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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Dec 10, 2012
DEAR AMY: I am a graduate student in my late 20s. My mother has been addicted to marijuana my whole life. She says it's for lower back pain, but when she gets high it is impossible to talk to her. She can't hold a job or keep friends.

My parents are getting a divorce, and my dad claims it is partly because she refuses to admit she has a drug problem or take responsibility for her life.

Whenever I try to talk about this my mother becomes defensive. I want to tell her I feel this is preventing us from having a good relationship. She has chosen this drug over me repeatedly during my life.

I realize now that she may be like this for the rest of her life. Is it worth mentioning to her how I feel? Or will that just be another burden for her?-- Wanting an Addiction-Free Mama

DEAR WANTING: Your situation is heartbreaking, and the answer for you is to speak your own truth with compassion.

And then you must work hard to detach with love. Realize that your mother is flawed, addicted and ill. Even though you deserved so much better, in the cosmic matchup of parent and child, you were handed an extreme challenge.

Your truth might ultimately be your mother's gift, as long as it is accompanied by a request for her to get help for her addiction.

Write down a simple and concentrated version of your truth. Here's a sample: "Mom, your addiction is breaking my heart. I want to have a better relationship with you, but I can't do this as long as you are using. I am urging you to get help. I want to know you as a sober person." Deliver this message verbally or in writing.

You and your father should research rehab programs for your mother (you can start with Narcotics Anonymous, a 12-step program, at na.org ). You should also seek counseling and group support through Al-anon or Nar-anon. The Nar-anon website lists local meetings ( nar-anon.org ).

DEAR AMY: I have a problem. My sister-in-law is a shopaholic and goes absolutely crazy shopping every Black Friday. She buys Christmas gifts for our nieces, nephews and other family members, and then calls the adults to offer what she's bought for us to buy from her. She does this for family showers and birthdays as well.

I'm sure she thinks she's helping, but I prefer to shop for my own gifts. How do I get the message across? This has been going on for years.-- Anonymous, Please

DEAR ANONYMOUS: Your sister-in-law may have a shopping and buying problem, but this only becomes your burden if you willingly take it.

Your response to all of these shopping offers should be a universal, "No, thank you. As I say every year, I enjoy shopping for the kids myself." Consider this an effort to retrain your sister-in-law. You won't be able to retrain her to stop shopping, but if you always respond in the negative to her offers, she may eventually stop attempting to involve you in this post-retail experience.

DEAR AMY: I am responding to letters about "calling out" someone who has an odor problem. Years ago I was friends with a great guy who had horrendous body odor. Some days he was worse than others.

I had learned in college that sometimes body odor is due to a chemical imbalance in the body, which can usually be corrected. Armed with that, I approached my friend. He had been trying different deodorants, soaps, etc., but didn't know it could be medical. He saw his doctor, and his problem was corrected.

I'm now a college professor. When I approach students with "odiferous issues," I include the possibility that it's a medical, not a hygienic, problem (even though it is, at times, clearly a hygiene issue).

It leads to a positive, private conversation as to what can be done with dignity intact.-- More Tolerant Too

DEAR TOO: You've offered a compassionate example for how to handle a tricky issue.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#2 Dec 10, 2012
1- No one is "addicted" to marijuana because it's not addictive. Would you feel better if she was "addicted" to pain pills for her back pain? Leave her alone.

2- Speak up. I'd actually prefer someone to do my shopping for me.

3- How about keeping your nose out of other people's business?

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#3 Dec 10, 2012
L1: I'm sorry your mom's an addict. Honestly, there is nothing you can do or say that will make her stop. You just have to accept that this is who/what she is. She probably will never quit at this point. Sorry.:((I disagree with Amy. I see that as a futile conversation.)

L2: What is your problem? Just don't buy anything from her, then leave her alone. What she is doing doesn't hurt you and isn't really your problem. Grow up.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#4 Dec 10, 2012
Marijuana has been proven to be addictive. Not PHYSICALLY addictive, like alcohol or nicotine, but mentally. This woman obviously has a problem.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#5 Dec 10, 2012
LW1: I find it hard to believe that when she get's high that you can't talk to her. I've been around a lot of folks who smoked and I've never encountered that. If anything people who don't smoke regularly are the ones who tend to act all goofy.

I think you are blaming a lot of things inherent in your mom's personality on marijuana.

LW2: Let her do her thing and you do your thing, dummy and quit making a mountain out of a mole hill.. I honestly don't see what the f'ing problem is.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#6 Dec 10, 2012
L1: This could have been written about my in-laws. It's not that the mom is incoherent when she's high, she just can't retain anything or process anything right. Probably has inappropriate emotions.

I've heard that when you start doing drugs heavily, you stop maturing mentally. Which explains why my MIL acts like a 15-year-old most of the time. J has a childhood friend who is a complete burnout who is basically the same. Absolute disconnect from reality and unable to handle his emotions correctly.

L2: Use your words.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#7 Dec 10, 2012
1 How can she afford her pot? And if its in a legal state, then you got nothing to say about it at all.

2 Just say no, and get her into counseling.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#8 Dec 10, 2012
Matilda77 wrote:
I've heard that when you start doing drugs heavily, you stop maturing mentally. Which explains why my MIL acts like a 15-year-old most of the time. J has a childhood friend who is a complete burnout who is basically the same. Absolute disconnect from reality and unable to handle his emotions correctly.
I think it's a chicken and egg thing. I had a lot of friends who started smoking regularly in high school (I only tried it once or twice, until a few years into college), there are a few who are irresponsible, but most are productive members of society ... folks who own businesses and do quite well for themselves. Of those who are irresponsible (that really is what it comes down to ... being responsible), there is no doubt in my mind they would be irresponsible regardless.

I highly doubt your mil would be some super awesome person if she didn't smoke. I doubt the burnout would have made a good life for himself as well. There have always been irresponsible losers ... long before marijuana was commonplace.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#9 Dec 10, 2012
Agree with sub, the kid wants to blame her problems on her marijuana use, and I think that has very little to do with anything.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#10 Dec 10, 2012
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
I highly doubt your mil would be some super awesome person if she didn't smoke. I doubt the burnout would have made a good life for himself as well. There have always been irresponsible losers ... long before marijuana was commonplace.
I don't know. The burnout *was* a really smart kid, back in the day. Really good at chess. Now he can barely tie his own shoes.

Honestly, though, I'd never met anyone burned out on (mostly) weed like that before I met J. Most potsmokers I know are normal, functional people.

Speaking of which, you know what the best part of working from home is? Seeing my MIL when she stops over. Hooray. She's here now.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#11 Dec 10, 2012
Matilda77 wrote:
<quoted text>
I don't know. The burnout *was* a really smart kid, back in the day. Really good at chess. Now he can barely tie his own shoes.
Honestly, though, I'd never met anyone burned out on (mostly) weed like that before I met J. Most potsmokers I know are normal, functional people.
Speaking of which, you know what the best part of working from home is? Seeing my MIL when she stops over. Hooray. She's here now.
I missed soemthing. Are you working from home now? Is that all the time? I thought you were just migrating along long benches with teams or something.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#12 Dec 10, 2012
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
I missed soemthing. Are you working from home now? Is that all the time? I thought you were just migrating along long benches with teams or something.
Well, they hired on a poop ton of people recently and haven't quite maximized space properly to fit everyone, so we've been given the go-ahead to work from home if we want. I don't have any meetings today, so I'm on my couch with the dogs. I'll probably do that one more day this week.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#13 Dec 10, 2012
Matilda77 wrote:
<quoted text>
I don't know. The burnout *was* a really smart kid, back in the day. Really good at chess. Now he can barely tie his own shoes.
When it comes to folks who have no discipline and who are irresponsible, being in a structured environment like school can mask these flaws, especially if you have parents who are involved. At some point you have to grow up tho and do these things on your own. This usually needs to fully happen in your late teens or early 20s, because most parents even if they were very involved when you were younger, transition, as they should, and let you ride the bike without training wheels, so to speak, and most people even if they canít handle riding the bike without training wheels will demand to be treated as if they can and arenít going to follow their parents orders, even if their parents try to maintain structured discipline into young adulthood.

Thatís why a lot of kids who have helicopter parents do alright when they are younger, but fail miserably when they go to college. They never learned (I donít know if learn is the right term, because either you are responsible or you are not) to be self-disciplined. When you go to college, mommy isnít gonna be there to wake youíre a$s up, make you go to class, and do your homework. Mommy isnít gonna tell you canít go out with friends cause your grades are in the toilet and you instead need to work on your studies.
Matilda77 wrote:
<quoted text>Speaking of which, you know what the best part of working from home is? Seeing my MIL when she stops over. Hooray. She's here now.
<Nelson laugh>

:p

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#14 Dec 10, 2012
LW1: She ain't gonna quit, so either live with that or don't.

LW2: Just tell her no.

LW3: And that's why they pay you the big bucks.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#15 Dec 10, 2012
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
When it comes to folks who have no discipline and who are irresponsible, being in a structured environment like school can mask these flaws, especially if you have parents who are involved. At some point you have to grow up tho and do these things on your own. This usually needs to fully happen in your late teens or early 20s, because most parents even if they were very involved when you were younger, transition, as they should, and let you ride the bike without training wheels, so to speak, and most people even if they canít handle riding the bike without training wheels will demand to be treated as if they can and arenít going to follow their parents orders, even if their parents try to maintain structured discipline into young adulthood.
Thatís why a lot of kids who have helicopter parents do alright when they are younger, but fail miserably when they go to college. They never learned (I donít know if learn is the right term, because either you are responsible or you are not) to be self-disciplined. When you go to college, mommy isnít gonna be there to wake youíre a$s up, make you go to class, and do your homework. Mommy isnít gonna tell you canít go out with friends cause your grades are in the toilet and you instead need to work on your studies.
<quoted text>
<Nelson laugh>
:p
He did/does have enabler parents, that's for sure. I think he lived at home until he was almost 30.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#16 Dec 10, 2012
1 Nice Amy, you reinforced the incorrect idea tat marijuana and THC is addictive, which is clearly untrue. The LW's mother is a lightweight. Smoke less or get weaker weed.

2 Use your words Cupcake.

3 "Yo! You smell!" has always worked for me....

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#17 Dec 10, 2012
L1: Anything can be abused. MIL probably does need help at this point to stop smoking weed. If you constantly medicate yourself, you will at the very least rely on that medication mentally if not physically. Obviously she has other issues, but if she doesn't stop smoking weed and hiding behind it, those issues will never be resolved so I think she does need rehab type help. The daughter has to accept her mother as she is and not continue on this wishful thinking that she'll turn into a great mom all of the sudden.

L2: Just say no.

L3: This rehash stinks.

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#18 Dec 10, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
Marijuana has been proven to be addictive. Not PHYSICALLY addictive, like alcohol or nicotine, but mentally. This woman obviously has a problem.
True, but ime, the only people I've seen for whom it's THAT level of a problem were lazy slugs who wouldn't have friends or a job even if they never smoked pot.
I know dozens of people who smoke daily, or nearly that, who hold down jobs or even own and run their own businesses, and have no problems associated with their use. Just as I know dozens or more who have a drink or two every day and are not alcoholics, not jobless, not friendless.
That lady has other problems, and the weed is being used as a scapegoat for what is really wrong with her.
Sam I Am

Knoxville, TN

#19 Dec 10, 2012
NWmoon wrote:
<quoted text>True, but ime, the only people I've seen for whom it's THAT level of a problem were lazy slugs who wouldn't have friends or a job even if they never smoked pot.
I know dozens of people who smoke daily, or nearly that, who hold down jobs or even own and run their own businesses, and have no problems associated with their use. Just as I know dozens or more who have a drink or two every day and are not alcoholics, not jobless, not friendless.
That lady has other problems, and the weed is being used as a scapegoat for what is really wrong with her.
Yes, some people drink daily and function acceptably. Others drink every day and it has a significant negative impact on their lives. Do you acknowledge that alcoholism is a real condition, or are they all just using the booze as a scapegoat?

Do you deny that there are people whose use of marijuana is the problem, or all they all just masking something else?

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#20 Dec 10, 2012
Ditto what Moon said

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