what do i do with my child who wants ...

what do i do with my child who wants to act gothic

Created by MLE on Mar 3, 2009

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get her a counselor?

let her be herself?

ground her?

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Parent

Corbin, KY

#1 Mar 3, 2009
Usually it's just a phase. Kids go through a lot of stuff trying to figure out who they are. Also, kids will change many times while they are growing up. Next week she could decide that she wants to be a cheerleader. It will be okay. She is the same girl under all of that make-up and dark clothing.
Old Man

Somerset, KY

#2 Mar 3, 2009
Be thankful she is not on drugs or into prostitution or worse. Most people think that kids that dress and look Goth or Emo are into drugs and the like, but not always true. It is just like being preppy or whatever else it is a way to discover who you are. I'm old but I remember as a kid going thru the same thing. But back then it was long hair and bell bottoms for the boys and girls with mini skirts and braless. It was our way of rebelling trying to become an individual and not knowing exactly how. Also a way to draw attention and today is worse because both parents work and have less time for the children, unless their into some kind of school activity. So don't worry about it, talk to them about the evils of drugs, which leads to all the other bad things such as prostitution, stealing and worse. And just pray that your kid will turn out O.K.
Mom of 3

Gray, KY

#3 Mar 3, 2009
I agree with Parent, as it's likely a phase. Kids struggle with their identity during their high school years (and often beyond). Your daughter is conflicted...Maybe she wants to be recognized as an individual and feels like "dressing/looking like everyone else" keeps people from seeing her for who she truly is. Or she doesn't want to be seen as just a pretty face and by being Gothic, she feels it will take the focus off of that or She could be seeking attention. Or it could be as simple as she was drawn to someone who is Goth and she wants to pursue the friendship and feels that going Goth is the only way. Really it could be a number of things. But my philosphy with my own kids is this: If the way that they dress or look is the only thing I have to worry about with them - I consider myself to be very fortunate. She is and always will be the same girl under the clothes, make-up or whatever accesories that she chooses to wear. Be confident in your abilities as a parent; in knowing what you have taught her will always be with her. and Have faith in her-always and Everything will be just fine.
With that said, If you should notice other changes such as mood, withdrawal or anything that concerns you - That is when to be concerned and to seek help to see if underlying problems exist. Depression is so common in teens, so parents must always be on the watch.
[My apologies in advance for any misspellings or typos..I'm typing blindly this morning :)]
Mommy of 2 one on the way

Okolona, AR

#4 Mar 3, 2009
My advice is this... just keep the lines of communication open. Keep boundaries on what extent they can be goth or any other current fad/clique. They will change and are trying to figure out what place they have in life. As I was growing up I would transition from style to style until I found me. Also as "Mom of 3" stated watch for warning signs... withdrawal, mood changes, and one key with most who want to be Emo or Goth is to watch for self mutilation. Not all kids do it that have this style or outlook. But there are several that take to cutting and such. Be open to why she is drawn to this style and let her know you support her but there are boundaries that she isn't to cross. Hope this may help.
a mom

London, KY

#5 Mar 3, 2009
My son went through the goth phase a couple of years ago. Usually it is short lived. He thought black was all that a store should sell. Bought all the got jewelry, wanted the piercings, listened to screamo, then thank goodness...it left, lol. There are several ways to tell if there is more to the picture...drops in grades, no communication, withdrawal from family and friends, severe mood swings and all around hatefulness. If your child starts showing any thing out of the ordinary; get them help immediately. I think a child sees other kids doing it and they are bound to try it once. They will eventually find themselves. When mine went through that stage, I thought I was gonna scream. But then I got to thinking, I used to be the wigged-out teenager who listened to Quiet Riot and Twisted Sister, wore holey black jeans and mary jane t-shirts and tormented my parents to no ends too. I found out Banging my head wasnt so productive and I realized my son would find it out too. Just remember to watch for the warning signs.
No No No

London, KY

#6 Mar 3, 2009
Wrong, wrong, wrong to all of the above. I think the key words in this is "child who wants to" tell the CHILD NO. A child should not be allowed to do anything that a parent disagrees with. Tell them NO. Don't buy the crap for them. Its that simple. Todays parents are to concerned with hurting the childs feelings or lord forbid make them mad. Its crap. Don't allow your child to walk around like a freak and be teased by everyone. My children have gone through some changes but never anything like that. They know it is not acceptable and will not happen. I have two children both in there late teens. They are wonderful and it is looking like they will be wonderful adults. So do not listen to all this just say NO!
athought

Corbin, KY

#7 Mar 3, 2009
Well you could have grounded them in a church and helped them figure out who they are throughout life so they wouldn't have had this crisis now. If they will do all of this to stand out what else will they do. It starts at home. Every child has a social, physical, mental and Spiritual well being that must be addressed. Too many parents leave out the spiritual training and leave that up to the world. Congratulations, the worlds standards aren't quite what we should want for our children.

Since: Mar 09

London, KY

#8 Mar 3, 2009
Tell them gothic is so mid 90s.. emo is the new fad.

that's sarcasm talking though, it's just a phase and they'll grow out of it after the sudden rush of attention they get from it subsides.
gigs-up

Annville, KY

#9 Mar 3, 2009
No No No wrote:
Wrong, wrong, wrong to all of the above. just say NO!
i agree and commend you on your actions. parents today have lost all control of there kids. where is the respect and discipline we were taught as kids? for heavens sake people.. your should be raising your child to be the best they can be and better then you were raised. letting them experiment with dress, attidude, grades, goth music etc. is like handing them a pile of drugs and saying it's only temporary and they will grow out of it..these parents should be beaten till they ask why are you doing this. and then we can tell them i went through and anger phase, but i'm over it now..... having kids should require a license.

Since: Feb 09

Monticello, KY

#10 Mar 3, 2009
Wow...I was nodding my head in agreement until the last two posts. Kids go through phases, plain and simple. If you tell your child no, they cannot be themselves and express themselves (within reason) of course, there will be problems. If you think your child isnt doing anything, he/she is probably the one sneaking clothes to school...or worse, drinking or using drugs. My brother went through MANY phases, I did not. He chose his path in life just as I did. He was gothic, punk, hippie...depending on his mood. LOL and the phases never lasted long! We came from a decent home, and my parents always told him if they didnt approve of something (like skirts during his really goth stage) but they never once told him he couldnt be himself. He grew up just fine, a very unique individual whom everyone loves and adores. Religion has zero to do with any kids choice of what to wear. I think alot of parents choose to tell children how they should be and ruin all individualism...teenagers need to explore their inner selves to find out who they are, and if dressing differently helps them find that out, who are we to try and supress them? As long as its within boundries and nobody is getting hurt. They are only freaks in small towns with closed minds, walk down the street in Minneapolis MN or San Diego, CA and see how everyone just blends in, no matter how different they are!! And as for my brother, he was married last year to his girlfriend of 7 years (they are only 28) and he wore a kilt!! He recieved so many compliments...it was crazy, wonderful and completely him!!
Just a Girl

London, KY

#11 Mar 3, 2009
There is nothing wrong with letting a person be themself and expressing themself how they feel they need to. As long as no one is getting hurt don't worry about it. It will run its course.

Since: Mar 09

London, KY

#12 Mar 3, 2009
gigs-up wrote:
<quoted text>
i agree and commend you on your actions. parents today have lost all control of there kids. where is the respect and discipline we were taught as kids? for heavens sake people.. your should be raising your child to be the best they can be and better then you were raised. letting them experiment with dress, attidude, grades, goth music etc. is like handing them a pile of drugs and saying it's only temporary and they will grow out of it..these parents should be beaten till they ask why are you doing this. and then we can tell them i went through and anger phase, but i'm over it now..... having kids should require a license.
i'm from tyner, jackson county always had a small group of "gothic" people but when I was in school.. literally they done stuff to make them outcast, the term " attention whore " comes to mind when thinking of them. But.. you compare how a child dresses/wants to act to giving them drugs? I think your comparison is a little off level... i'd rather my child wear black everyday than to touch a drug but they're entirely different things and unrelated to each other. I understand the point you're trying to say but the lack of relation of them is what's missing.
Old School

London, KY

#13 Mar 3, 2009
No No No wrote:
Wrong, wrong, wrong to all of the above. I think the key words in this is "child who wants to" tell the CHILD NO. A child should not be allowed to do anything that a parent disagrees with. Tell them NO. Don't buy the crap for them. Its that simple. Todays parents are to concerned with hurting the childs feelings or lord forbid make them mad. Its crap. Don't allow your child to walk around like a freak and be teased by everyone. My children have gone through some changes but never anything like that. They know it is not acceptable and will not happen. I have two children both in there late teens. They are wonderful and it is looking like they will be wonderful adults. So do not listen to all this just say NO!
Old School. I like the way you think. A parent's number one responsibility is to be a PARENT, not a friend. Children need guidance from their parents, not a buddy. Two thumbs up to you. You are a dying breed.
A Random Parent

Corbin, KY

#14 Mar 3, 2009
No No No wrote:
Wrong, wrong, wrong to all of the above. I think the key words in this is "child who wants to" tell the CHILD NO. A child should not be allowed to do anything that a parent disagrees with. Tell them NO. Don't buy the crap for them. Its that simple. Todays parents are to concerned with hurting the childs feelings or lord forbid make them mad. Its crap. Don't allow your child to walk around like a freak and be teased by everyone. My children have gone through some changes but never anything like that. They know it is not acceptable and will not happen. I have two children both in there late teens. They are wonderful and it is looking like they will be wonderful adults. So do not listen to all this just say NO!
Just say no my ass! Nancy Reagan's "just say no" idea really wiped-out illegal drug abuse, didn't it? If you think that a teenager is going to give up on something like that because their parents told them to do so, then you must not have that much experience in dealing with kids. Nobody, teenagers included, takes being told "no" well, especially when it is a matter of something like clothing and/or make-up. The parent is better off to buy the dark ass clothes and not alienate thier child over something that is likely JUST A PHASE. The bigger deal that is made of this, the bigger deal it will become. I appreciate the tell-your-children-no idealogy, but at the end of the day it does not work. I believe that your belief of teaching children not to do certain things to avoid being "made fun of" is way unhealthier than letting a kid be goth for a while. I suggest you teach your children that being original and their-own-person is a good thing, if you don't they will wind up a mindless republican. You need to lay-off the Dr. Phil for a while.
Ponderous

Nancy, KY

#15 Mar 3, 2009
If goth is the worst thing the child wants to do, I say you're lucky. Telling them they "CAN'T" do it just makes them want to do it worse. I went to high school with a girl who shaved one side of her head, dyed the other side pink and wore tons of wild makeup. She was pretty wild too but you would never know it now. She is married, settled down and very respectable. She even owns her own business and is very successful. No one who didn't know her then would even believe it! So, as long as they're not hanging with a crowd that has truancy or drug problems, you probably don't have anything to worry about.
Old School

London, KY

#16 Mar 3, 2009
A Random Parent wrote:
<quoted text>
Just say no my ass! Nancy Reagan's "just say no" idea really wiped-out illegal drug abuse, didn't it? If you think that a teenager is going to give up on something like that because their parents told them to do so, then you must not have that much experience in dealing with kids. Nobody, teenagers included, takes being told "no" well, especially when it is a matter of something like clothing and/or make-up. The parent is better off to buy the dark ass clothes and not alienate thier child over something that is likely JUST A PHASE. The bigger deal that is made of this, the bigger deal it will become. I appreciate the tell-your-children-no idealogy, but at the end of the day it does not work. I believe that your belief of teaching children not to do certain things to avoid being "made fun of" is way unhealthier than letting a kid be goth for a while. I suggest you teach your children that being original and their-own-person is a good thing, if you don't they will wind up a mindless republican. You need to lay-off the Dr. Phil for a while.
Nancy Reagan, and I'm sure about this one, is not the parent of my child. It is not her job to tell my child what is best for her. That job falls upon me. If my child does something I do not agree with, I stop the behavior.
I Have Noticed

Prestonsburg, KY

#17 Mar 3, 2009
No No No wrote:
Wrong, wrong, wrong to all of the above. I think the key words in this is "child who wants to" tell the CHILD NO. A child should not be allowed to do anything that a parent disagrees with. Tell them NO. Don't buy the crap for them. Its that simple. Todays parents are to concerned with hurting the childs feelings or lord forbid make them mad. Its crap. Don't allow your child to walk around like a freak and be teased by everyone. My children have gone through some changes but never anything like that. They know it is not acceptable and will not happen. I have two children both in there late teens. They are wonderful and it is looking like they will be wonderful adults. So do not listen to all this just say NO!
I agree with you 100%. Good advice.
Batman

Nancy, KY

#18 Mar 3, 2009
WOW i have 3 children grown! Let me just say that if we did not want them to do something by doggies they did not do it !NO IS NO and when your child disrespects you and does it anyway then you the parent are doing something wrong!
athought

Corbin, KY

#19 Mar 3, 2009
The day my daughter or son paints the fingernails black and throws on the black head to toe is the day I will strip their room of everything but a plain blanket, stop all allowance, including clothing allowance, stop any priviledge and plans for car, insurance etc. They will sit at the table until bedtime and do homework. the phone will be unplugged and they can spend their time writing a piece on how ridiculous the entire idea of rebellion and this ignorance is. Period. It says honor thy Mother and Father not humiliate them and make it plan to everyone that their parents have lost all ability to parent effectively. This is ridiculous and when I see it it makes me wonder where the parents went wrong. That's my roof up there and they will be reminded the frst time this happens. Those ignorant big earrings in the boys ears. Know how to get a 30 year old ex-goth kid off your porch? Pay them for your pizza.
Lady in Black

London, KY

#20 Mar 3, 2009
To everyone that thinks goth is wrong....

Why is it so wrong?

Is it because YOU don't like it?

Is that how others should live their lives by doing what YOU think is right and wrong?

Teenagers do have a mind of THEIR own and you should encourage them to think for themselves and to be their own person. And if goth is what they want to be then let them be goth. For Pete's sake don't limit your teens in growing up ! Let them explore the world and not by your views but by theirs. Just because you don't like what they are wearing or the color of their hair and nails does NOT make it wrong. They aren't hurting anyone or doing anything bad. They are just looking different and listening to their own tunes. Even though you may not like how they look or what they are listening to it, what harm are they doing to themselves or to others? NONE !!!!!
Just let them be themselves and not who YOU THINK that they should be.

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