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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Jan 23, 2013
DEAR AMY: I'm 27 and have been with my boyfriend "Mike" for three years. We intend to get married down the line. However, I'm discovering that Mike has a string of female admirers in all of his friend groups -- women from college, clubs, interest groups or even younger sisters of friends.

He has no interest in these women and many times doesn't even realize that they like him until I point out that flirtatious side-poking and requests to be given rides (alone) are not normal "friend" behaviors.

He is very attractive, courteous and sweet -- almost to a fault. When these girls flirt with him, he gives them 100 percent of his attention because he doesn't want to be rude.

He also doesn't call them out on inappropriate behaviors like the poking or hugging. It's becoming really hard for me to hang out with his "friends" or even meet new ones for fear that I will meet yet another admirer.

I've talked to him about this, and while he admits this could be frustrating for me, he just reassures me that he would never cheat. I'm not worried that he'll cheat. I'm just sick of his not stopping this inappropriate behavior. Am I right, or should I learn to let well enough alone?-- No More Admirers

DEAR NO MORE: Ideally, a partner in a loving relationship should direct most of his social poking and hugging toward his partner. Your guy seems willing to tolerate your discomfort rather than put up even a flimsy social wall and inspire the slightest change in the women around him. He could very easily change the dynamic without being rude. "I would never cheat" isn't exactly the most trust-inspiring statement from a loving partner.

You should experiment with adjusting your own orientation and focus on managing your own behavior. Boldly plunge into social interactions with confidence. Stay close to your guy and be assertively friendly (to everyone) and attentive (to everyone). You need not police him, but you do need to find out if you have the temperament and confidence to handle this behavior and if he has the maturity to redirect the flirtation toward you.

DEAR AMY: I love your literacy campaign to put "A Book on Every Bed."

When my daughter was about 12 years old, we made a deal that either of us would read a book that the other thought was outstanding.

Fast forward 18 years. We have read and had lively discussions on 50-plus great books together! Other readers might want to try this.

I would have never picked up books by Edith Wharton, Jane Austen, Margaret Mitchell, Daphne du Maurier, Ayn Rand, Willa Cather, and Mary Shelley on my own. Likewise, my daughter might never have discovered Alexandre Dumas, Robert Penn Warren, Truman Capote, George Orwell and William Golding, to name a few.-- Mark

DEAR MARK: Thank you for sharing the excitement and enriching opportunities inspired by reading to, with and eventually alongside your children. This is especially powerful between fathers and daughters (and mothers and sons).

I highly recommend "The Reading Promise: My Father and the Books We Shared," by young writer Alice Ozma (Grand Central Publishing).

This charming account of the bond cemented by sharing books between a father and daughter touched me and made me smile. You and your daughter should team-read it.

DEAR AMY: The letter from "Cranky Dad," concerning the doffing of caps at home or in public, reminds me of an anecdote concerning my grandfather. This happened sometime in the early 1930s.

At the time, he was the consul general of Chile in New York. He was a very proper, multilingual gentleman who, of course, wore suits, spats, the whole "enchilada."

An American gentleman walked into his office and sat down, his hat still on his head. My grandfather said nothing but, instead, rose, went to the hat rack, removed his own hat, donned it and sat down at his desk. The story goes that the gentleman turned red and removed his hat. I wish I'd been there.-- Guillermo

DEAR GUILLERMO: Now that's "old school"! I love it.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#2 Jan 23, 2013
L1: Hugging is inappropriate behavior? Unless they are sitting on the couch canoodling, I'm not seeing a problem. I know many MARRIED people who hug members of the opposite sex upon greeting. Poking? WTF are you talking about? Unless someone's poking their pecker where it don't belong, I fail to see poking as inaproporiate. Asking for a ride is not normal friend behavior? Really?

Look, either he's trustworthy or he's not. You seem to think everyone should treat him like a leper and vice versa.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Jan 23, 2013
1 Your insecurity is going to drive this guy away. If you keep nagging him about what other people do, you are going to appear clingy. Lets reverse it and say you are a knockout, and guys are all over you. Just because you show them attention, does it mean that your ignoring your boyfriend, or hinting that your available?

2 Actually I agree (no tonks you cant swap kindles or download the book, has to be paper)

3 Ha, Chileans have no clue how Americans are.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#4 Jan 23, 2013
L1: "When these girls flirt with him, he gives them 100 percent of his attention because he doesn’t want to be rude." Oh please. The rest of your letter screams that you have control issues. Don't marry this guy. He doesn't deserve to be nagged for the next 50 years. I think Amy's advice was horrible.

L2: My initial response: Margaret Mitchell stood out in that list because "The Handmaid's Tale" and "Oryx and Crake" left such strong impressions on me.

Then I thought, "wait, that nam e isn't quite right." Margaret ATWOOD. Nevermind.

L3: Color me unimpressed.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#5 Jan 23, 2013
FWIW, I assumed the "poking" was a FB referenc.e

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#6 Jan 23, 2013
LW1: You sound like a psycho. What is the guy supposed to do ... be a rude jerk to women just to calm your insecurities. I would run from you ... fast.

LW2: Blah

LW3: Whatever

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#7 Jan 23, 2013
RACE wrote:
2 Actually I agree (no tonks you cant swap kindles or download the book, has to be paper)
Paper schmaper!

My kids have a couple bookshelves full of books. We read those, but we also read on the tablet. There are a number of really good storybook apps that I have. They read to the child(in lieu of mom or dad doing the reading). The words are on the screen. Kids' gotta swipe the screen to turn the page.

Funny thing, I didn't watch any tv last night. I laid back and read a whole magazine and then some...on the tablet.
:)

We have paper subscriptions to 4 magazines. Special deals. 2 were free. 2 were $2. But those things seem to pile up without being read, cause my tablet is my first choice for reading.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#8 Jan 23, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
FWIW, I assumed the "poking" was a FB referenc.e
Those hussies are facebook poking him!!?? How dare they?!?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Melrose Park, IL

#9 Jan 23, 2013
1- This guy seems to crave the attention. I'll agree the girl is sounding a little insecure, but I think dude can make an effort to tone down his flirtations if it upsets his girl so.

2- Know how I know you're gay? You read books by Edith Wharton, Jane Austen, Margaret Mitchell, Daphne de Maurier and Willa Cather. Seriously, I've never heard of any of those people. Ayn Rand I've heard of, but aren't those books for little girls? What self respecting grown man would read them?

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#10 Jan 23, 2013
LW1: You sound really insecure. I predict he'll get sick of your nagging and decide to poke one of these girls back, and not on FB.

LW2: Blah blah blah. Brag brag brag.

LW3: BFD.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#11 Jan 23, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
2- Know how I know you're gay? You read books by Edith Wharton, Jane Austen, Margaret Mitchell, Daphne de Maurier and Willa Cather. Seriously, I've never heard of any of those people. Ayn Rand I've heard of, but aren't those books for little girls? What self respecting grown man would read them?
Those were the books the daughter liked and had the parent read.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#12 Jan 23, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L2: My initial response: Margaret Mitchell stood out in that list because "The Handmaid's Tale" and "Oryx and Crake" left such strong impressions on me.
Then I thought, "wait, that nam e isn't quite right." Margaret ATWOOD. Nevermind.
Margeret Mitchell wrote Gone with the Wind. I read it, when I was a teenager. It was better than the movie <mimishrug>.

My first husband had to read The Handmaid's Tale in college, so I read it too. Also left an impression on me, a sorta twisted bizarre one, but an impression nonetheless. Have you seen the movie?
pde

Palatine, IL

#13 Jan 23, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
2- Know how I know you're gay? You read books by Edith Wharton, Jane Austen, Margaret Mitchell, Daphne de Maurier and Willa Cather. Seriously, I've never heard of any of those people. Ayn Rand I've heard of, but aren't those books for little girls? What self respecting grown man would read them?
They aren't books for little girls, I doubt that most people would be able to fully parse the writing of those authors until high school or college level literature.
pde

Palatine, IL

#14 Jan 23, 2013
squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
Those were the books the daughter liked and had the parent read.
What I don't get is the father's claim: "Likewise, my daughter might never have discovered Alexandre Dumas, Robert Penn Warren, Truman Capote, George Orwell and William Golding, to name a few"

Huh? Either The Count of Monte Cristo or The Three Musketeers (Dumas) is usually a standard high school novel; Robert Penn Warren usually has a few selections in high school units on American poetry; Breakfast at Tiffany's (Capote) is not uncommon either.

And did anyone escape junior high without reading either 1984 or Animal Farm or Lord of the Flies?

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#15 Jan 23, 2013
L1: I see this differently. While I think the guy is probalby a flirtatious person, I think it's part of his personality and not trying to "get" the women. This: "...flirtatious side-poking and requests to be given rides (alone) are not normal "friend" behaviors". They aren't. But they are his friends and he's not going to change. She needs to accept that he is extremely social and she probably isn't.

L2: I think that's awesome.

L3: I wish those letter would not remind people to the point of them writing into Amy.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Melrose Park, IL

#16 Jan 23, 2013
squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
Those were the books the daughter liked and had the parent read.
I understand that. Still, I don't think I could read Nancy Drew just because my kid suggested it.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#17 Jan 23, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
2- Know how I know you're gay? You read books by Edith Wharton, Jane Austen, Margaret Mitchell, Daphne de Maurier and Willa Cather. Seriously, I've never heard of any of those people. Ayn Rand I've heard of, but aren't those books for little girls? What self respecting grown man would read them?
Paul Ryan and Alan Greenspan for a start.

You are being deliberately obtuse, Dog. Respond to teh subtance instead for a change.
Sam I Am

Nashville, TN

#18 Jan 23, 2013
1. You sound like a PITA. You believe he has no interest and you admit he's often unaware until you point it out to him. Why are you pointing it out to him? "Oh dear, people like my bf? How horrible is that?" Methinks you are upset you don't receive the same flattery from the menfolk. Would you rather people found your bf repugnant? Find some security, pat yourself on the back for finding someone so valued by others, and quit trying to screw this up for yourself.

2. That's right, Mutt, you're so cultured and worldly that if you haven't heard of it or can't understand it, it must be gay or stupid, right? TSTI.

3. Yes, making a passive-aggressive production out of it is much better than just saying something.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#19 Jan 23, 2013
pde wrote:
<quoted text>
What I don't get is the father's claim: "Likewise, my daughter might never have discovered Alexandre Dumas, Robert Penn Warren, Truman Capote, George Orwell and William Golding, to name a few"
Huh? Either The Count of Monte Cristo or The Three Musketeers (Dumas) is usually a standard high school novel; Robert Penn Warren usually has a few selections in high school units on American poetry; Breakfast at Tiffany's (Capote) is not uncommon either.
And did anyone escape junior high without reading either 1984 or Animal Farm or Lord of the Flies?
1984, Animal Farm, and Lord of the Flies I read on my own. The others mentioned, I haven't read at all. There's just *so* many classics and relatively not much time to cover them in school.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#20 Jan 23, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I understand that. Still, I don't think I could read Nancy Drew just because my kid suggested it.
This statement is proof that you do not have a kid.

If you make a promise to your offspring, such as reading books she suggests, then you'd better do just that, no matter how much it might pain you. That's the chance you take in making this kind of bargain.

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