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Jack Handey

Evansville, IN

#1 Jul 5, 2013
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated.

Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them.

At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven, with a gun."
Jack Handey

Evansville, IN

#2 Jul 5, 2013
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!
Jack Handey

Evansville, IN

#3 Jul 5, 2013
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Jack Handey

Evansville, IN

#4 Jul 5, 2013
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
Jack Handey

Evansville, IN

#5 Jul 5, 2013
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that’s what He’s getting!
Jack Handey

Evansville, IN

#6 Jul 5, 2013
If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
Jack Handey

Evansville, IN

#7 Jul 5, 2013
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
Jack Handey

Evansville, IN

#8 Jul 5, 2013
If you’re a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it’s real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
shine

Ashburn, VA

#9 Jul 5, 2013
Haha these are good :) keep them coming
Jack Handey

Evansville, IN

#10 Jul 5, 2013
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
Jack Handey

Evansville, IN

#11 Jul 5, 2013
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
Jack Handey

Evansville, IN

#12 Jul 5, 2013
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
Jack Handey

Evansville, IN

#14 Jul 5, 2013
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
Jack Handey

Evansville, IN

#15 Jul 5, 2013
I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
shine

Ashburn, VA

#17 Jul 5, 2013
Haha!!! Your killing me over here
:)

Florence, KY

#18 Jul 5, 2013
Jack Handey wrote:
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse.“Oh, no,” I said,“Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
That's awful but funny as heIl
:)

Florence, KY

#19 Jul 5, 2013
Jack Handey wrote:
I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
That's silly.
:)

Florence, KY

#20 Jul 5, 2013
shine wrote:
Haha!!! Your killing me over here
Agreed.
shine

Ashburn, VA

#21 Jul 5, 2013
this person is killing me i can't stop laughing
Jack Handey

Evansville, IN

#22 Jul 5, 2013
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a 'shell' if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.

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