Dear Abby 9-4

[edogxxx]

THIS DESIGNATED DRIVER NEEDS A REFRESHER COURSE

DEAR ABBY: A few weeks ago, I met a group of friends at a local pub. "Charlie" was the designated driver. As the evening progressed, I noticed Charlie was drinking beer. When I mentioned it, he said he'd had only three. Then he insisted he was fine and "it was only beer."

I tried to explain the danger of driving while "buzzed" and told him I'd walk home. Charlie then became insulted that I didn't trust him to know his limits. He said I should relax and quit being so uptight.

A few days later, some of my friends told me I had caused "unnecessary drama" that night and that my standards for the designated driver were "unrealistic." They also said that Charlie wasn't drunk and was totally capable of driving. But the fact remains, our designated driver wasn't sober, and I wasn't comfortable getting into a car with him.

I voiced my opinion; now I'm being punished for it. Did I judge Charlie too harshly?-- VALUES MY SAFETY, DAVIS, CALIF.

DEAR VALUES YOUR SAFETY: Not in my book, and not in the one published by the California Department of Motor Vehicles. In its California Drivers Handbook, under the section titled "Designated Driver Program," it lists the requirements for someone to be a designated driver. Among them: "Must abstain from consuming alcoholic beverages for the duration of the outing." That means not drinking anything with alcohol in it. Zilch!

You were right to speak up. In the future, if you decide to socialize with these folks, arrange to meet them. And if the location is not within walking distance, take a cab.

DEAR ABBY: "Tracey" is beautiful, caring and fun to spend time with. I fell hard for her and knew I could love her forever. When she broke up with me to "be on her own," I was very hurt.

My best friend, "Henry," says he started sleeping with Tracey right after our breakup. I was his best man when he married "Jill." Now Henry has left Jill for Tracey, and I am left with a sick stomach. How do I heal my wounds while supporting Jill, which keeps them painfully open?-- HEARTSICK IN OHIO

DEAR HEARTSICK: One way would be to remind yourself that as "caring and fun" as Tracey was to be with, she had no reluctance about dating a married man. Another would be to level with Jill, explain that spending time with her is a painful reminder of the way you were dumped, and take a break from it until you have healed.

DEAR ABBY: I became fast friends with one of my husband's co-workers after meeting her at a happy hour. We had fun going out, usually to dance clubs.

One night when my husband tagged along, I overheard her tell him, "If you weren't married, I could be with you." When I confronted her about it the next night, she apologized, saying she had been feeling no pain and can't believe she said it. My husband chalks it up to her being stupid drunk, but I can't let it go.

Now when I see her at work functions, I am cordial and she acts like nothing ever happened. We could have been great friends if she hadn't said what she did, but each time I think I can bury the hatchet, I get angry and upset all over again.

Should I just get over it? Or am I justified in feeling I can't be friends with someone I can't trust?-- DISTRUSTFUL IN ILLINOIS

DEAR DISTRUSTFUL: You're justified. And I'm saying it cold sober.

[Jess in NJ]

LW1 - Are you kidding me? He was the DD and he had ONLY had 3 beers at that point in the evening? I don't even want to know how much the others were drinking. Of course you made the right decision. Find some new friends to hang out with.

LW2 - Ugh. You are suffering two break-ups here - one with your girlfriend and one with your best friend. Right now, you need to support yourself, not Jill.

LW3 - Your husband was flattered, which is why he excused it, and he sees this woman every day at work, which means that he cannot simply cut her out of his life.

You have a decision to make. If her apology seemed genuine, you can choose to accept it. People make mistakes and say stupid things (especially when they are out drinking at clubs). If she has never acted inappropriately toward your husband (except for that once) and she had otherwise shown herself to be a good friend then maybe you can find a way to get past this. However, you don't have to. You can choose who you want to be friends with and you are completely within your rights to keep this woman as simply an acquaintance who didn't pass the smell test.

[RACE]

1 While 3 beers, is an appitizer for me, I have to concede that the DD has to be sober, not just legal to drive. You were right.

2 What jess said. Oh, she was probably banging your best friend before the break up. Go bag Jill.

3 Dont get your panties in a twist. Lighten up, its actually a compliment to you too.

[edogxxx]

LW1: Whenever I'm the designated driver, I don't drink anything stronger than diet coke. Shaken, not stirred, on the rocks. However, I don't think three beers throughout the duration of the entire evening is really a problem. I can understand where you're coming from, but I think you were a little uptight.

LW2: What's your problem? Start banging Jill.

LW3: Jeezus, you're a jealous and bitter pill. Let it go. Or invite her into the bedroom.

[itser]

LW1, I wonder if the "unnecessary drama" was about what she said, or how she said it. For the record, I agree with her, and I would have done the same. But how did she approach this? Calmly say she wasn't comfortable riding with him and she was going to walk? Or a screaming hissy fit? Once again, I would like more info.

LW2, I would suggest that you and Jill both enlarge your circle of friends. Yeah, it's good to have old friends to lean on through the bad times, but sometimes you need new faces to get going in a new direction. And right now, I suspect that the two of you just feed each other's misery.

LW3 would be smart to get past this. Stay friends or don't, but it's not a good idea to get hostile about it. It would just be justification for them to mess around..."hey, if she's going to be mad at us for it anyhow..."

[Andie J]

L1- Itser got it right. DD means NO drinking, even "just" beer.
L2- Grow a pair. Tracey is a tramp & Jill is wallowing in her own misery.
L3- Same with you. Get a spine installed. You don't have to be friends with her, but I don't think she really meant anything by her remark. The liquor was talking.

[Life s a Beech]

The same advise to all these folks.....

Move on and find better friends