Post Jokes Here
big cock

Rimersburg, PA

#109 Mar 14, 2013
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.

Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
my two cents

Fitzgerald, GA

#110 Mar 18, 2013
Why we shoot deer in the wild:
I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home. I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away.
my two cents

Fitzgerald, GA

#111 Mar 18, 2013
I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
my two cents

Fitzgerald, GA

#112 Mar 18, 2013
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!
All these events are true so help me God...An Educated Farmer
Lawdy

Jacksonville, GA

#113 Mar 20, 2013
Thank you, My Two Cents, for the best laugh I've had in many months. I don't usually take pleasure in another's misfortune, but this is different. You acted stupid and took the punishment well, and shared it with whomever. Thank you again, I'll bet Hell will freeze over before you get a hankering for venison!
big cock

Ocilla, GA

#114 Mar 26, 2013
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
Old school

Palmetto, GA

#115 Mar 26, 2013
Lol that's was funny
little dick

Montezuma, GA

#116 Mar 29, 2013
Bob calls in to his job:
"Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."

The boss says:
"You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that."

2 hours later Bob calls:
"Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house."
wong way

Moultrie, GA

#117 Apr 18, 2013
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby girl.
"Congratulations!' says the nurse to the new parents. "Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby girl and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name her Sum Ting Wong."
po boy

Douglas, GA

#118 Apr 18, 2013
While Clinton was pres. Jesse Jackson visited the Whitehouse. Bill & Jesse were using the little boys room. Bill looks at Jesse's pecker and says, Damn Jesse,how'd you get your pecker so big? Jesse replied, before I go to bed everynight, I tap it on the bed post and that makes it bigger. Well, that night before Bill went to bed he decided to try it,so he walks to the foot of the bed and taps on the bedpost with his pecker. All of a sudden Hillary says "That you Jesse?"

Since: Mar 10

Location hidden

#120 Apr 18, 2013
JOKER-FINALLY A GOOD FORUM!-WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A DOG AND A MONKEY?
-A DONKEY!! YYYEEE HAW YEE HAW

Since: Mar 10

Location hidden

#121 Apr 18, 2013
CALIFORNIA!!! A WHOLE STATE OF PUNCHLINES
wong way

Moultrie, GA

#122 Apr 20, 2013
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing.":)
duh what

Hahira, GA

#123 Apr 26, 2013
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said,“I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,“May I ask what the turkey did?”
Anon

Willacoochee, GA

#124 Apr 26, 2013
There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum, and one night - one night, they decide they don't living in an asylum anymore. They decide they're going to escape. So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across the narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight.

Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend - his friend didn't dare make the leap. Y'see, y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea. He says, "Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!"

But the second guy just shakes his head. He says, he says, "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was halfway across!"
duh what

Hahira, GA

#125 Apr 27, 2013
skydiving instructor says 2 pull the parachute when you can recognize the faces of people on the ground... blond says "what if i don't know anybody down there"

Since: Mar 10

Location hidden

#126 Apr 27, 2013
I THOUGHT OF THIS ONE LAST NIGHT-WHO DO CALIFORNIANS HAVE "3 WAYS"?
WITH?? ME MYSELF AND I!! OF COURSE!
in the know

Kathleen, GA

#127 May 8, 2013
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,“This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks,“Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.“What did I tell you?” said the barber.“That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied,“Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
hey hey HEY

Nashville, GA

#128 May 12, 2013
what is the speed limit of sex?

68 cause at 69 you have to turn around!

get it, get it
gatorbaby

United States

#129 May 13, 2013
tina kirkland

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