 2012
LW1: http://www.google.com/url...

LW2: You cheap bastard. Do you spend $5 on your child's birthday gift? Cause that's what that money is. A birthday gift.

“bELieve”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#5 Sep 18, 2012
LW1- Stop playing games. You are coming across as desperate and no good guy wants to get caught up in that. Focus on yourself and cultivating friendships (with both genders). Forget trying to recreate the security of your last long term relationship and focus on today. When your life is in order and you are happy with yourself, you will be in the right place to start dating again (and not need to ask an advice columnist what to do if you don't click on the date because you'll be ok with your life until you come across Mr. Right For You).

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#6 Sep 18, 2012
1 Well, you sound stable enough, I cant imagine why you are having so much trouble.

2 Give the kid a $20 and call it square

3 Do people really need to be taught this stuff?

“bELieve”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#7 Sep 18, 2012
LW2- are you talking about giving your kids toys, saving money and $X additional to spend on whatever he wants? Are you talking about giving money to a cousin's kid? Are you trying to teach your own child money management?

This question was too vague. FWIW, standard gift for friend bday parties around here seems to be a $20 bill (my kids are now in 1st grade and pre-kindergarten).

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Brooklyn, NY

#8 Sep 18, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L3: Yup. Zipper works. Drive all the way to the end, merge in, and laugh at the suckers in the other lane two miles back, crawling along at 5 mph.~Minnesotan!
That's a good way to cut people off. They'll be laughing at YOU while no one lets you in and makes you sit there.
PEllen

Chicago, IL

#9 Sep 18, 2012
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
That's a good way to cut people off. They'll be laughing at YOU while no one lets you in and makes you sit there.
You need to drive on the north side . This is SOP for the merges on the Kennedy express lanes. AND, people frequently wave a hand to say Go on ahead or Thank you. This happened as recently as about an hour and a half ago.
PEllen

Chicago, IL

#10 Sep 18, 2012
Demanding harridan is pretty strong language. Pretty soon we will see Amy posting on the Topix threads.
(LW deserves the label imo)

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#11 Sep 18, 2012
LW1: You are way too desperate and clingy. The only guy who is going to find that attractive is some guy who will take advantage of that.

I also donít know how you could possibly know that a guy you went on one date with has ďevery quality I've ever looked for in a guy.Ē Really, do you know how dopey that sounds?

I know itís not easy to learn, but have a little confidence. A lot of guys like a little challenge or at least someone who sees themselves as an equal and isnít afraid to have a different opinion and stand up for themselves - not a doormat that is going to fawn over them and tell them how awesome and dreamy they are on the first date.

LW2: I think you must have a lot of free time on your hands to worry about such things.

LW3: Itís a wonder the human species has survived as long as it has...
pde

Homer Glen, IL

#12 Sep 18, 2012
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>You need to drive on the north side . This is SOP for the merges on the Kennedy express lanes. AND, people frequently wave a hand to say Go on ahead or Thank you. This happened as recently as about an hour and a half ago.
Most places where I've dealt with construction traffic and merges around Chicago in recent years, the drivers tend to use the zipper mechanism.

While one or two old cranky men in beaters scream out their car windows at everyone else. Kind of like tilting at windmills.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#13 Sep 18, 2012
L1: My first few thoughts on this letter is that she's wacko. Then I read Tonka's response and cracked up.

L2: C'mon. Tell the truth. You're cheap and really don't want to give a kid a nickel.

L3: Red -- did you write in to Amy?

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#14 Sep 18, 2012
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
That's a good way to cut people off. They'll be laughing at YOU while no one lets you in and makes you sit there.
1. State DOTs SAY to do this. So I do it.

2. I've NEVER not gotten in when I wanted to.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#15 Sep 18, 2012
LW1: The LW will have to look up the definition of harridan.

What Jess said.

LW2: Why don't you just save your cash and give the kid a lecture for his present instead?

LW3: The zipper only works if *everyone* is willing to do it. And I can tell you, people in the greater chicagoland area are not willing.
Sam I Am

Schaumburg, IL

#16 Sep 18, 2012
1. You need to get a t-shirt made that says "Warning - train wreck coming." You just met the guy and you could already tell he has everything you ever wanted? You are desperate and annoying and 13 other kinds of crap guys don't want to deal with. You have some work to do.

2. You're something. It's not what you give, it's how well-equipped the recipient is to handle it.

3. Duh, everyone knows that 4-door cars yield to 2-door cars.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#17 Sep 18, 2012
L1: All else aside, are 27-year-olds THIS hung up on texting? The letter sounds like a 17-yo (or 13-yo) wrote it. Don't people call each other anymore?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#18 Sep 18, 2012
j_m_w wrote:
L1: All else aside, are 27-year-olds THIS hung up on texting? The letter sounds like a 17-yo (or 13-yo) wrote it. Don't people call each other anymore?
Hah! I just read a posting on a website a few days ago about this very subject. Chick was a major texter and barely ever called. The story is irrelevant. The interesting part was the comments. It was so split. Some people hated when people left voice mail. To them, the missed call was enough to call you back. Having to listen to the VM was chore. Other people were of the mind that a missed call did not require a call back. They operated under the assumption that if the caller wanted a call back, they would leave a message or else its not that important. Others simply hated people calling them. Felt like it was an imposition. Felt you should text first to get the permission to call instead of just interupting them.

It was just funny to me that these did not seem to be simply preferences but that anyone who did not think and operate the same way as them were committing a major offense to them.

Its also funny that you ask the question because I've had an medical insurance claim issue that I needed to call about and I really don't care to do it at work. Nothing bad, but I just don't like people here listening to my bidness. So the call has been put off and put off. I just finally logged into the insurance company's website and saw that I could submit questions electronically. Boom! Asked my question. Gave the detail and the back ground. Gave my claim #. Loved it. Didn't have to speak to anyone.

“bELieve”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#19 Sep 18, 2012
j_m_w wrote:
L1: All else aside, are 27-year-olds THIS hung up on texting? The letter sounds like a 17-yo (or 13-yo) wrote it. Don't people call each other anymore?
I have to admit that I have started asking people to send me texts instead of calling or emailing me. Unless it is going to be a long, detailed convo, texting is much more efficient.

For the beginning of a relationship, though, I think it is important to hear the tone and nuances in someone else's voice. Too much can be lost in translation if you rely solely on electronic written communication.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#20 Sep 18, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Hah! I just read a posting on a website a few days ago about this very subject. Chick was a major texter and barely ever called. The story is irrelevant. The interesting part was the comments. It was so split. Some people hated when people left voice mail. To them, the missed call was enough to call you back. Having to listen to the VM was chore. Other people were of the mind that a missed call did not require a call back. They operated under the assumption that if the caller wanted a call back, they would leave a message or else its not that important. Others simply hated people calling them. Felt like it was an imposition. Felt you should text first to get the permission to call instead of just interupting them.
It was just funny to me that these did not seem to be simply preferences but that anyone who did not think and operate the same way as them were committing a major offense to them.
Its also funny that you ask the question because I've had an medical insurance claim issue that I needed to call about and I really don't care to do it at work. Nothing bad, but I just don't like people here listening to my bidness. So the call has been put off and put off. I just finally logged into the insurance company's website and saw that I could submit questions electronically. Boom! Asked my question. Gave the detail and the back ground. Gave my claim #. Loved it. Didn't have to speak to anyone.
ITA with you about the insurance claim. The more I can do online/electronically vs. talking to someone when it comes to that kind of stuff, the better.

But your first paragraph makes me nervous. I'll be single again soon. Is this petty BS what I have to look forward to dealing with when I eventually start dating again?

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