To me it is cheating
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Columbia, SC

#1 Dec 13, 2012
I keep running into a situation I truly don't understand. The idea of three somes is beyond my concept of realistic if you are in a committed relationship. I accept the fact that although I enjoy sex and love experimenting with my partner I am basically old fashioned. I feel we have a great sex life that we both try to keep interesting and fresh but I have a problem bringing in a third person to our bed. To me it is cheating and is basically giving both parties permission to have sex with whoever and whenever they want, so why stay in a relationship? I know people have fantasies but I feel like some aren't worth the consequences. This is one of them. I have tried understanding this fantasy but I can't. I keep coming to the point of thinking I'm not good enough and that's as far as I get. I'm sure I'm going to get a lot of trash talk on this but if anyone has ideas that may help I would be grateful.

United States

#2 Dec 13, 2012
Yeah, I feel like if you bring a third person into the bed with a couple, it`s only going to be a gateway to more, serious actions. One partner may realize that the third person does a sexual act that his or her spouse doesn`t do or doesn`t do as well and they will no longer be satisfied with their spouse`s sexual favor.

Columbia, SC

#3 Dec 13, 2012
Your right with that point. I guess I also feel like if you love someone it will effect how you relate to them knowing they don't care if you are with someone else. At least I think it would for me. With all the sexual freedom stuff I really do think I am out of my depth although I believe in trying new things. Just can't accept this.

Port Saint Lucie, FL

#4 Dec 13, 2012
I just happened to catch a TV episode of "Judge Ross" one morning where this where was the case.

A man and his wife were "swingers"...and they brought another women into their bedroom.

Now get this...
The guy was suing the woman he brought into the relationship because not only did she steal his wife into a lesbian relationship, but the new woman gave him herpes as well.

Gotta love that shit!!!...LMAO!!!

I mean...even the judge was like..."what do you want me to do?"

I've said it here before and I'll say it again....any woman that wants to have sex with me will have to show me a recent clean bill of health from a doctor!

No drunken "met you at the bar" one nighters for this guy.

Ha!!!...and some women on this forum give me hell for being "arrogant"?

No honey...that's being SMART & RESPECTABLE!!!

Dunlap, TN

#5 Dec 13, 2012
I agree. Even porn makes me feel that way.

Columbia, SC

#6 Dec 13, 2012
Well at least this has made me feel a little better knowing I'm not the only person that doesn't agree with this. Personally I think sex should enhance a bond between 2 people it should be about exploring each other and taking pleasure in each other. If this fantasy is so important than maybe the bond isn't truly there. Something to figure out I guess.

Crossville, TN

#7 Dec 14, 2012
Cookie cutter answers are for cookie cutter people, not everyone fits into your nice neat and identical pigeon holes.I've experienced women who were antiporno-nazis, and I've had women start the movement towards threesums and other kink before I ever considered anything like that in our relationship.Have you ever even stopped to truly admire and understand the variety in people?Maybe you lack the self control to have a threesum if you feel that it gives partners free reign to just sleep with anyone?I personally take pleasure in observing my lovers' sexuality, whatever form it may be in. I may not be able to accept some things, but a threesum?thats rookie stuff.I blame 50 shades of grey for all the repressed folks out there trying to get into the lifestyle right now, maybe you should stick to your fictions?

Crossville, TN

#8 Dec 14, 2012
I can kind of see both sides of this, as I have been in both shoes. When I was much younger, I was somewhat curious what all the fuss was about and why a lot of people seemed to think that was the greatest thing in the world.(Not curious enough to go there and try it out, but still I wondered about it.) I grew up a little and got over it. lol

Years later, I got with a person who's seemingly only desire was to have *another* one. Yes, I said another because this person had already done plenty of experimenting and had two plus sexual partners at one time, numerous times in the past. It wasn't just mentioned, discussed and moved past. It was constantly brought up, even while we were in the middle of "doing our thing". Every time I turned around, there it was again. We couldn't seem to go more than a few days without something being said or hinted around about it. It made me feel unappreciated, undesired and simply not good enough and though I told the person how I felt, it continued on right up until I ended the relationship for good.(That was the reason it ended, or at least not the only one.)

I think people should do what makes them happy and live their lives how they see fit, so I'm not knocking anyone who does this. I don't agree with it personally and feel like no matter how much trust and communication you have, it's a perfect ingredient if you're wanting to cook up a divorce or the end of a relationship. But that's just me. I agree with the OP's view of it being the same as cheating. Whether the other person knows, allows it or even participates themselves, cheating is cheating. The way I've seen it for years, if I'm not satisfied with who I am with or if they are unsatisfied with me, I'd rather call it quits THEN consider involving someone else.

United States

#9 Dec 14, 2012
Well I have posted this on here because I did want to get a different view not because I thought it would change my mind but so I maybe able to understand. I do belief everyone has the right to life by their own sexual compass and that includes myself. The situation "nope" described is exactly where I am. I have been upfront since the very beginning before we were in a relationship that if drugs or multiple sex partners was what he wanted I wasn't the person he needed to date. I realize my views may be out of date as far sexual partners go and have tried keeping an open mind to the fact that just because someone doesn't feel like I do doesn't make them a bad person. Maybe just not the person I should be with. Nope nailed exactly how I feel and the question as to breaking things off no matter how much I love him is why I ask this question. He does have the right to have that life style if that's what he wants and I have the right to not be involved in that lifestyle. I may be niaeve but I didn't expect there to be people that would agree or understand. Thanks to all of you that respond I am grateful.

Since: Aug 10

Cookeville, TN

#10 Dec 14, 2012
I believe threesomes can work in healthy relationships, BUT it has to be under VERY specific conditions.
* Both partners should be honest from the very beginning of the relationship that this is something they are interested in; it could be a painful thing to find out later. This way if one partner isn't interested, they have the chance to walk away before things get serious.
* Both partners must be 100% honest with each other, and understand the potential consequences.
* Both partners must be ABSOLUTELY 100% sure that this is what they want. If either has doubts going in, they will only have regrets going out.
As far as the purpose of a relationship when you have a threesome, sometimes that can get confusing. People have different rules about what they consider a relationship. Some threesomes are done by a couple that wants to bring in a third lover that either one or both of them is allowed to fall for, but when this is done in a healthy way its understood upfront that the person will still love the original partner. Experienced swinger couples will have no trouble finding a casual playmate for the third; they use them as a sex toy, and there are a lot of people who are content to be used. The important thing is that ALL THREE people walk away satisfied and happy with the situation.
It takes a certain kind of person to successfully have a threesome. Most of them have had casual threesomes and know how to handle them emotionally before bringing one in to a serious relationship. If you have any doubts or feel insecure about a threesome, DON'T DO IT. You're not the kind of person that should be in a threesome, and you will only live to regret it.
I've never been in one myself, but I've read a lot of articles from those who have been while trying to understand it. Also, I know a couple of people who have done it.

Cookeville, TN

#11 Dec 14, 2012
One man one woman, I will pray for you all that don't live by the bible.

Crossville, TN

#12 Dec 14, 2012
I'd leave the relationship if my partner suggested bringing a third person in the bedroom.
Obviously they're not magnanimous.

United States

#13 Dec 14, 2012
I know I'm not the type of person that could handle this type of relationship and have no intention of trying it. I have thought if I could understand it maybe I could save our relationship. I do love him and it does hurt to feel like I'm not enough and don't satisfy him and not understanding adds to that. I don't know if there is anyway for me to understand it.

Dunlap, TN

#14 Dec 14, 2012
Actually in the bible they had multiple wives.

Since: Mar 10

Location hidden

#15 Dec 14, 2012
thatsme wrote:
Actually in the bible they had multiple wives.
And divorce was absolutely forbidden except in cases where the woman cheated on the man.

Oh, and death was the punishment for adultery.

United States

#16 Dec 14, 2012
I guess for me when it gets to the religious aspect I believe in the verse judge not least ye be judged. Each person is accountable to God not me. My religion is a part of why I feel the way I do but at the same time I know it is no greater sin than the mundane sins we each committ daily of white lies coveting something that belongs to someone else or even being a hypocrite. I respect everyone's right to believe how they feel is right but am not judging anyone myself.
Get real

United States

#17 Dec 14, 2012
Just my opinion but think this dude is just wanting to live a fantasy. If a fantasy means more than a flesh and blood woman then your better off without him. I did this once thinking how great it would be but didn't count on wondering after that what she was thinking when she looked at other guys. It ended the relationship and was my fault because I couldn't handle the jealousy. Let him go and have his fantasy and find someone who appriciates a flesh and blood woman.

Charlotte, NC

#18 Dec 14, 2012
dont knock it till u try it

York, SC

#19 Dec 17, 2012
thatsme wrote:
I agree. Even porn makes me feel that way.
Same here

United States

#20 Dec 17, 2012
The way i look at is if Im not enough for you then go hope and pray that you find what it your lookin for cuz im not some sleez on the internet and im not your girl on girl fantasy im your lady who can only give so much and if what i give isn't good enough then go on cuz i guarantee it would be Damn plenty for someone else.

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