Posted in the Duluth Forum
#1 Feb 25, 2014
So I spoke with a priest last week, and explained to him, in short, some of the troubles I've been having.
He offered to bless my water if I had a bottle, and I could take holy-water with me as I go. Sounds good.
But I had no bottle, so I asked for a rain check. He told me I could bring my water bottle to St. John's church on the hill, and he would make holywater for me.
I asked if he could just bless the bottle, so that I could make my own holywater when the bottle is empty.
He say no...he can only bless the water.
So I ask Lucifer why this may be, an he say, "Oh...blah blah...prolly 'cause water is living and bottles are not." Oh, probably, but it sounds like a good guess, good answer though, Shiva.
So after further consideration, I'm thinking it has more to due with seeing me show up for refills, than me having aid in combating darkness. Rude.
Well guess what Holy Father...boobies are great but sharing them don't save my ass.
You might need a face-plant,..or to lead a lost lamb, er something...but it's literally an actual physical life that is stomping my ass every day, in physical battle with actual evil...I don't have the time to spare, or calories to spend, coming to visit you.
I don't have time to work out our kinks for your pleasure, when holy-water can be made available, on tap, for the suffering damned like myself, by hard prayer, and clever thinking.
Here's a way you can bless my bottle and work out your own kinks...for the Lord, my friend.
It is a practice I've observed performed by Lucifer, my buddy from 3rd st...just left of center, downward as you go. He uses Clausen pickle jars, but my iced-coffee bottle would suffice for most mortals. Starbucks has two sizes at most markets.
See, you fill the jar with warm water...then phuck it,..I'm serious.
I've come home from Jail, to Lucifer's place, to find the kitchen, and bathroom floor soaked in puddles of unyholywater...with jars strewn about...having been righteously phucked proper by Shiva...the mighty God-King of old. He said he got stuck in their and had to settle down to get free...he's awesome.
What I'm saying, Holy father, is that you can bless my bottle, and phuck yourself...the Lord don't work in weird ways like yours.
You can come to my confessional any time you need it. I work at the Wabasha Bookstore most evenings of the week. Any day of the weak, father...you can bring me some alms. I'll hold onto this bottle for you. Holy water helps but dollars save asses. You are all so dumb it makes me sick.
#2 Feb 27, 2014
Uhh...Dear Holy Fathers,
Let's take a moment for an after-action-review.
No first, just let me say... next time you want to give alms at my alter just stuff some cash in an envelope and slip it under my door. Leave red power-aide un-phucked with, and a box of chocolates or something nice...and just go.
#3 Feb 27, 2014
#4 Feb 27, 2014
A particular case in point:
This priest came in to see me last evening after ten.
He looked at me like I was an object. Like a flower, or a pretty song. It was completely perversed...here's why
What exactly do you think you are looking at here, Holy Father?
This is not a garden, or a zoo. I am a sexual being and this is an erotic experience. You treating it like it was ineffectual made the subject gross-out to the point that I told you to put it away and go.
Sex is good, and God is great. If you are not a masturbater that's fine, but don't bring that schit to my door, and put it on me.
Your treatment was not therapeutic, I'm going to say.
Not holy, we are saying.
There have been other priests who have got it right visiting me, but if you are a priest with any doubt in your mind, or your heart, that you would love to plow me proper, then just leave cash and go, I'm serious.
#5 Feb 27, 2014
Oh...holy fathers...pray you take my confession via this forum since I can't find open churches when I need them.
Oh, father...it was so horribly naughty that I can't even stand it. It delights me still, every time I replay the images in my mind to this day...
#6 Feb 27, 2014
It was one morning roughly 7-months-in to battle with Lucifer...around the time I started needing a white-russian in the shower in the mornings just to not kill before lunch.
#7 Feb 27, 2014
I spent all day setting up my plan...delicious. It took all my time for 17 straight ours thinking about what I was going to do to him.
#8 Feb 27, 2014
#9 Feb 27, 2014
I knew that if I just tried, with resolve, I could do it...
#10 Feb 27, 2014
I ordered Shiva to the shower, first thing a.m., and tried to push an energy-drink on him, but he wouldn't have it.
So instead, I made the absolute best coffee I could make for him...perfect to his specifications, and I brought it to him in the shower....but then...when he was looking the wrong way...I stood on his toilette and squirted him with an ice-cold mouthful of icy-cold full throttle from a blue can...over the shower wall, we prefer to call it.
#11 Feb 27, 2014
I am blessing you, oh Shiva...I am not a F'ing bitch.... Now scrub up like a good slut, I want that body clean.
#12 Feb 27, 2014
...so then, HOly Father....oh...
After warming it on our kitchen table...I made the devil plow my perfect piece of tiramisu!! Rhhaaa haa haa haa haaaaa! And by tiramisu I mean an actual piece of cake....layers so lovely they were begging for it...
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