'I yelled at God':

Sep 6, 2008 | Posted by: roboblogger | Full story: San Diego Union-Tribune

"Do you think I'll ever go a day without crying? I'm afraid if I do, I'll feel guilty as hell." The words come from letters that Tracy Moe wrote to her 17-year-old daughter, Kelsea Lyn Phelps.

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“METHADONE=DEATHA DONE”

Since: Feb 08

Portsmouth

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#1
Sep 6, 2008
 

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I can most certainly relate to this article. I have kept a journal from the beginning after losing my precious son. Reading back through the entries, I know it helped to save some of my sanity. Some days it felt as though he were right there looking over my shoulder as I wrote.
It has helped in many ways to cope through the loss. Tomorrow will be 17 months since he passed. This evening made the 17th month mark since we last talked. Missing you my son...

“GET TO THE CHOPPA!!!”

Since: Apr 08

Still there......

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#2
Sep 6, 2008
 

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sliverone wrote:
I can most certainly relate to this article. I have kept a journal from the beginning after losing my precious son. Reading back through the entries, I know it helped to save some of my sanity. Some days it felt as though he were right there looking over my shoulder as I wrote.
It has helped in many ways to cope through the loss. Tomorrow will be 17 months since he passed. This evening made the 17th month mark since we last talked. Missing you my son...
Wow. You have my respect.

“NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS!”

Since: Oct 07

creek nation

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#3
Sep 7, 2008
 

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sliverone wrote:
I can most certainly relate to this article. I have kept a journal from the beginning after losing my precious son. Reading back through the entries, I know it helped to save some of my sanity. Some days it felt as though he were right there looking over my shoulder as I wrote.
It has helped in many ways to cope through the loss. Tomorrow will be 17 months since he passed. This evening made the 17th month mark since we last talked. Missing you my son...
i wish you the best.i couldnt imagine losing one of my kids.i am blessed with two healthy parents and 95 year old grandma.so i cant relate to your lose except losing my favorite malamute named bear.i went all over america with this wolfdog and lost him to a neighbors bullet.i searched for two weeks and finally found his body in a ravine.it took me years to get over it,but i was able to keep his bloodline going and my pic is his great great grandson.and i swear he can back to me in this pup.you are so strong and i wish you peace and love.

Since: Jul 08

Dearborn, MI

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#4
Sep 7, 2008
 

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As I read this article my eyes filled with tears knowing exactly what this mom is going through. Crying has become a part of my life. A part of my days. I cannot remember one single day since Jimmy passed that I have not shed at least one tear.
I too have kept a journal. Some days it was all I could do to write things down as I felt that my head was going to blow up. The world around us isn't very acceptable with our grieving and society thinks that there is an end to the grieving process. A time limit. There is no time limit or end to losing a child. Thier death becomes a part of you and changes who you are. It is true that the person that you used to be no longer exists.

Since: Jul 08

Dearborn, MI

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#5
Sep 7, 2008
 

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sliverone wrote:
I can most certainly relate to this article. I have kept a journal from the beginning after losing my precious son. Reading back through the entries, I know it helped to save some of my sanity. Some days it felt as though he were right there looking over my shoulder as I wrote.
It has helped in many ways to cope through the loss. Tomorrow will be 17 months since he passed. This evening made the 17th month mark since we last talked. Missing you my son...
Pam,
You are in my thoughts today and always. In addition to our journal entries you and I have shared some very personal and intimate thoughts about our babies. Those days are bitter sweet to me. We have walked much of this journey together.
And I am so glad that we found each other.
I am sending cyber hugs your way today!
If you need to chat, you know where to find me.
kisses
Carie

Since: Jul 08

Dearborn, MI

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#6
Sep 7, 2008
 

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I wanted to add one more comment after re-reading the article. I wonder if Kelsea was on RX drugs for the treatment of her bipolar illness. I am seeing bipolar illness come up in alot of these overdoses including my son's.
KKove

Cape Coral, FL

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#7
Sep 7, 2008
 
Carie wrote:
I wanted to add one more comment after re-reading the article. I wonder if Kelsea was on RX drugs for the treatment of her bipolar illness. I am seeing bipolar illness come up in alot of these overdoses including my son's.
I think there is cause they view the risky behavior as manic.
I'm near 50yrs old and back in my youth they viewed risky drug seeking behavior as oppositional/rebellion.
My father just called it "the FCK U attitude"

“METHADONE=DEATHA DONE”

Since: Feb 08

Portsmouth

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#8
Sep 7, 2008
 

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Carie,
I hold you as dear to my heart as if you were my own blood. Yes we held one another together too many times to count along this journey. We have cried together, inspired each other and confirmed to one another that we would survive no matter how much it didn't seem so. We share so much more than our boys' birthdays, a bond that will never break. I am grateful for your friendship each and every day and I know our boys have found one another on the other side!
Thanks for always being there.
Much love,
Pam

“METHADONE=DEATHA DONE”

Since: Feb 08

Portsmouth

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#9
Sep 7, 2008
 

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Mike and Vini,
Thank you for your posts. I hope that neither of you have to experience losing a child. It isn't "suppose" to be that way as we all know.
I do know the feeling of losing a pet Vini. I had a black lab for 6 yrs. and when I moved to Denver, he wasn't use to the city life. A neighbor broke his back with a shovel and we had to have him put to sleep. The look in his eyes haunted me for a long time when I went to tell him goodbye. I cried for weeks, and at the time I thought 'this must be how it would feel to lose a child'. Nothing could be further from the truth and nothing I could ever use to describe it could compare. Cool though that you kept his bloodine going, and perhaps they do come back in that way.
Peace and love to you both,
Pam

“METHADONE=DEATHA DONE”

Since: Feb 08

Portsmouth

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#10
Sep 7, 2008
 

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KKove wrote:
<quoted text>
I think there is cause they view the risky behavior as manic.
I'm near 50yrs old and back in my youth they viewed risky drug seeking behavior as oppositional/rebellion.
My father just called it "the FCK U attitude"
I just wanted to chime in that IMO, after the teen and rebellious years pass, that alot of our children are not truly looking for that buzz as much as people believe. I feel it is more self-medicating than anything. The results from that are disastrous or at least can be. Education of the dangers of self-medicating needs to be addressed along with the diversion aspect. Some of us are much more aware of our mortality than others.
When my son and I talked about methadone and the dangers of it when it is not prescribed to you personally, he ALWAYS said--"Mom, that sh*t will kill you and death isn't on my list of things to do"....oh how I know he must be kicking himself now. I know that I am giving him a good swift kick when we hook back up!
EJB

Carbondale, CO

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#11
Sep 8, 2008
 

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sliverone wrote:
I can most certainly relate to this article. I have kept a journal from the beginning after losing my precious son. Reading back through the entries, I know it helped to save some of my sanity. Some days it felt as though he were right there looking over my shoulder as I wrote.
It has helped in many ways to cope through the loss. Tomorrow will be 17 months since he passed. This evening made the 17th month mark since we last talked. Missing you my son...
DON'T feel guilt!! As fucked up as it sounds life goes on!!

“METHADONE=DEATHA DONE”

Since: Feb 08

Portsmouth

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#12
Sep 8, 2008
 

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EJB wrote:
<quoted text> DON'T feel guilt!! As fucked up as it sounds life goes on!!
Thanks for your input. I have 3 surviving children, 11 grchildren and I know full well how life goes on.
However, guilt or not, life is NEVER the same as it was once you have lost a child. Regardless of how 'fucked up it sounds'(to use your words), there will always be an element of survivor's guilt. How could there not be? I was suppose to go before ANY of my children.

When a child loses their parents they are called ORPHANS

When a wife loses her husband she is called a WIDOW

When a husband loses his wife he is called a WIDOWER

Why then is there NO label given to a parent who loses a child? Because it is the absolute worst pain one can endure and will endure for the rest of their life.

Tell me, have you yourself lost a child?

Since: Jul 08

Dearborn, MI

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#13
Sep 8, 2008
 

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Well said pam. No one will ever know our sorrow unless they too have gone thru the tragic loss of a child. It changes you forever.
The one thing I realized is that LIFE does go on. But it doesn't go on like it always has. You cannot bury your child and get back to business. It just doesn't work that way even though society thinks so.
Yes, the initial pain does subside and eventually you are no longer paralyzed. But to get to that point it takes every single ounce of energy that you have to not die yourself.
How do you blend going to the cemetery and talking to the dirt into your life?

“METHADONE=DEATHA DONE”

Since: Feb 08

Portsmouth

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#14
Sep 9, 2008
 

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Carie wrote:
Well said pam. No one will ever know our sorrow unless they too have gone thru the tragic loss of a child. It changes you forever.
The one thing I realized is that LIFE does go on. But it doesn't go on like it always has. You cannot bury your child and get back to business. It just doesn't work that way even though society thinks so.
Yes, the initial pain does subside and eventually you are no longer paralyzed. But to get to that point it takes every single ounce of energy that you have to not die yourself.
How do you blend going to the cemetery and talking to the dirt into your life?
So many times it has been said to me that I should NOT blame the drug. I do blame methadone as well as my son for turning to it! One does not lessen the other. Had the drug not been so easily obtainable, especially through diversion, my son and all our sons and children would still be here!!
I agree that the education about this drug and all the others out there peddled and stored in medicine cabinets, etc... can NEVER begin too soon. Ours were educated about it but something along the way turned their heads and now we are without them. I have never NOT blamed my son for those who may think differently, but blame also lies just as well with the diversionists as well as the doctors who keep prescribing this lethal "medicine" as if it were just another painkiller. It clearly is ANYTHING besides that.

Since: Jul 08

Dearborn, MI

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#16
Sep 10, 2008
 

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It's been tough the last few days. I think the season changing has thrown me into yet another depression. Fall is a beautiful time of year. One that I have always enjoyed so much. Jimmy and I enjoyed the outdoors and fall was always a season that we loved.
It just still seems so unreal at times. The longing never seems to fade although the waves don't devastate me like they used to.
I am reading a new book called After the Death of a Child. It's based on long term parental grief and the impact on our lives.
This is the only book I have been able to find that talks about long-term grief. Most are written for the early stages and how to cope.
I am feeling kind of "stuck" right now so I'll see what this book has to offer.
Hope everyone is well.
Carie
Schlahfarty

Burlington, Canada

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#17
Sep 10, 2008
 

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Carie wrote:
It's been tough the last few days. I think the season changing has thrown me into yet another depression. Fall is a beautiful time of year. One that I have always enjoyed so much. Jimmy and I enjoyed the outdoors and fall was always a season that we loved.
It just still seems so unreal at times. The longing never seems to fade although the waves don't devastate me like they used to.
I am reading a new book called After the Death of a Child. It's based on long term parental grief and the impact on our lives.
This is the only book I have been able to find that talks about long-term grief. Most are written for the early stages and how to cope.
I am feeling kind of "stuck" right now so I'll see what this book has to offer.
Hope everyone is well.
Carie
Carie,
I used some spare time to try and find you some books you might be able to use (I started rummaging thru old posts, but that was useless).

I went to Amazon and searched for them for you.
Maybe you already have done that, but, I thought I would try.

Here is a page of several grief books:
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw...

Here is one on Long Term Grief:
http://www.amazon.com/exploration-Anxiety-con...

This looks like one you might use:
http://www.amazon.com/Grieving-Garden-Living-...
Editorial Reviews
"A fearless, compelling, and ultimately healing glimpse into the heart of love and loss."--Isabel Allende, author of The House of the Spirits
"If you have never lost a child, pray that it never happens to you. If you have, The Grieving Garden touches on the pertinent questions and issues. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Each person must find the way that makes sense and works for them, in a situation that makes no sense. Losing a child is nine parts unthinkably horrible, and one part gift. The secret to surviving it is finding the gift. One is never the same, but one has the choice of becoming bigger, deeper, more. The Grieving Garden lights the path to surviving and becoming more." Danielle Steel (Her son Nick Traina committed suicide at 19, after a lifetime of bipolar illness. He was a successful musician and lyricist, and lead singer of a band. Her book about him, His Bright Light, tells the story of his life and death.)
"When the unthinkable happens, most of us long for a community of people who understand what we re going through. When that unthinkable event is the death of a child, we look for reassurance that we can still go on to lead meaningful lives. This book provides such a community, in the candid conversations of others who ve been there. Though they pull no punches, the ultimate effect is life-affirming. I recommend it highly to all bereaved parents and to anyone who cares about them." Eleanor Coppola, artist, filmmaker, author of Notes on a Life, and bereaved mother
"This searingly poignant volume uses the words of bereaved parents to bring to life every parent s worst nightmare, the loss of a child. Thoughtfully organized to be of practical use and comfort to those facing such tragedies (or those who would help them), it is a unique contribution and will be of immeasurable value and consolation. Should be in the library of all who might encounter bereaved parents."--John Ruark, MD, author, Dying Dignified: the Health Professional's Guide to Care
--Endorsements

Since: Jul 08

Dearborn, MI

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#18
Sep 10, 2008
 

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Schlahfarty wrote:
<quoted text>
Carie,
I used some spare time to try and find you some books you might be able to use (I started rummaging thru old posts, but that was useless).
I went to Amazon and searched for them for you.
Maybe you already have done that, but, I thought I would try.
Here is a page of several grief books:
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw...
Here is one on Long Term Grief:
http://www.amazon.com/exploration-Anxiety-con...
This looks like one you might use:
http://www.amazon.com/Grieving-Garden-Living-...
Editorial Reviews
"A fearless, compelling, and ultimately healing glimpse into the heart of love and loss."--Isabel Allende, author of The House of the Spirits
"If you have never lost a child, pray that it never happens to you. If you have, The Grieving Garden touches on the pertinent questions and issues. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Each person must find the way that makes sense and works for them, in a situation that makes no sense. Losing a child is nine parts unthinkably horrible, and one part gift. The secret to surviving it is finding the gift. One is never the same, but one has the choice of becoming bigger, deeper, more. The Grieving Garden lights the path to surviving and becoming more." Danielle Steel (Her son Nick Traina committed suicide at 19, after a lifetime of bipolar illness. He was a successful musician and lyricist, and lead singer of a band. Her book about him, His Bright Light, tells the story of his life and death.)
"When the unthinkable happens, most of us long for a community of people who understand what we re going through. When that unthinkable event is the death of a child, we look for reassurance that we can still go on to lead meaningful lives. This book provides such a community, in the candid conversations of others who ve been there. Though they pull no punches, the ultimate effect is life-affirming. I recommend it highly to all bereaved parents and to anyone who cares about them." Eleanor Coppola, artist, filmmaker, author of Notes on a Life, and bereaved mother
"This searingly poignant volume uses the words of bereaved parents to bring to life every parent s worst nightmare, the loss of a child. Thoughtfully organized to be of practical use and comfort to those facing such tragedies (or those who would help them), it is a unique contribution and will be of immeasurable value and consolation. Should be in the library of all who might encounter bereaved parents."--John Ruark, MD, author, Dying Dignified: the Health Professional's Guide to Care
--Endorsements
Thank you for taking the time to do that for me. I really do appreciate it.
The Grieving Garden sounds like a good one. The title itself sounds comforting. I'll have to see if Borders has it.
You know in the early days I bought so many da*n books and I read them, but I sure don't remember half of them! LOL.
Steven Harper

Niagara Falls, Canada

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#19
Sep 10, 2008
 

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Carie wrote:
<quoted text>
Thank you for taking the time to do that for me. I really do appreciate it.
The Grieving Garden sounds like a good one. The title itself sounds comforting. I'll have to see if Borders has it.
You know in the early days I bought so many da*n books and I read them, but I sure don't remember half of them! LOL.
I find it interesting that one person has spare time and spends it trying to help someone well done Shlafarty).

Another person has spare time and digs up posts 2 months old?

Nuff said.
Schlahfarty

Burlington, Canada

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#20
Sep 10, 2008
 

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Steven Harper wrote:
<quoted text>
I find it interesting that one person has spare time and spends it trying to help someone (well done Shlafarty).
Another person has spare time and digs up posts 2 months old?
Nuff said.
Steven. Thank you, but not to worry. That is how some people "deal". We let it slide. As long as it helps her. Thanks anyway.
Terry Wright

Ringwood North, Australia

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#21
Sep 10, 2008
 

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Steven Harper wrote:
<quoted text>
I find it interesting that one person has spare time and spends it trying to help someone well done Shlafarty).
Another person has spare time and digs up posts 2 months old?
Nuff said.
Gold!

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