Ask Amy 9-4

[edogxxx]

Dear Amy: How did hostess gifts get way out of hand?

This morning I watched a morning "news" show that had suggestions of expensive gifts or whole baskets full of trinkets to give to hosts.

When I throw a party, I do not expect any gifts.

If someone asks what to bring, I might suggest a food or beverage item to share, but it's certainly not expected. They are my guests.

If I'm invited to a party, I do ask if there is anything I might bring to help contribute, but why should I go out and buy expensive candles or fancy kitchen gadgets to present to my hosts?

I can see maybe bringing flowers or some homemade jam or even produce from my garden, but a basket full of stuff?

I roll up my sleeves and help clean up if the hostess lets me, and I make sure to thank them for the wonderful time. I say, let's say "no" to this retail pressure!

What do you think?

— Small Town Gal

Dear Gal: Thank you for bringing up one of my current peeves.

I blame goody bags.

Let me explain.

By granting every young guest at a birthday party a bag filled with goodies, we are establishing and perpetuating an idea that every act of generosity is reciprocal. You give a gift? You get a gift. You throw a dinner party? Your guests are bound to bring gifts or contributions.

I think most hosts are like you (and me)— happy to entertain with no thought of a gift.

You can assume that the current fad for "hostess gifts" springs from an enterprising commercial impulse to create a need where none exists. Morning "news" shows have roughly seven hours each day of programming to fill — and, like the goody basket you describe, these hours are filled mainly with useless trinkets.

Dear Amy: As our parents get older, their good hygiene habits have diminished.

They don't use soap after using the toilet (at home or in restaurants) and bathe very infrequently.

We don't have any appetite to eat at their home and we don't use their bathroom because the seat is greasy. They don't seem to think this is a problem.

Should we tell them the truth, which would really hurt their feelings, or should we continue to make comments such as, "We just ate, but thanks for the offer?"

My parents do not have any health issues, they are both mobile and capable of driving and walking, etc.

— Disgusted Offspring

Dear Disgusted: As we age, our senses dull. Your parents may not see and smell the results of their hygiene issues. They may not hear correctly or understand your passive-aggressive comments.

I can imagine how disappointed they would be to learn that rather than simply pitch in to help, their children are avoiding their home and claim to be "disgusted" by them.

Your parents obviously need help. So lend a hand. You and your siblings should offer to come to their house on a Saturday to "deep clean" their house. One sibling should bring or make them a healthy meal and entertain them at the kitchen table (or take them out) while the others work.

Say, "I bet there are chores you need us to do, light bulbs to change, sheets to launder, and maybe we can run the vacuum. You get to order us around and we'll do exactly what you want."

It would be thoughtful of you to either clean for your parents regularly or hire someone to assist them.

Professional elder caregivers can help older people with bathing and housework, and it sounds as if your parents are at a stage where this assistance is necessary. If this is framed as a loving offer, even if your parents are prickly, they should entertain the idea.

Dear Amy: Your response to the "Lakeside Neighbors," whose neighbors played loud music, was right on. We had neighbors behind us who installed outside speakers on their deck.

One day the music was playing loudly.

I dragged my speakers outside and blasted them with a healthy dose of Beethoven. We haven't had any further problem!

— Lin

Dear Lin: Ludwig strikes again!

[Jess in NJ]

LW1 - I agree, but why are you watching those morning shows and taking them so literally?

LW2 - Why can't you just talk to your parents? If you can't talk about this, what happens when you need to discuss finances or whether they should still be driving? It doesn't get any easier from here.

LW3 - I can't stand passive-aggressive BS.

[RACE]

1 Girl stuff dont care. I bring my beer and a bottle of wine.

2 Hire a maid.

3 I would have played lady gaga!

[edogxxx]

LW1: Lady, go back to conversing with the invisible faries and dressing up your cats and stop writing in to Amy. If you want to talk to a real person, talk to your psychologist.

LW2: I liked Amy's advice. After you and your other siblings to a "deep clean," then arrange for a maid to come every month or so.

LW3: If you were my neighbor it would be "on." I'd BLARE death metal. What's wrong with letting your neighbors enjoy their music out on their deck? If it's so loud as to actually disturb you inside your home, they're likely violating local noise ordinances. I suspect though that you're probably just being a btchy neighbor.

[Kuuipo]

LW1 - I agree! I have too much stuff already, please just come to visit and don't bring anything!

LW2 - I gave my mom a gift certificate for Merry Maids and she *loved* it and hired a maid from then on. I'm pretty sure that the parents would appreciate the help.

LW3 - I agree with edog that if it happened ONE time, I could let the neighbors enjoy their music. If it was a continual thing, LW's approach apparently worked. So does going over to their house and asking them to keep the volume reasonable.

[itser]

Wait. Wait. Wait.

The toilet seat is GREASY???
No. Never mind. Sorry I brought it up, cuz I REALLY don't want to know what is on there. Ewww. Give them a gift certificate for a cleaning service.

Yesterday, I got home and the neighbor's were working out in their yard, and had put speakers in the window, with the music cranked all the way up.
I was in a crazy vengeful kind of mood so I walked over and asked them to turn it down. They did.
The end.

[Andie J]

L1- If I ever get to the point where I watch Good Morning America or the Today Show, or the worst- Oprah, please kill me.
L2- Why don't you just start cleaning without making a production of it? And how is it you know how often they bathe & whether or not they use soap after using the toilet? Are you checking to see if the bar of soap is wet? If you can talk to them about those issues, you can certainly tell them you're going to clean their house.
L3- My neighbor is a DJ. I don't like it when he plays the Celine Dion CDs. But it's never so loud as to be annoying.

[Pixx]

1: I'd much rather have a jar of homemade jam than a kitchen gadget. As long as LW2's parents didn't make it, that is.

2: People get downright offended when you try to tactfully bring up a lack of hygiene. It has happened to me with two roommates and a grandparent (Grandma was licking her hands and using them to touch the food she was making). It does not go well.

3: Yeah, I'd probably be the offending neighbor in the first place. >:} I seriously love me some loud music, especially when I am drinking, cleaning, or driving.