Scene: The emergency room of a large West Coast Psychiatric Hospital. A psychiatrist and the Mother of Sunshine Icouldusesomehel p Sofaking, real Christian name “Theodore”, are discussing the failing mental health of Icouldusesomehel p.
Doctor: Your son was brought in by the police earlier today Mrs. Sunshine. He insists that he’s a racist from Georgia who hates people in California because they’re Libtards… whatever that is.
Mom: Oh no! Are you saying the multiple personality disorder is getting worse Doctor?
Doctor: I’m afraid so Mrs. Sunshine. Theodore was caught outside of the Governor’s mansion today with a jug of moonshine, screaming “Libtards are unfair to Georgian racists.” He was arrested for disorderly conduct, but only because the police could not find a charge for “being too fat and having a muffin top that hangs down past your knees”. Had there been such a law, they would have arrested him under it because he apparently looked even more disgusting than usual.
Mom: Oh I find that pretty hard to believe Doctor. Theodore has been arrested several times for being disgusting in public and in private. He could outdisgust anybody in the world without even trying. Anyway doctor, what are you recommending we do with Theodore this time?”
Doctor: Well, I’m thinking it’s time to take fairly harsh steps with Theodore in an attempt to shock him into remission. Otherwise, he could lapse into a very severe condition called “Phonebook multiple personality disorder” where the afflicted person becomes all of the people listed in a city phone book. Can you think of anything that would provide him with the shock of his life?
Mom: Well, I hate to suggest it, but it looks like harsh measures may be our only option if we are to bring Theodore back to something resembling sanity. I suggest we tie him up in a padded cell, tape his eyes open and hang a copy of “Playboy” magazine in front of his eyes. I know that will work. Theodore and I were in a bookstore a few weeks ago and there was a gentleman was leafing through a copy of “Playboy”. He dropped the magazine when Theodore accidentally bumped into him and it fell on the floor and laid open at what they call the “centerfold”. When Theodore saw it, he screamed in fear and disgust and scrambled under the bookshelf where shrieked and vomited for hours. It took us most of the day to get him out and we were only able to do that by putting a barrel of KFC close enough to the bookshelf to lure him out. Poor Theodore was still trembling with fear and suffering nightmares several days later. The sight of that beautiful naked movie actress was just so terrifying to him.
Doctor: Ok Mrs. Sunshine. Knowing Theodore, this is going to be a very cruel thing to do, but we really don’t have any choice if we expect to get him into remission. I’ll send one of the orderlies out for a copy of “Playboy” right away and you can run down to the gift shop and buy some wrapping tape.