new funny thread

[moberly boy]

http://www.flowgo.com/funny/1780_geezer-pleas...

takes a minute for it to load, but oh so funny!

[Missouri Man]

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2007/ellen...

[moberly boy]

Missouri Man wrote:

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/f unny-2007/ellen-gladys-hardy-p 1.php

last a good one. is her show still on?

[Missouri Man]

moberly boy wrote:

<quoted text>
last a good one. is her show still on?

I think so. I love jesus, But I drink a little!! LOL

[moberly boy]

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,

'Are all of those kids yours?'
He replied,'No. I work for a condom company.

These are customer complaints.'

[moberly boy]

You know you're getting old when an "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

[Scared Citizen]

moberly boy wrote:

<quoted text>
last a good one. is her show still on?

It's on at 4pm on channel 13, opposite Oprah. So you can watch one and set the dvr for the other.

[Missouri Man]

Scared Citizen wrote:

<quoted text>
It's on at 4pm on channel 13, opposite Oprah. So you can watch one and set the dvr for the other.

Some how, I just knew you watched oprah!! LOL

[moberly boy]

A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he
Thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to
Discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple informal
Test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about
Her hearing loss. "Here's what you do," said the doctor. " Stand
About 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking
Tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so
On until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in
The den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what
Happens." In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" No
Response. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet
From his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, no
Response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.
"Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, there is no response. So he walks
Right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Earl, for the 5th time, WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN

[moberly boy]

Little Johnny strikes again

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's
Farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating. "
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate, not fascinating" .
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City
And I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to
Use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she
Had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there
Was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
Tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried.

[GINCON]

someone sent this to me.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human Beings are the only animals that stutter,"
she said.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives
next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the
fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary," saidthe teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty
raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say
"Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!"

[moberly boy]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish. The biker pulled over and said,'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said,'Your request is so materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied,'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

[dick head]

you all are so very very lame

[passionprincess]

Hey....did you guys hear Obama had a meeting with some of the TV networks attempting to get more programming on TV with more black people on? He cut a deal with NBC and now they are going to have a channel that runs americas most wanted 24/7

[GINCON]

dick head wrote:

you all are so very very lame

yea? so wheres your joke dick head?

[moberly boy]

hopefully not too spicy for ya!

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb., weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads,'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs., as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program . The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,'If you catch me you can have me'. Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs., as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.'This is our most rigorous program.''Absolutely,' he replies,'I haven't felt this good in years.' The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,'If I catch you, your ass is mine.' He lost 63 pounds that week.

[Scared Citizen]

moberly boy wrote:

hopefully not too spicy for ya!
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb., weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads,'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs., as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program . The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,'If you catch me you can have me'. Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs., as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.'This is our most rigorous program.''Absolutely,' he replies,'I haven't felt this good in years.' The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,'If I catch you, your ass is mine.' He lost 63 pounds that week.

I liked that one. It is funny and not too spicy.

[my thoughts]

A guy is sitting at a bar chatting up a blonde. News is on the TV. The anchor says "6 Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident. The blonde starts sobbing and the dude asks her what's wrong. "Oh my Gosh", she says, it's just so horrible. Yes it is, but it's a dangerous hobby. I know, says the blonde, but how many is a brazillion?

[Meister]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh..' The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

[Meister]

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when

he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.


He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.


His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist

to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife

could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this

tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too.'