Knock off purse seller

Denver, CO

#992 Sep 15, 2012
What to say to an idiot:

"I'd like to introduce you to a stranger...YOUR BRAIN! Oh that's right...your mother taught you NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS!"
funny stuff

Kingston, Jamaica

#993 Oct 13, 2012
Anger Management

David to son: "When I punish you how do you control your anger?"

Son: "I start cleaning toilet."

David: "How does that satisfy you?"

Son: "I clean it with your toothbrush."

funny stuff

Kingston, Jamaica

#994 Oct 13, 2012
Family Mix-Up

Wayne went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married. His father was happy for him. He asked Wayne who the girl was, and he told him that it was Pamela, a girl from the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to Wayne,'I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.'

Wayne again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated cause the response was still the same. So he decides to go to his mother.

'Mama I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.' His mother smiling said to him,'Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son!!

funny stuff

Kingston, Jamaica

#995 Oct 13, 2012
Impulsive Wife

Charmaine comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband Andrew there, reading a magazine. Andrew says: "Hi Darling, Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Hope you said Hello to them"

funny stuff

Kingston, Jamaica

#996 Oct 13, 2012
Work Phone

The phone bill was exceptionally high. Delano called a family meeting to discuss. Delano: "This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone".

Wife: "Me too. I hardly use the home phone." Son: I use my office mobile I never use the home phone. All of them shocked and together look at the maid who's patiently listening to them.

Maid: "What? So we all use our work phones. What's the Big deal?

Cris Jerico

United States

#999 Dec 13, 2013
A match once ended 3-1 which Van Hooijdonk played. He scored 2 freekicks. Some of the fans complained that the reason they lost was that the referee gave away too many penalties

Coventry, UK

#1001 Jan 31, 2014
Q-What has no eyes and no nose
A- no idea
Joe Mamma

Denver, CO

#1002 Jan 31, 2014
Respect 71, Sniper II, Brian G. and all the rest of his socks are a joke! LOL

United States

#1003 Jan 31, 2014
I heard this joke about Ophar Wilfrey. I forget the first part but the punchline is...Not on my melons you don't!

d pantz

San Antonio, TX

#1004 Feb 2, 2014
I hope nobody posted this one yet...
d pantz

San Antonio, TX

#1005 Feb 2, 2014
The following scene took place on a BA flight between Johannesburg and London. A white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man. Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air Hostess.

"Madam, what is the matter?" the hostess asked

"You obviously do not see it then?" she responded. "You placed me next to a black man. I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat."

"Be calm please", the hostess replied. Almost all the places on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is available."

The Hostess went away and then came back a few minutes later "Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats in the economy class. I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there is also no seat in the business class. All the same, we still have one place in the first class." Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued. "It is not usual for our company to permit someone from the economy class to sit in the first class However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone sooooo disgusting."

She turned to the black guy, and said. "Therefore, Sir, if you would like to, please take your hand luggage because a seat awaits you in the first class. " At the moment, the other passengers who were shocked by what they had just witnessed stood up and applauded.
Michael gatien

Ann Arbor, MI

#1006 Feb 5, 2014
a couple with no children were inside and were winding down and getting ready for bed when the wife told her husband "Draw the curtains". He said "ok" and went to get his sketch pad. A few minutes later, no curtains were drawn but the husband said "I am drawing them, am I not. The wife says "I didn't LITERALLY mean to draw them, I meant for you to close them. "Oh" said the husband, "just next time tell me to close the curtains.
smile awhile

Norwich, UK

#1008 Feb 18, 2014
my wife is kinky when we go to bed she always draws the curtains' OPEN' then she says have you got a gag for me' I said that's alright you dont talk that much' then I said would you like a lttle something to wet your appetite' she said that's your best gag this yea i said yes dear and you are known for your big appetite;
smile awhile

Norwich, UK

#1009 Feb 18, 2014
my wife is kinky when we go to bed she always draws the curtains' OPEN' then she says have you got a gag for me' I said that's alright you dont talk that much' then I said would you like a lttle something to wet your appetite' she said that's your best gag this year i said yes dear and you are known for your big appetite
andy langham

Coventry, UK

#1011 Feb 25, 2016
i am an average guy who just got married and now after 1 year she has put a massive amount of weight'on i like fat people but she gets me very embarrassed especially when we go to the super market' she get stuck between the checkout tills' and on the bus i have to now buy 3 tickets' one for me and two for her' and when we go on holiday the life guard says sorry but can you get your wife off the beach so we can let the tide come in' so my friend said if you cant beat um join em' so ive starting eating alot' in the end we both had to go to the doctors' he told us to take our clothes off w he then said he wasnt felling to well because he was seeing pink elephants' just cant win can yer'
Archie Bunker

Englewood, CO

#1012 Feb 26, 2016
Last week, John Elway and Peyton Manning were walking
down the street, talking and passing a football back and
forth between them.
As they continued down the street, Elway looked over into
a yard and saw an old Tennessee hound dog licking his
private parts.
Elway looks over at Peyton and said, Peyton, I wish I could
do that.
Peyton said, John, if you go over and pet his head, I bet
he will let you lick his privates!
Mark Rosenkranz

Pleasanton, CA

#1013 Mar 3, 2016
A friend of mine, was upset with her boyfriend. She asked him to work out with her. He said," I do not need to workout. I have a full head of hair." When she told me this, I started to laugh. She laughed with me. We both were cracking up. She said to me, "do you have any idea of what he meant by saying that?" I said, "no." THIS REALLY HAPPENED Monday February 29, 2016

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#1016 Apr 20, 2017
The teacher said to his class one day, "Please stand up, anyone who thinks they're stupid."
Nobody stood up so the teacher said, "I'm sure there are some stupid students in this class!"

At this point Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Oh Johnny! So you think you're stupid then?"

Little Johnny replied, "No, I just felt bad that you were standing up on your own."

New York, NY

#1018 Oct 23, 2017
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because the chicken told so many corny jokes, it 'crossed' the bad-tempered anthropomorphic road. LOL

And there's more where that came from:

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#1019 Oct 23, 2017
The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word "definitely" in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies: "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says: "Of course not Johnny."

To which Johnny replies: "Then I have definitely shyte my pants."

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