“Don't Worry, Be Happy”

Since: Apr 07

Smile...Someone loves you!

#43621 Mar 24, 2011
This really surprised me. I never thought he was not a natural citizen but watch about 30 seconds. He admits it himself.

&fe ature=player_embedded

“I'm just sayin' ......”

Since: Nov 07

Elgin, SC

#43622 Mar 24, 2011
Johnny Dollar wrote:
This really surprised me. I never thought he was not a natural citizen but watch about 30 seconds. He admits it himself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v =MwhKuunp8D8XX&feature=pla yer_embedded
Saw Hillary on the news.

Can we say "chung-key"?

“Don't Worry, Be Happy”

Since: Apr 07

Smile...Someone loves you!

#43623 Mar 25, 2011
shovelhead wrote:
<quoted text>
Saw Hillary on the news.
Can we say "chung-key"?
Bill must not be chasing her enough to keep the weight down.

“If you can't be a good example”

Since: Mar 07

be a warning

#43624 Mar 25, 2011
Johnny Dollar wrote:
<quoted text>
Bill must not be chasing her enough to keep the weight down.
Don't you mean that Bill has stopped running from her? Isn't that what you would do?

“I'm just sayin' ......”

Since: Nov 07

Elgin, SC

#43625 Mar 25, 2011
Johnny Dollar wrote:
<quoted text>
Bill must not be chasing her enough to keep the weight down.
He's too busy chasing other wimmen.

Let me rephrase that.

He's too busy chasing wimmen.

“I'm just sayin' ......”

Since: Nov 07

Elgin, SC

#43626 Mar 25, 2011
rwwllms wrote:
<quoted text>
Don't you mean that Bill has stopped running from her? Isn't that what you would do?
I know I would. She scares me.

“I'm just sayin' ......”

Since: Nov 07

Elgin, SC

#43627 Mar 28, 2011
Drinking with a redneck girl.

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says,'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says,'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

“Where am I???”

Since: Feb 08

Nassau, Bahamas

#43629 Mar 28, 2011
shovelhead wrote:
Drinking with a redneck girl.
A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says,'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says,'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
Now that's what I'm talking about!

“I'm just sayin' ......”

Since: Nov 07

Elgin, SC

#43630 Mar 29, 2011
A trucker who had been out on the road for three straight weeks stopped at a brothel outside Las Vegas.

He walked straight up to the Madam, plopped down $500.00 and said, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich".

The Madam was astonished. She said, "OK, sir, but do you know that for that kind of money you could have two of my finest ladies, plus a three-course meal??"

The trucker replied, "Listen, sweetie. I ain't horny....I'm homesick!"

“Don't Worry, Be Happy”

Since: Apr 07

Smile...Someone loves you!

#43631 Mar 31, 2011
When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.



Oprah asked,"Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working; at your age I think itís remarkable."

Mr Burns said, "I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it."

Oprah said, "I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age."

George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it."

Oprah said, "I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?"

So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I don't believe I've ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man."

George said, "The second time is even better than the first time."

Oprah said, "You can really do it again at your age?"

George said, "Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my love member in you right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes."

When she woke him up, they again had great sex and Oprah was beside herself with joy.

She said, "Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, My, Oh, My!!!"

George said that the third time would be even better. "You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my love member in your right hand and wake me in thirty minutes."

Oprah said, "Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?"

George said, "No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet."

“Don't Worry, Be Happy”

Since: Apr 07

Smile...Someone loves you!

#43632 Mar 31, 2011
These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." (this is my favorite)

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

“Don't Worry, Be Happy”

Since: Apr 07

Smile...Someone loves you!

#43633 Mar 31, 2011
A frustrated
wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice
up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt
and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.



At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till
her husband says... "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.



He replied,
"Thank God ... I thought you were sitting on the cat.

“I'm just sayin' ......”

Since: Nov 07

Elgin, SC

#43634 Apr 3, 2011
The Hag.

“I'm just sayin' ......”

Since: Nov 07

Elgin, SC

#43635 Apr 3, 2011
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets
exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get
there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

AND Finally, last but not least:

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

read this

Beckley, WV

#43636 Apr 3, 2011

“I'm just sayin' ......”

Since: Nov 07

Elgin, SC

#43637 Apr 4, 2011
Sounds like more than a passing interest.

“I'm just sayin' ......”

Since: Nov 07

Elgin, SC

#43638 Apr 6, 2011
Only three doors.

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

“I'm just sayin' ......”

Since: Nov 07

Elgin, SC

#43639 Apr 9, 2011
Someone must be reading because they're judging.

How about posting once in a while?

“I'm just sayin' ......”

Since: Nov 07

Elgin, SC

#43640 Apr 10, 2011
FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought that this is connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States.

If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.

“Don't Worry, Be Happy”

Since: Apr 07

Smile...Someone loves you!

#43641 Apr 11, 2011
shovelhead wrote:
Someone must be reading because they're judging.
How about posting once in a while?
I agree. It looks like our Topix friends have got mighty bashful.
I have just about givrn up on this too. I do like to keep up with the few that do visit every onnce in awhile.
I hope you are well and your Mother is doing better.

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