Charlene

Deerfield, IL

#1 Sep 23, 2012
Dear Amy: We purchased my father-in-law's home from his estate a year ago. We understood that my brother-in-law came with the home, as he'd been living here rent free since the family moved in 50 years ago. At first we did not ask for rent and he never offered to help with living expenses (not even food, even though he eats most of his meals with us).

My husband, our three kids and I are waiting for him to leave so we can fully move in. He inherited enough money to buy a modest home of his own, but has been procrastinating. Eventually we asked him to pay a reasonable rent, or contribute an equal value in labor on the numerous repairs needed on the house, but we've never gotten a dime in rent or labor.

We also asked that he remove more of his things from the basement, etc. so we can unpack and start to use our own possessions. As the one-year mark approached, we gave him a three-month deadline to move out. A month has gone by and he has not done anything. Still no rent.

This is causing considerable anxiety for us. I don't know if my husband will have the gumption to kick him out on the deadline. I told my husband I've reached my limit, and I will move in with my mom until he is out. What would you do?

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated: I wish I could turn back the calendar to wave a giant red flag in front of your family and warn you, "This will end in tears." I don't disagree with your choice to move out, as long as you accept that your ultimatum might not work.

This man has lived in the home for his entire life (I assume). He has never paid for housing or living expenses (I assume), and now you think that he will somehow magically get it together to the extent that he will leave?

Your brother-in-law has legal rights, and if he doesn't choose to move, it could be more complicated than you think to force him to pay rent or move.

A family mediator might help you negotiate a reasonable way out of this. My view is that he should probably not be pressured to purchase a home but should look for something to rent as a transition.

Dear Amy: My wife and I are about to celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary. Our marriage has been a strong partnership with two grown children. I guess I am more sentimental about our 40th anniversary because I am not in the best of health. I had hoped to celebrate on the exact date of our anniversary, doing something meaningful and memorable with my wife.

However, my wife has her treasured monthly book club meeting on that night. I had hoped she might be willing to skip this meeting and spend it with me on this special day, but she seems to think we can just celebrate another time. I feel brokenhearted, and I'm not sure how to feel about her decision.

Sad Husband

Dear Sad: You do know how to feel. You feel brokenhearted. I agree that this is a special date, and I agree that you should have an expectation to celebrate with your wife on this date.

You cannot control how you feel, but if you are at an impasse, you might feel better if you planned a small gesture on the date itself. You might think that you were rewarding your wife for being intractable, but if you got a bottle of champagne to share with her on that night, it might help you.

Dear Amy: "Worried Mom" was extremely concerned that her baby sitter was possibly reading a book on the job. I'd give anything to have that problem. You should have told her that she was being extremely overprotective.

Relaxed Mom

Dear Mom: I agree with you. But given the level of this mother's anxiety, she should educate her baby sitter on her exact expectations.

Since: Mar 09

Boynton Beach, FL

#2 Sep 23, 2012
L1: Boy, did you walk right into a mess with blinders on. I wonder why FIL didn't will the house to the person already living there and leave whatever stuff he left that guy to other family members. Anyway, the intern is on her game as usual.

L2: First, have you told your wife how you feel? If so, and she still doesn't want to skip her book club meeting, maybe you can plan to watch a movie together after she gets home and give each other backrubs or something, and then make dinner reservations for the nearest weekend.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#3 Sep 23, 2012
What are the chances that LW1's brother-in-law took care of that father--and, possibly, their mother before that (and gave up opportunities/promotions, etc. that LW1 is not even aware of) in order to see that the father-in-law got acceptable treatment in his final days? Is
that brother-in-law really the problem LW1 thinks he is--or is there more to this story?

Would LW2 be willing to take his wife to lunch for that anniversary and plan an activity or two outside the book club?

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#4 Sep 23, 2012
LW1, first off, quit feeding the mooch. If he wants to eat, he can buy his own food or go out for it.
Not another meal. While you might not be able to keep him from eating your food while your gone, you sure as heck don't have to share food YOU have bought and prepared with him.
Second, start legal eviction proceedings, NOW. Don't wait, get it going ASAP. It may take months as it is, sooner started, sooner done.
THIS is exactly the sort of thing I used to see in the future for one family I know, but now that they are renting too, it won't be a family problem, but the landlord's when they die.(unless they get him out before then)
I knew it

Oak Brook, IL

#5 Sep 23, 2012
dear amy I am in love with this man. I have loved him for almost ten years. we have kissed, and we have had moments together but nothing hard core. I like and even feel like I love him. He knows this, yet we never got together. that is kinda on me too, as a person inferred that he might have aids. I was broken hearted when I heard that, we briefed the subject, but i did not follow up. I really liked feeln like I love him without knowing the truth. then on top of it I think he's now married. In the morning I will see him. I am planning on being straight forward. what do you think about this.
just cute

Oak Brook, IL

#6 Sep 23, 2012
In your second sentence you stated " WE U-N-D-E-R-S-T-O-O-D that my BROTHER-in-law CAME WITH THE HOME." So now you have the house have you forgotten the part where this was clear to your understanding. Now wife, this must be your husbands brother. I don't think hes going to throw his brother out into the streets, and you should not expect him to . There may be some issues going on with the brother that you dont understand.
for you to pressure your husband to choose between you ( WHO UNDERSTOOD THE BROTHER IN LAW CAME WITH THE HOUSE) and his blood/ or assumed family member is wrong. Why didnt you stay with your mom when you found out the brother came with the house. How would you feel if this house burned down, and you all had to stay with your mom and she said you can come, but your husband have to find him a place of his own until he can afford to support you and his children. Yes this throws you into an unfamiliar place and a hurtful one as well. Consider this is his family. think of a constructive way to make it work.
Charlene wrote:
Dear Amy: We purchased my father-in-law's home from his estate a year ago. We understood that my brother-in-law came with the home, as he'd been living here rent free since the family moved in 50 years ago. At first we did not ask for rent and he never offered to help with living expenses (not even food, even though he eats most of his meals with us).
My husband, our three kids and I are waiting for him to leave so we can fully move in. He inherited enough money to buy a modest home of his own, but has been procrastinating. Eventually we asked him to pay a reasonable rent, or contribute an equal value in labor on the numerous repairs needed on the house, but we've never gotten a dime in rent or labor.
We also asked that he remove more of his things from the basement, etc. so we can unpack and start to use our own possessions. As the one-year mark approached, we gave him a three-month deadline to move out. A month has gone by and he has not done anything. Still no rent.
This is causing considerable anxiety for us. I don't know if my husband will have the gumption to kick him out on the deadline. I told my husband I've reached my limit, and I will move in with my mom until he is out. What would you do?

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#7 Sep 23, 2012
L1: You likely will have to formally evict him.

Good luck with that.

L2: Wow. Nick expressed disappointment that i would even consider going to my beloved monthly poker game on the weekend of our anniversary. Our anniversary was Saturday, but he had the kids that night, so he wanted to do it Friday. I didn't think he'd care. I apologized, withdrew from the tournament, and we went out and had a great time. AND THAT'S FOR ONE YEAR OF DATING. 40 years of marriage and she wants to go to book club?

Your wife sucks.

L3: No, if the mom is that insane, she shouldn't have a babysitter ever.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#8 Sep 23, 2012
not a ghost wrote:
What are the chances that LW1's brother-in-law took care of that father--and, possibly, their mother before that (and gave up opportunities/promotions, etc. that LW1 is not even aware of) in order to see that the father-in-law got acceptable treatment in his final days? Is
that brother-in-law really the problem LW1 thinks he is--or is there more to this story?
I think it's highly likely that 51yo brother is loserish in a variety of ways.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#9 Sep 23, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
I think it's highly likely that 51yo brother is loserish in a variety of ways.
Bingo. I'd bet serious change on it.
LW doesn't have many good choices. She may just have to live with loser BIL for the forseeable future.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#10 Sep 24, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
40 years of marriage and she wants to go to book club?
Your wife sucks.
hah! I can't remember the last time my parents celebrated their anniversary. stayed together out of convenience and familiarity. I mentioned to my wife it was their 40th anniversary. Just to make conversation. Then my dad happened to call, and she blurted out "happy anniversary" to him(she should know better). He was like "what?" Had no clue.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#11 Sep 24, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L2: Wow. Nick expressed disappointment that i would even consider going to my beloved monthly poker game on the weekend of our anniversary. Our anniversary was Saturday, but he had the kids that night, so he wanted to do it Friday. I didn't think he'd care. I apologized, withdrew from the tournament, and we went out and had a great time. AND THAT'S FOR ONE YEAR OF DATING. 40 years of marriage and she wants to go to book club?
Your wife sucks.
You're right.

My initial response was to suggest a form of compromise, but thank you for putting this in perspective. Forty years of marriage is nothing to sneeze at and should be celebrated and honored.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#12 Sep 24, 2012
LW1: The problem is your husband lacks a spine, and you probably have known this before you bought the house, which makes your decision to buy it dumb. You should have told your husband no way are you buying a home for his loser brother to live in. But seeing as how you did, you have to ask whether jeopardizing your marriage over your own poor decision making is worth it.

LW2: I think your wife is selfish. I can tell you I would have never made it 40 years with her. I suspect you only made it 40 years, cause youve been a perpetual doormat for 40 years.

Id blow of the anniversary and see if some buddies wanted to go to Vegas for the weekend.

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Elk Grove Village Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
News BARACK OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE: Suit contesting... (Jan '09) 13 min Dr Guru 239,297
News Barack Obama, our next President (Nov '08) 46 min No Surprize 1,508,093
{keep A word drop A word} (Oct '11) 2 hr SweLL GirL 10,492
Ron Kessler's observations about Presidents etc. 3 hr Good info 2
Obama has LEAK under sink. 4 hr Undersink Obumbler 34
This doesn't seem fair to me. 4 hr Fascists R Star 8
Topix Chitown Regulars (Aug '09) 7 hr Mister Tonka 105,049

Elk Grove Village Jobs

More from around the web

Personal Finance

Elk Grove Village Mortgages