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Karnes City, TX

#84 Dec 6, 2009
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TMCF

United States

#85 Dec 6, 2009
Bubba and Ray ( Arkansas mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba,'but we don't have a ladder.'

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced,'Eighteen feet, six inches,' and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed.'Ain't that just like a woman?! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'

Bubba and Ray are currently working for the government supervising the reconstruction of the New Orleans levees!
TMCF

United States

#86 Dec 6, 2009
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump..."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money... I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...
TMCF

United States

#87 Dec 12, 2009
Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by. And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying,'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.' The old man said,'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Grandmas said,'Sure we can! Just drop your pants andunder shorts and we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.

Then they all piped up and said,'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison ---



'We were at your birthday party yesterday!
TMCF

United States

#88 Dec 16, 2009
If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly.....
Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy
all yeer.

Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell. Santa

**********
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa

**********
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead. Santa

**********
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa

**********
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch. Santa
**********
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa
**********
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa

**********
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE,
PLEASE could I have one? Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa

**********
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home? Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams,
Santa
TMCF

United States

#89 Dec 17, 2009
How The Fight Started

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied. "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started......

**********

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
'No,' she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started.....

**********

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.

And that's when the fight started......

**********

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started....

**********

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3
seconds."

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started......

**********

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a
nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes," she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend......"I understand he took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My Gosh!" I said, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"

And then the fight started.....
**********

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care
of first, the truck, the car, playing golf....

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived
home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with
a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I came out again and handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

**********
OPIE

San Antonio, TX

#90 Dec 17, 2009
TMCF wrote:
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies.
The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said,'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today!"
Sucks to be you.

..........r.|........
..........e|.........
..........a|.........
....._|y.|l.|a|.d|.........
.....\..|o.|l.|r.|.u|.........
......\.|u.|y|e|m|.........
.........|xxxxb|.........
..........xxxx|.........
TMCF

United States

#91 Dec 17, 2009
NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud.
These are real notes written by parents in the Laredo & United I.S.D.

Spellings have been left intact;

1. My son is under a doctor's care and sh ould not take PE today.
Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,
32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a
tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt
in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by
very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea
direathethe (shits).

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his
boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i
don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get
the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it
was sunday.

17 . Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her
funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a
weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could
not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat,
headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat,
her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over.
I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going
around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.
lmbo

United States

#92 Dec 18, 2009
this is some funny stuff keep em coming
TMCF

United States

#93 Dec 20, 2009
AIN'T "love" GRAND....

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends home for dinner one
evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his
wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling,

Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years
and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over to his host,'I
think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife
those loving pet names'.

The old man hung his head.'I have to tell you the truth,' he said,'Her
name slipped my mind about 10 years ago ,and I'm scared to death to ask
the cranky old bitch what her name is.
TMCF

United States

#94 Dec 20, 2009
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this."

She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking,

What have you been doing?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!
++++++++++
Two Blondes With Hammers..

Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,'Why are you throwing those nails away?'

Lynn explained,'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them are defective and have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'

Judy got completely upset and yelled,'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
++++++++++
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a
drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
++++++++++
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked,'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said,'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'
++++++++++
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver Thermos.

She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said,'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde,'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk.'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things Cold,' she replied.

Her boss inquired,'What do you have in it?'

The blonde replied.....'Two popsicles and some coffee.'
++++++++++
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST:

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically,'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies,'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says,'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde.'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!
TMCF

United States

#95 Dec 20, 2009
'Twas The Night Of Thanksgiving



'Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house

Tiger Woods came a flyin' chased by his spouse.



She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,

cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.



He’d been cheatin' on Elin, and as the story progressed,

woman after woman stepped up and confessed.



He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,

with Joselyn, and Kalika; the world had the story.



From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,

Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.



With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex;

when not in their pants, he was sendin''em texts.



Despite all his cryin’ and beggin' and pleadin',

Tiger’s wife went investin' in a new home in Sweden.



And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,

"If you’re gettin' laid, then I’m gettin' paid."



She’s not poutin'; in fact, she's of jolly good cheer;

her pre-nup made Christmas come early this year
TMCF

United States

#96 Dec 21, 2009
It is near the Christmas break of the school year.
The students have turned in all their work and there is really
nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher
decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Who ever answers the questions I ask, first and
correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself: "Good, I want to get outta here.
I'm smart and will answer the question." Teacher: "Who said
'Four Score and Seven years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says: "Abraham
Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther
King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for
you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F.
Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to
any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says:
"I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
TMCF

United States

#97 Dec 22, 2009
This could happen to you .

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other toilet saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
'No..I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say nervously...

'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other toilet who keeps answering all my questions.'

Mobile phones, don't you just love them!
TMCF

United States

#98 Dec 22, 2009
Boudreaux was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty dollars..."she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" when all of a sudden a light flashes on them .. it's a Police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," Boudreaux answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," Boudreaux says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face"!
debby

Arlington, TX

#99 Dec 22, 2009
TMCF wrote:
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies.
The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said,'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today!"
lol.
debby

Arlington, TX

#100 Dec 22, 2009
TMCF wrote:
Boudreaux was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty dollars..."she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" when all of a sudden a light flashes on them .. it's a Police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," Boudreaux answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," Boudreaux says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face"!
lol
TMCF

United States

#101 Dec 29, 2009
The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks,'but I want more. So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims,'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
TMCF

San Antonio, TX

#102 Jan 7, 2010
Witty West Jet Employee


For all Employees Who Work with Rude Customers - An award should go to the Westjet gate attendant in Kelowna , British Columbia some 12 months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded flight was cancelled after Westjet's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please; may I have your attention please, " she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F...You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said,(I love this bit) "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
TMCF

San Antonio, TX

#103 Jan 7, 2010
This one is for everyone who...
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.
I guess that means all of us!!

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,'Daddy, look at this', and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said,
'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'
pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said,'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied,
'What happened to my booger?'

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